Redemption
by Red Cat Lotty
Summary: Post 'Justice', now cosidered AU. With return of Doctor Rush onboard the Destiny, they might regain hope for returning home. Only at what cost? First 10 chapters soon to be revised.
1. The Grand Return

A/N: This story is mostly written down by now and so I will be updating it weekly, probably on Saturdays. Even thought I (as I already said) have it mostly written already, I would highly appreciate your reviews, suggestions and correction hints. I had one story published before (not on SGU) but deleted it due to abandonment. So please, let me know what you think so I don't feel that I've wasted my time writing this. Enjoy!

THE GRAND RETURN

It's been two weeks since they left Rush behind and everyone onboard Destiny agreed that it was very bad two weeks. The scientific team was now two members short – eighteen hours after they jumped into FTL Franklin died of intracranial bleeding caused by brain swelling. That in turn made Park extremely anxious and it was practically impossible to drag her anywhere near the chair room. The only one left to still work on it was Eli and only in his spare moments which he was currently seriously lacking.

No one actually realized how much Rush was keeping tabs on. As it seems, he was monitoring or manually running most of the working systems, which Eli found hard to believe was even possible by itself. He, Park and the rest of the science team were taking shifts for that and still they worked their asses off just with that. And it wasn't all. When going through computer data and notes that the Doc left behind on his console, they found gigabytes of information. Research on things they wouldn't think of checking, some notes (not much, they knew all too well Rush kept these in his 'mad scientist notebook' as Eli phrased it one day) and diagrams – most of which they were unable to decipher due to some sort of language code Doctor was using. It appeared to be normal English words, but nothing more – for the life of them they couldn't figure out connections between seemingly random words, not mentioning the Ancient and Gaelic ones.

To top it all off, there was an activity log of sorts that saved data about most operations Rush did since they came here and even Young, in his quiet way had to admit that he was impressed. There were malfunctions (lots of them), leaks, shutdowns they weren't even aware of, most of them fatal if not fixed in time. No one onboard recalled doing so, and their only explanation was Rush repairing, stabilizing and monitoring everything on his own.

Not surprisingly, without him more and more of these 'minor nuisances' – Rush, when asked why he was late for meetings, not sleeping or eating, tended to answer "I was working" or "I was taking care of some minor nuisances" – was coming into daylight (figuratively speaking). The scientists tried to monitor things and put together two small groups of emergency workers (in translation: a bunch of people that were doing their best to follow instructions on how to prevent instantaneous death of all the crew, having no idea what so ever about what they were doing) but at least two systems had to be shut down and a big section of corridor sealed of due to inability to fix things.

Two more men died, one a valuable scientist.

Eli was watching. So was TJ, and they both could see things were not going right. Morale, already low, dropped even more. Even though Young and Wray tried their best to work on it, making people go offworld – offship? – whenever it was possible, visit their families via the stones or even preparing events, 4th of July was spent mostly in silence and grim alienation, only a few of them gathering for a small celebration and poker night. Another evaluation revealed three crewmembers with suicidal thoughts.

Also Young seemed depressed. Both Eli and TJ were aware of the weight that was put upon his shoulders, of the knowledge he possessed that it was bad and with no perspectives of getting better. And yet, there was more to it. Sometimes Volker or Eli felt watched and found Young staring at them with unreadable expression. Eli was ordered to prepare an independent kino for 'captain's log', which Young gingerly took to his quarters. One evening TJ was walking by his room – at least that's what she told Eli, he rather thought she was going to meet him there – and heard him talking to the small camera.

"His voice was so unlike him," she told Eli afterwards. "All I heard was that he was beginning to doubt himself and if he did the right thing but… I don't know. The way he said it sent chills down my spine, you know what I mean? And what was it all about, really? Did he do something? God, I hope not, we don't need anymore trouble…"

Eli suspected what that could be but said nothing. This was no time for treason trial and besides, Young was the last thing that kept the crew from mutiny. That knowledge didn't stop him from being careful not to have Young behind his back.

***

Eli was alone in the control room, taking some readings, when two light started blinking on his console he never saw active before. Of course, he had no idea what they were blinking for so the first thing that came to his tired mind was to check that. Not more than a minute later, his radio came to life and Scott's voice was heard:

"Colonel, this is Scott speaking, you there?"

"Go on, lieutenant, I read you," was heard in return.

"Sir, I'm at the observation deck. There is a… really… big ship flying alongside us."

There was a moment of silence and then Young's voice again:

"Eli, did you hear that?"

Eli, who just figured what the lights are all about, grabbed the radio and almost dropped it in his haste. Ungracefully, he adjusted his hold on it and said:

"Yeah, I did. I was just going to tell you the sensors readings. It's not as big as Destiny but still pretty big. Uh…"

"What is it, Eli?"

"Sir, there's an incoming signal. I think they want to communicate with us"

"I'll be right there, wait for me"

A moment later the control room was full of people – Young came with Scott and TJ on his heels, Chloe right behind. Park already came to help Eli and soon after Wray showed up.

"Put it through, Eli. Park, you will translate for me if they speak Ancient," Young said and prepared himself.

There was a short burst of static coming from speakers located on the ceiling and then a raspy, quiet voice:

"Destiny, do you read me?"

They all fell silent. Whatever alien it was, it surely spoke a pretty decent English. It only took moment for them to understand. The voice itself was more rough, heavier and more raspy but…

"Oh, God…" TJ said "Is that Rush?"

As if on cue, the voice spoke again:

"Destiny, do you read me? This is doctor Nicholas Rush speaking, please respond!" Eli couldn't miss Young's jaw clenching but when the colonel urged him to open the channel, he did just that.

"Rush, this is Young, we copy you," there was a moment of silence on the other side but after a moment the doctor spoke again:

"I am onboard a friendly vessel, please prepare for a pod docking. I am coming through."

"Rush," Young said, before the communication light could go out. "Are you sure this is safe?"

"Don't be daft, Colonel," Rush responded with a note of anger in his voice. "They are perfectly safe, also I went through a decontamination procedure. And with what I now know you need me, that much I can tell you."

That obviously struck a chord. Wray glared at Young along with others in the room. They all knew perfectly well what that meant – Rush got information from the aliens and in great possibility they could be home by the end of next week. Young's jaw clenched again but he said:

"We'll meet you at the docking bay," and then: "TJ, Scott, Eli, you coming with me. Scott, inform Greer and tell him to grab a gun on his way."

"Yes sir," and they were off to the only vacant docking bay they had access to. Just as they approached the thick steel door, they could see a shuttle preparing for landing, seemingly unaffected by speed and forces that made landing of their own pod almost impossible some time ago. It was bigger than theirs and shaped differently. It was made of shiny black metal which, in the light of their shield was casting red reflexes. As it landed, the haul split and a narrow sleeve connected the pod with docking bay. They all waited for the door to open but nothing happened. After a minute or so, a muffled voice came from the other side of it:

"Eli, you're supposed to open the bulkhead!"

"Oh, right… yeah," Eli muttered, embarrassed and started fumbling with his console. When the door opened, the whole gathering held their breath. On the other side stood Rush and three aliens. The Doctor was even thinner than what they remembered, his face pale, now covered with sparse beard instead of his usual bristle. Eyes dull and tired, unlike the expressive ones they were used to see. Everything they saw in him gave the impression of a man half starved, bone tired and unnaturally calm. Maybe that is what worried them most, his tensed frame, as if he was ready to run at any sign of trouble. And from the look of his 'companions' he had every right to.

The aliens were small but wide. Their heads were hidden between their arms that looked like blocks of bricks. Hands, which were more of paws actually, were reaching the ground, stabilizing their frames. Legs also thick, covered with something that looked like patches of mold. And faces with tiny, black eyes and huge structures that had to be their noses – they looked somewhat like cow's muzzles, except they had three breathing holes. They were sniffing the air, making strange, hissing noises. Hearing that, Rush _flinched _visibly and hurriedly moved on their side of the door. He made a complicated gesture with his hands (all of them could see how they shook, as well as all of his limbs), put them together and bowed deeply, not uttering one word. One of the creatures moved its head in what could have been a nod and they went back to their shuttle. Rush, not straightening from his bow muttered: "Eli, close the bulkhead."

The boy did as he was instructed and the pod on the other side left. Only then did they all look at Rush who was in the process of straightening himself with help of his hands pressed against the wall. Whatever it is that he wanted to do – turn around or just stand straight, did not succeed, as he slid down the wall into a half sitting position.

"Water" he rasped, stopping TJ from examining him with his hand. In a matter of seconds she had a canteen of the liquid in her hand, helping him drink, murmuring to take slow sips.

"Rush, what…" Young started but was cut off by the paramedic, who said in a stern voice "Not now, colonel. He is dehydrated and exhausted. I need to examine him and make him rest. Greer, Scott, move him to a separated part of infirmary. He said something about decontamination but let's not take chances"

***

The next two days were a blur to Eli. The excitement of having their only hope of returning back was coursing through everybody onboard, gossips and speculations the only thing they got as Rush was in no condition to give any information. As soon as they moved him to the infirmary, he started muttering something incoherent, his thick accent taking any meaning out of his words. He tried to resist the treatment and in the end TJ had to sedate him. An IV with fluids was set to water his dehydrated body, also some antibiotics and antiseptics were used – the doctor had some flesh wounds, which weren't deep but got infected, also he was running a fever.

He slept most of the time and for the firs time they saw him downing the nasty food they were feeding him as if his life depended on it. Maybe it did.

TJ didn't allow anyone – especially Young – to bother him. Eli was anxious to see him, so were the other scientists. Most of the others were just curious but stayed far, keeping in mind temper of the patient. The medic tried to find out, what happened that put him in the state he was in now but, as usual, he wasn't one to talk much. What she did get to know, she shared on a meeting.

"He said that the planet had no drinkable water on the surface and no life or flora of any kind. When he was 'taken in' as he put it, by the S'hottoss – the aliens that brought him here, they were… how did he phrased it? 'Unable to provide him with what he needed'. From what I've gathered they don't feed the way we do so they don't store food or water. I also think they weren't the best hosts"

"And yet, they brought him to us," Wray pointed out

"Maybe they were so sick of him they had no other choice?" Greer suggested and some of them smirked.

"We will just have to wait for him to share the story," she answered, not too pleased with the comment. "He seems eager to get back to work"

"Yeah, like that's a big surprise," Young muttered but he seemed troubled. "Did he… say anything else?"

"No sir. Not very talkative. He only asked questions about Destiny."

"All right then. Let me know when I can talk to him."


	2. Repairs

A/N: Thank you all for the warm welcoming! It warms my heart, really ;)

Even though I'm answering reviews separately, I would like to especially thank **planet p**. This story is sort of a language excercise and I really appreciate the advices!

REPAIRS

TJ was furious. The first thing she saw this morning, when she came into the infirmary, was an empty bed, where a (barely) recovering Rush should lay. She was looking for him ever since, employing Eli, Park, Chloe and Greer to help her. He was neither in Control Room, nor the Chair Room – the most probable locations. His quarters were also vacant. Mess Hall, Observation Deck, known corridors – the annoying Scot was nowhere to be found.

Young told them a few days ago, when Rush left the infirmary for the first time, not to bother him, just find the fool and drag him back, but the situation was forcing her to let the Colonel know. Just as she was about to contact him on the radio, Eli's kino showed up in front of her.

"I found him." a voice from the flying camera said "I'll come and get you."

"Just tell me where he is, I'll get there on my own," she said impatiently.

"No, you won't. We've never been there before."

Soon after that the young man came trekking her way, passed her and she followed. They came to a stop before an open door. The door, that were sealed shut under a strict order. Door, that led to the damaged part of the ship.

"I don't know if this is a good thing or bad thing," Eli muttered.

"We're still alive so let's think positive," TJ answered and they both trekked to where they knew Rush was.

The room was full of wires, crystals and pipes that looked like they went through hell. Also, it contained a Doctor Rush, sitting on the floor with his upper body buried halfway inside a huge console. There were some clinking noises and irritated grunts coming from the inside.

"Doctor Rush!" TJ bellowed, mad as hell. The Doc, apparently not aware of their presence, flinched visibly but didn't move away from his workstation. "I warn you, Doctor Rush. If you don't come back to the infirmary willingly, we _will_ force you." she said sternly, coming his way.

The unidentified noises stopped and the older man scrambled, with some effort, to get himself free. He sat on the floor, his hair messy and face smeared with something greasy and grey. He wiped his hands on a cloth he had besides him and looked at them.

Both TJ and Eli worried. When he came onboard, his eyes were dull and expressionless but they put it aside as emaciation. And yet, he peered at them now with the same reserve, as if he closed the only window showing his true emotions. His face, still too thin, was absolutely blank.

"Please, let me finish this. I will go back then," he said quietly.

They looked at him as if he just sprouted a random limb, then they looked at each other. Did he just ask them permission? Doctor Nicholas Rush, the insufferable individualist that knew himself to be better than all of them together, just _asked them permission_?

"O-okay…" TJ muttered, not entirely sure what was going on. She then turned to Eli: "Inform the rest that they're free, the search party is over. I'll stay here and make sure he behaves."

Eli, too dumbfounded to answer, just nodded his head and left. Rush was still sitting on the floor, with trembling hands fumbling with a small console. TJ approached him and kneeled on the floor, watching as he struggled with hitting the right spots. He rubbed his forehead absentmindedly, smearing more of the grease on his face.

"You shouldn't be doing this, Doctor Rush," TJ said, peering at the dark hole he was buried in when she came here "you should be resting, regaining your strength."

He stopped what he was doing and looked at her. For some reason the lack of light in his eyes scared her more than when they were flashing with fury.

"I know," he answered simply. She had to admit this was more than she was prepared for. Not only did he respond, he was agreeing with her.

"Then why are you here?"

"You all want to go home, yes? And now I know…" he hesitated, searching for right words. "Now I know how to acquire the knowledge how to do that. Now let me get back to work, lass," and with that he ducked back into the console's guts. TJ settled next to him, looking at her surroundings with mild interest and mulling over him calling her 'lass' instead of his customary 'lieutenant'.

"So… what is this place?" She asked finally, curiosity taking the better of her. Some of the crystals were active, others seemed damaged. Also a few of the pipes were broken, one letting out puffs of steam.

"One of the energy circuit rooms," came a muffled answer and a grunt afterwards.

"And what does it power? Or did power when it worked?" she asked again.

"It…" there was a sound of something breaking and one more grunt "Oh, for fuck's sake!" she heard him swear quite loudly, accent thick in his voice. He then scrambled out, letting out a puff of air. He was sweating profoundly and breathing heavily.

"Lieutenant," he said, visibly trying to control anger that was bubbling inside him. For some reason it felt refreshing "If you want me to be done as fast as possible _and _undamaged, restrain your female need of conversation and let me focus."

"Funny, I always thought that you are a multitask person," she teased, but settled against the wall a bit further from him.

"Usually that is the case, yes," he muttered, wiping sweat off his forehead and smearing more grease instead. He looked ridiculous "But I must admit I'm not at my best today."

"Yeah, I can see that," she said and settled to wait as he shot her a sideway glance and got back to work. No sarcastic replies, no glares... like he changed too much to care. But again, TJ noticed that she was one of the few people he was calm around, even before. Eli was another and – recently – Park has become a part of this small group as well. Oh, he was far from nice. But there was a difference. Whenever he spoke to others, his whole posture was tense and eyes guarded. He knew they hated him. He could tell them he didn't care. Maybe even believed it himself. But it was so obvious, especially now. Was this some sort of instinct? To know, to sense people's hate? She definitely didn't hate him, at least not at the moment. She only thought him to be an egoistic, egocentric ass, and not all the time.

TJ saw snippets of the man behind the genius. After his breakdown, when he woke up, disoriented and embarrassed, she saw. And he seemed not to realize that he allowed her that as well. But again, TJ - as the only medic onboard - saw many things people were hiding. And she stored them all, like precious gems in her memory, for times when she was so fed up with them, she could start shooting and never stop. Then she remembered, who these people might once have been and what changed them, made them adapt… It made things easier.

Sound of a screwdriver hitting the floor pulled her out of her musing. Rush was out of the hole and just finished screwing the lid back into place with his brow not creased with worry, what in the Rush Dictionary meant he was quite pleased. He stood up and tapped something on the surface of the console. As TJ rose to her feet, she saw the whole machinery light and beep silently, sounding disturbingly similar to an old computer being turned on. Rush smiled fleetingly and looked at her with triumph in his eyes.

"All done, lieutenant," he said. It seemed he wanted to add something more but instead leaned heavily on the console and then flopped to the ground. He sat there for a moment, breathing heavily as she asked him what's wrong.

"Dizzy, is all. Dun' worry about it," he muttered, a bit slurry "I guess I'll rest for a wee moment and we can go."

She kneeled before him and checked his pupils. They were dilated and for a second his gaze was unfocused. Then a strange thing happened. One of the pipes relieved some steam with a hiss. The reaction it earned form Rush was instantaneous. His head snapped up, seemingly pulling his whole body along, as he was standing faster than TJ could blink. His whole body tensed and eyes darted to the source of the sound. When he saw that it was just a pipe, he relaxed a fraction but still remained rigid.

"It's time to go, lieutenant," he said in answer to her questioning gaze. "The safety devices I put up in the dangerous areas are only temporary, we shouldn't stay here too long," and with that he was walking to the door, not waiting for her to catch up.

TJ fell in step next to him and caught his arm to stop him. He flinched. "What was that?" she demanded. He only glared at her and pulled his hand away, striding down the corridor without slowing down. TJ frowned and followed. As she reached his side again, he slowed a bit and breathed heavily through his nose.

"They were telepaths," he said, looking straight ahead "Their noses were very sensitive. My human smell was extremely unpleasant to them. Their… displeasure was announced very clearly. I never imagined that thoughts could hurt…" he barked a short, humorless laugh. "I never had such a migraine in my life. Even just speaking about it makes my head hurt. And I feel that I desperately need a shower," he laughed again and fell silent, his face troubled.

Hey spent the rest of the way in silence.


	3. Revelations

A/N: Ok, I have a though/thought problem, I admit. But I'm working on it ;)

Since I have ten chapters written down already and am well past the half of the story, I decided I might as well update more often. Still, I'm actively running out of verve to keep on writing, some (more) encouragement would probably help immensely ;)

REVELATIONS

As soon as Young walked into the infirmary the next day, he was certain that Rush didn't say a word to anybody about his actions on the planet. TJ welcomed him with a nod and said that the Doc is awake. She followed him to the remotely separate area where his bed was set, walking straight to his side. She wouldn't be so relaxed if Rush had spilled.

"Enough work for now, Doctor Rush. You have a visitor," she said, reaching for his notebook. He glared at her but, surprisingly, said nothing as it was taken away from him. He then looked up to the door, in process of taking off his glasses. The change in his demeanor was momentary. His arms, previously slumped comfortably, tensed for a brief moment and his face hardened into a scowl. TJ glanced between the two of them and left, avoiding her superior's gaze. He noticed that she remained in hearing range, fumbling with a tray of tools nearby. Rush also noticed.

"The whole ship is buzzing with speculations," Young said, coming closer to the bedside. "I, personally am sick of it. I want facts."

Rush adjusted himself on the cot, folding his hands in his lap. He was silent for a moment, as if phrasing what he was about to say in his mind, glanced in the direction where he knew TJ was standing and finally spoke:

"When I woke up on the planet, my first thought was, of course, to get inside the pod we found. Obviously, this was my only chance of survival as I didn't know any Stargate addresses in this Galaxy. So I did just that. The ship was fried but I knew I will be able to fix it, with time. So my next priority was to find food and water. In the first day or so, I didn't find anything worth mentioning so I saved the water from my canteen and focused on the ship. Eventually the water run out and I had to look further. I found a pond of water but… it was contaminated. I fell sick and if the S'hottoss didn't find me on time, I wouldn't make it. But they knew what was wrong and cured me. The S'hottoss are a medium size tribe of peacekeepers in this part of the galaxy. At first I couldn't communicate with them, only after some… minor inconveniences I was able to comprehend the way they were transferring pure thought, clean of spoken word's inadequacies. Unfortunately, human mind is not adapt enough to convert thoughts into transferable energy and we had to work out… other ways. Only then I was able to explain that I was not a spy and needed help. I traded the pod I acquired and some knowledge…"

"What knowledge?" Young snapped, already in attacking mode. "What do they know about us?"

They eyed each other but, again surprising the colonel, Rush answered calmly: "Everything they wanted to know. You have to understand Young. Either I gave it willingly, gaining profits, or they would take it forcibly, deeming me, and by extend, human race, unfriendly. They wanted to know about our location. Culture. Science. Enough to say, they got plenty. The good thing is, they got to know I needed to get back to Destiny and in exchange to what I told them and most of the pod, they gave me that opportunity. And something more."

Young didn't ask, waiting for him to continue. TJ was now quiet and unmoving as well. Rush, feeling the right level of suspense was reached, said:

"They gave me the knowledge and means to use the chair and get us all home."

There was a gasp heard from the direction of main part of infirmary and both of them looked to see Chloe, her eyes wide. Rush fell silent, unnaturally uncertain expression written in his eyes. TJ moved in Chloe's direction but Young said:

"Let her stay. The crew will find out eventually." TJ nodded and waited, now openly listening. "Rush, details please," Young said, returning his piercing gaze to the scientist.

"Obviously, the S'hottoss got to know about our problems with Destiny, the chair and other such rubbish. They… showed me, from the lack of better description, what to do and gave me this," he reached into his pocket and produced a tiny cube, size of a playing dice. It was made of the same black, shiny metal the alien ship was built of.

"What's that?" asked Young, coming closer to examine the cube. Rush showed it to him but didn't allow the Colonel to take it. He held it on his outstretched palm for them all to see.

"This, Colonel is what will save my life when I use the chair."

They all fell silent, staring at him. Rush seemed uncomfortable with that kind of attention. Young stood rigid, his jaw clenched again, hands folded into fists. "What makes you think that you will be the one to use the chair?" he growled, his voice dangerously low. Something flashed in Doctor's eyes and he smirked cunningly.

"One simple fact, Colonel. I made sure that I was the only one able to use it. That way, everybody will be more prone to prevent any more… _accidents_."

They all fell silent again. TJ was eyeing the Colonel, thoughts running a thousand miles an hour in her head. Chloe also seemed hesitant but apparently she decided not to play on it, as she asked:

"When will we be able to get back home?"

Rush glanced at her and answered, nonchalantly pocketing the cube again:

"I don't know. But we speculated a bit and from what I gathered, we could get back in sixteen to seventeen months."

"That…" Chloe's shoulders dropped a fraction "…is a long time."

"That, miss Armstrong," answered Rush, piercing her with his gaze, accent oddly thickening in his heavy voice, "is much, much less than I was giving any chances."

The conversation ended as Eli barged in, saying that the readings of new circuit looked promising. They all looked at him and he fell silent. "What?" he asked.

***

The first thing Eli noticed was that everything run smoothly, as if the presence of the Doc by itself calmed the troubled ship. In reality, the newly fixed circuits stabilized most of the systems and re-automated its work. Rush explained that he will need all the time he can get when he uses the chair and this way he won't have to worry about minor details. Eli was angry for a moment that the scientist didn't take into account his… well, his and Brody's ability to run the ship but then remembered how tiring these two weeks were, made a quick calculation of expanding that into sixteen months or so and decided to shut up about it.

The next thing he noticed, was the calmness. Rush was mostly ignoring everybody, but not in the 'ignore-them-or-shred-them-to-pieces' way he used to. It was more of a 'don't-care' ignoring. Which was surprising, considering how their level of screwing thing up raised drastically since he entered the Control Room for the first time yesterday.

On the other hand, Young wasn't bothering them as much as he used to. Maybe the perspective of getting back home got him to stop pestering the Doc, but he was giving them considerably more of a free hand than before. Plus, he seriously seemed to avoid Rush. This got Eli really interested.

The whole crew seemed to be more lively. The news spread at the speed of light and soon they were divided into two camps: the ones that were happy about going back home at all, and the ones that didn't like the time perspective. But as Eli's watchful kinos listened to the conversations between crewmembers, he noticed that whichever camp it was, there was much less hostility towards Rush. Before, they knew he was their only hope. Now they knew what happened, when he wasn't there. And so, even though the whole room fell silent every time Rush walked into it, there weren't as many hateful glares. He still ignored them. Except for one occurrence.

***

As soon as Rush left the control room, Eli sent a kino after him. Not only was it his new hobby, to try spying on people without them noticing (Sometimes, when alone, Rush made the most hilarious faces. Not very often but still worth the effort. Other were priceless, too. For example Greer once… no, that's a story for another time), he was still under the order to keep an eye on the Doc. Only this time, Young said, strictly for monitoring his health. Yeah, right. Still, lots of fun so he went along with it.

Rush strode down the corridor (_seriously, does this dude ever walk normally?_ Eli wondered) and into the Mess Hall. All eyes were on him momentarily but he, as usual, went straight to his corner seat and waited for his portion of food. As Becker left his side, another crewmember approached. Her name was Sarah, she was in her early forties and she worked as the supply manager in the base. To Eli, she looked like a person that was at the moment betting everything on a single shot, which she wasn't certain would hit the target. She fumbled with her hands for a second, waiting for him to notice that she was standing there. When he ignored her (Eli, from where the kino was positioned, could see that he spared a quick glance in her general direction but didn't raise his head so it didn't get registered by the poor woman), she looked at her friends, seated around a nearby table and abruptly sat opposite the scientist.

This time he raised his head a bit, enough to see her face from under his raised eyebrows, shoulders still slumped above his generously thick meal.

"Yes?" he simply said and stuffed another spoonful in his mouth. The woman seemed surprised that he acknowledged her but set on achieving whatever she came to do.

"Hi, Doctor Rush," she said, a bit over-optimistically. "You probably don't know me. My name is Sarah, Sarah Jenkins…"

"I know," he said and Sarah seemed genuinely surprised. Eli certainly was. Since when did Rush pay attention to peoples' names?

She recovered from her initial shock and smiled, a bit more confident now that she didn't meet a brick wall of irritation or defensiveness she was expecting.

"Yes, well… Smith over there," she pointed at one of her companions, a chubby man with bolding head, "brought a magnetic chessboard along and we were thinking of organizing a small tournament. We thought that, maybe… you would like to take part in it?"

He gave her a long look that is usually given to mentally unstable people. Something unreadable flashed in his eyes but it was gone as soon as it came and he uttered a simple "No, thank you," going back to his food.

"Aw, come on," she whined and he raised his brows in silent astonishment. Probably at the fact that the woman was apparently having a death wish. "We know you play. Smith said, that you're pretty good, too. Don't be like that."

His eyes flashed dangerously, face twisting with a scowl for a second and that's when she knew that she made a mistake. Just as she was about to apologize, Rush closed his eyes, took a deep breath and looked at her, his features expressionless but calm.

"Miss Jenkins," he said quietly "I'm afraid that with 'being _like that,'_" he made a non-committed gesture with his hand, "I merely play along your previous predicament. I also appreciate the offer but as you know, I have quite a lot of work to do and am a bit short in the department of free time. As soon as I settle everything, I will be more than eager to take part in a decent game of chess but for now – I must decline. Good luck to you, though."

With that, he stood and left the baffled woman still sitting by the table and got back to work. That night TJ had to come to the control room to shoo him out to get some sleep.

***


	4. Session 1

A/N:Thank you all for your kindness, I'm rly happy that you like it ^^

This chapter is experimental. I'll explain at the end of it. Enjoy :)

SESSION 1

For once, everything was running smoothly. The last planet they found gave them a huge supply of meat and fruits, also some herbs and roots that were supplying their nutritious meals with actual taste. The vegetables they were growing in their makeshift greenhouse were also of better quality, as well as quantity.

Rush restored most of the systems that were able to operate, fixed everything he was able to working condition and, after many days of restless, hard work and even more fights with TJ about food and sleep, he finally announced that everything was ready for him to use the chair.

They were a step closer to getting home.

The Doc was waiting for them in the chair room. A small group consisted of himself, Colonel Young, Camille Wray, Eli, Brody and, at Rush's special demand, Lieutenant Johansen. The all got settled around the chair, as the scientist was explaining something quietly to Brody and Eli, showing them something on one of the consoles. When he was finished, he stepped next to the chair and said:

"Before I begin, I want to make what will happen known to all of you. Especially you, Lieutenant," he looked at TJ, "as I might require some medical attention after the first use."

"What do you mean 'first', Rush?" Young said, his mood exceptionally foul today. He obviously didn't like the whole ordeal.

"Franklin died because he was stupid," Rush said. "But not just _being_ stupid in that particular moment, just daft in general." Brody fumed at that but he paid no mind to it, continuing. "He generally copied the _whole_ database of Destiny's memory banks into his mind. As most of you probably know, as I recall this is elementary knowledge, we only use a small fraction of our brain capacity. That being a fact, Franklin simply overloaded his mind with information. Even though I daresay I use slightly more of my brains, I certainly wouldn't survive that either. That is, where the smart cube the S'hottoss presented me with, comes in handy," he moved to the console where he was standing when they came in and pointed at the small object that was now connected to the machinery with two cables. "It basically does three things. It slows the transfer process, it enables dividing the data into smaller, manageable portions and, finally, allows to reverse the process."

He went back to the chair and gently put his palm flat on the surface of one of the armrests. "I will not be keeping any of the knowledge," he shot a pointed look at Young but cast his eyes sideways right after. It was clear that we was beginning to feel agitated, some worry shining in his eyes.

"My idea is to download a part of the information at a time and write it down on the paper we luckily brought, then exchange it for another part and so on. In the meantime, Eli and Adam will be processing what has already been written down." He spun around to face TJ.

"Lieutenant, I'm not sure what will happen. As I suspect the reaction varies in dependence of the amount transferred and personality but…" he hesitated, his brow creasing, "I'm afraid that the boring holes in the head part is unavoidable so…" TJ nodded her head and allowed him to search her face with his nervous eyes. Apparently he found what he was looking for as he abruptly spun around and sat in the chair, not wasting any more time.

"Miss Wray, I highly recommend you to leave the vicinity," he said and nodded his head for Eli to begin as the woman left, casting them one last look. The young man hesitated for a second but patted at the console buttons. The clasps fell with a snap around Rush's wrists and ankles, the neural-transmitting collar lowered to his temples. Now clearly nervous, Rush closed his eyes and clenched his fists. His mouth twitched in a familiar tick that clearly meant uneasiness.

There was a growing buzz and the screws moved towards the scientist's head. He let out a strangled grunt of pain as two of them bore into his flesh, the rest keeping him in place. His whole frame stiffened and he opened his eyes wide, small whimpers coming out of his mouth with splutters of saliva.

The whole ordeal lasted maybe half a minute and TJ was ready to catch his slumped body when the chair relieved its hold on the frail man. She laid him on the floor and examined his pulse and pupils reactions.

"Conscious but in shock," was her verdict, "help me get him to the infirmary." She and Young took him in between themselves and led the staggering man. He obviously did his best to help them out but every time he tried to make a firm step, his legs were buckling under his not-so-impressive weight. Blood was dripping from his temples to the ground and Eli was doing his best to avoid stepping on the droplets as he followed them.

As soon as they lay him on a cot, he spun to his side and wretched violently on the floor. Smell of vomit filled the room as he lay back, some of it dripping down his chin. He seemed more lucid and managed to focus his gaze as TJ gently cleaned his face. They all waited, Rush just stared at the ceiling.

"Can you hear me, doctor Rush?" Tamara asked, flashing a small light in his eyes. He blinked rapidly and nodded his head "Do you know where you are?" she kept asking. He swallowed and opened his mouth but no sound came out. He cleared his throat and tried again "T-the… uh… i-infirmary," he said. TJ nodded with approval. One of the crewmembers that was helping her in the sick bay came to clean the floor, eyeing the Doc curiously.

"How are you feeling?" the paramedic kept asking, dampening Rush's forehead with a wet cloth

"Like a wee bundle of pain and misery," he answered and made a move to sit but she stopped him with a firm hand. He didn't put up much of a fight. "I think the top of my head fell off somewhere in the corridor," he muttered and covered his eyes with one arm.

"Did it work?" Young asked, approaching the bed. Rush nodded his head

"This is…" he said and looked at the colonel "incredible. I feared that I won't have any conscious access to the information but I do… amazing!"

"Do you know… something useful?" Eli asked, not wanting to ask outright if there was any knowledge he got about getting them the hell off that ship.

"Oh, I always knew many useful things," Rush smirked, "but I didn't acquire any knowledge that would allow us to go back to Earth, if that is what you are asking for" Eli's arms dropped. "Still," Rush added, slowly sitting up, "I need to write down what I did get"

"Oh no, you don't," TJ snapped. She already had a small bottle in her hands and some gauze "First I clean up your head. The wounds look quite deep," she wetted the gauze with antiseptic and jabbed at the punctures with it.

"And quite painful!" he snapped and moved away from her hand.

"Don't be such a baby, Doc," Eli said but obviously he knew that that wasn't a good thing to say and shut up, backing away.

"The kid's right, you know," TJ muttered as she pulled his head towards her, now more gently padding the wounds "You _do_ whine."

Rush glared at her but remained still "I'm a scientist. Not big with pain. This is more than I'm used to."

None of them noticed when Young glanced at them both and left, probably to announce the success of the neurotransmission trial to the rest of the crew. "What are you used to, then?" TJ asked conversationally as she applied dressing to his wounds.

"Migraines," he answered simply, not bothering with further explanations.

"Well, that explains why you're so adorably sweet most of the time," she said with a smirk.

"Har, har," he answered and rubbed at his eyes. Eli, now silently watching the two, couldn't miss the casual and comfortable way they were conversing. TJ was always a social girl and was generally good with others but the Doc didn't seem as a big people's person. And then it hit him. That is how he must've be back on Earth. He probably did have some friends back home, did he? Eli was pretty certain that he wouldn't act like a egocentric jerk towards people he felt comfortable with. Comforted with the knowledge that there was more to the scientist than they were all used to, he decided to leave them alone.

"I should probably get started with my notes," he said and slid off the cot when TJ was done. He steadied himself with one hand against the bed for a moment and made a move to the door. He was stopped by a slender hand wrapping around his arm. He looked at her with an odd expression on is face.

"Not so fast," she said, letting go of him. "Eat something before you disappear from the face of the ship," he started to shake his head but was stopped once more. "I know that if you start now, you'll be at it as long as it take to write everything down. Don't starve yourself to death in the process of saving us, ok?"

He had to admit that she was right, there was no point in arguing, especially when he was feeling that his stomach was demanding a re-fill for what it lost so abruptly twenty minutes ago. He nodded his head and TJ smiled. "C'mon, my treat," she said and he laughed. They went to the mess hall together.

***

It took Rush three days to write down everything he got to know. Even though he was saving the paper as much as he could, writing in tiny letters and on both sides of the paper sheets, it took almost one hundred of them to fit all he deemed useful or interesting. To his co-workers, he seemed to fall into some kind of trance when he was writing. During meals TJ and Eli made him take, he seemed weary and didn't speak much, just enough to complain about a headache.

The second night TJ found him asleep with his head on the table, papers scattered around him. She covered the man with a blanket and took off his glasses. They were leaving an uncomfortably looking mark on the bridge of his nose and were pressuring the wounds on his temples.

As she was about to leave the room, he stirred. She watched his brows crease and a scowl show upon his lips. One of his hands twitched and she realized that he was having a nightmare. She came back to his side and shook him gently. He woke up with a start.

"Everything all right, Doctor?" she asked and he nodded, rubbing his face. She left him like that, not prying about what he was dreaming about.

***

As soon as he opened his eyes, he had to shut them again. The light was definitely too bright. He groaned as he felt his head pounding.

"TJ, he's awake," he heard a voice on his right and recognized it as Eli's. Soon after, a cool hand touched his forehead. It felt good.

"We definitely weren't expecting _that,_" TJ said as he squinted his eyes to adjust to the light.

"And by 'that' you mean…?" he asked, his voice sounding raspy in his own ears.

"When you were returning the knowledge to the depository, something seemed wrong, the cube was blinking red. After the chair released you, you had some sort of attack. Seizures, nose bleeding, respiratory arrest. Apparently your body didn't like the idea of loosing the knowledge," she said. Seeing him squinting, she dimmed the lights. Temporary photophobia, she figured.

"Maybe I'll need to calibrate the cube. The process isn't a natural one," he explained, looking around. He was in his own room, TJ next to him and Eli behind her "The S'hottoss understood that the Ancients were capable of maintaining a stable link designed for continuous contact with the interface. Their brains worked on much higher level then ours," he made a move to sit up but TJ's voice stopped him.

"I wouldn't get up if I were you," she said. Nicholas then noticed an odd thing. He had his shirt on but was missing the bottom half of his attire. He took a cautious peek under the sheets he was covered with.

"Why am I half naked?" he asked, suspicion of what he was about to hear creeping into his voice. TJ looked uncomfortable.

"We had to wash some of your clothes and you didn't have any spare ones…" she muttered, confirming his fears. He stared at them with a look of sheer horror on his face. "You're kidding, right?" he said but their faces said clearly that they weren't.

He groaned heavily and fell on his back, covering his rapidly reddening face with both hands. TJ tried to ease the situation by saying: "It was only me and Eli there…"

"Yes, two people too many," came a muffled reply from beneath his hands. They dropped the subject after that.

TJ had some food ready for him and he ate it under her watchful gaze as Eli reported their progress on his notes. Mainly, it were the total basics about the ship's course, some logs and technical details. They got to know a reason for Destiny's pitiful condition – about sixty years ago it was passing though an electromagnetic storm which caused a magnetic coupling transmission in the shield, which in turn fried some of the systems. Not long after that a hostile vessel attacked and the creatures tried to board the ship. The security systems were able to fend off the attackers at the cost of further damage.

They also had gotten a pretty good idea about the nearest vicinity's layout. The ship was huge and for now Rush only got what they needed the most – near areas that after adjustments might become usable. If only they would be able to repair two of the sealed off corridors, they might get access to a medical scanner, an unlabeled storage room and, most importantly, another water container – there seemed to be one for each sector of the ship. There was also an entry about a cold store, or cryogenic chamber – the translation was difficult to interpret. Whatever it was, might be valuable.

Young dropped by in the meantime to check on him and consult about the best choices for a restoring crew to start repairing the corridors. As there were only two suits, they decided upon three people – one for monitoring the progress from afar (that would be Volker, they all had a crawling suspicion that Rush designated the man only to remove him from his own sight), one of the soldiers for heavy lifting and Simmons, the Icarus mechanic. Young exchanged a few words with TJ and by the time they were finished, Rush was fast asleep, one leg dangling from the side of the bed.

***

***

A/N: Sorry for another author's note but I had to share with you some of my musings.

Every time I watch a movie or a TV show and I see someone seizing, having some sort of attack or whatever else, I wonder: why, not even once, didn't I see the hero soiling himself? Seriously, when someone undergoes such an attack, it's unlikely _not_ to happen, especially with all the pain and suffering added for drama effect. My friend is in medic school and he agrees, he says that in moments like that all constrictors loosen in most of the cases.

One might think that in times when sex, violence, drugs and other (previously) uncomfortable topics are no longer being omitted, on the contrary – shown in most disgusting ways, urine wouldn't be a problem. Where does it come from? Creators' ignorance of facts? Actors' pride? Or is it just plain uncomfortable?

Whatever it might be, I'm breaking the taboo ;) "SG: Universe" is a show for adults and it breaches barriers. Why shouldn't a fanfic about it be the same?


	5. Session 2

A/N: Hi guys! Since you've been so generous with the review quantity (and quality :D), I've decided to post another chapter :) See? Reviewing Does pay off ;P

I noticed that there were no flames for the last chapter - that's a good thing, it means you're good, mature readers. My only other story was flamed for some uncomfortable themes and I was afraid that this would be a repetition of that... So thank you, you're really great ^^

Hope you'll like this chap, enjoy! :)

SESSION 2

"Destiny to doctor Rush, please respond."

Silence.

"C'mon, I know you can hear me."

Still nothing.

"Rush, for the love of God…" TJ sighed and slapped the Doc on the shoulder. He grunted but kept writing. "Eli, make him eat that," she put a plate on one of the unused consoles attached to the hob. The younger man flung his arms in the air, his face a picture of disappointment.

"Aw, man! TJ, I'm kinda busy here. Don't make me do this…"

"Stop whining. Just make him eat."

Before she left the room, a small grunt made her look to where Nicholas was hunched over his notes. He cleared his throat once more, brows creasing in a frown, still looking down.

"Lieutenant, is there a possibility of you bringing me some…" he hesitated, rubbing his forehead "…damn. Eli, _mek'tel naa tokh_"

"Painkillers," the Math Boy translated for him and TJ nodded her head. Rush went back to work.

She worried. The more Rush used the chair, the more he complained about headaches. He was a man true to his word (at least when it came to that) and was proving that pain was definitely not his thing. And obviously it was getting worse, since his mood was growing more foul on a daily basis. At least he wasn't very vocal about it, only stalked the corridors, sulking, when not writing.

That didn't sit well with her as well. Young told her about general O'Neil's encounter with Ancient depository and she knew he eventually started speaking only Ancient. Here, it wasn't much of a problem since most of them spoke it now, still, it wasn't a good thing. For one, she, _the medic_, couldn't speak Ancient – just some basic words – and thus, if anything happened and no one was around, she might have a slight problem finding out what was wrong.

When she came back with the pills, Eli was gone (probably run to hide from her as the food she left for Rush was untouched) and the Doc was still slumped over the table top, his eyes barely open, gaze unfocused. She walked to his side and put a hand on his shoulder, startling the man out of his oblivion. He looked at her impassively, until she handed him the pills and a cup of water.

"I think you should call it a night," she said calmly, taking a pencil out from his hand and setting it on top of the small stack of paper he produced that day. She reached for the bowl she brought earlier, stirred the content and handed it to him. He started eating without complain.

TJ eyed the man as he wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings. The little weight he regained under her watchful eye, he was loosing again. Dark shadows were looming under his eyes and she had to admit that at the moment, in his dirty clothes he looked like a hobo. Enough was enough, she thought as he finished his food.

"Ok, shower time for you, mister," she admonished and he looked at her as if she was mental.

"And you are who to me exactly, to boss me around?" he asked, accent a bit more apparent in his words than usual. Angry or tired enough not to care.

"Your medic, for one. Young ordered me to keep an eye on you since you're the only one able to use the cube. Have you got a razor or will you shave with a knife?" he glared at her but produced a small pocket knife, opening it and showing her an old-fashion razor.

"Well, I'm impressed," she said as they were walking down the corridor leading to the shower. "I didn't think you to be someone who carries a pocket knife on him. Especially not one that has a razor."

"Custom made," he answered, "and a gift."

"This is the most inadequate gift I've ever seen," she said with a laugh. "Who would give you such a thing?"

"Not as inadequate as you might think," he said. "When I lived in Glasgow I always carried a knife with me. A necessity of sorts, especially in times of my youth. This was a sort of irony on Gloria's side when I went there to visit my father."

TJ cast him a questioning glance.

"Gloria… my wife," he said, not looking at her. Instead he took off his spectacles and started cleaning them with the hem of his shirt. They were silent for a moment but TJ couldn't resist stealing a peek at his wedding band. She never inquired about that but today, tired and distracted, he seemed more open so she decided to take a shot.

"She must be a good person. Doesn't she miss you? I know you didn't use stones to meet your family yet."

He didn't say anything. Tamara thought he wasn't going to answer her when he spoke quietly:

"She's dead. I don't have any other family worth mentioning."

"Oh… I'm sorry" she said. The way he said it made her sad. And it made sense. It actually explained more about him than she thought possible.

"It's more of a keepsake, the pocket knife," he continued, now lost in thought. "I carry it with me since the only other thing I had to remind me of her was left in the drawer of my bedside table at the Icarus Base."

"What was it?" she asked in a small voice. She knew she was pushing it but just couldn't resist.

"A photography," he said matter-of-factly, his brows raising in thought. "From a trip to San Francisco. She had a concert there and I tagged along. She was a violinist, a very good one. These was the last months before we found out she was sick. Cancer," he spoke in a detached tone of a person who tries his best not to be swept by his emotions and yet she could see the pain in his eyes, still fresh and raw.

Rush seemed to have realized by now what was coming out of his mouth and made an embarrassed face "I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I got carried away there for a second."

"Not at all," she answered. "Everybody needs to talk about things like that at some point."

"I guess you're light, TJ" he said, looking at her thoughtfully. She stared right back, taken aback by the familiarity she wasn't used to from the normally reserved man. He flashed her a sad smile and walked into the shower room, which they have reached without her even realizing.

***

The data removal procedure went much better this time. Even though TJ could see some distress in Nicholas's eyes as he approached the chair, she could see that he felt fairly good this time. He seemed rested, he obviously washed his clothes and, for the first time since they got onboard the Destiny, he was shaved to the skin. She had to stop herself from smirking at two small cuts on his jaw but thought better of it. How many times did she cut her calf when she was shaving her legs? Too many.

There were no seizures. There was no respiratory arrest. They allowed Rush to recover, still sitting in the chair and, for the first time, clenching his temples. Aggravating the same wounds for the third time must've been extremely unpleasant. She dressed them there, not bothering with dragging him to the infirmary. He complained, saying that he would like to go through with the next portion of Ancient knowledge but she forebode him sternly.

"Hey, Doc," Eli spoke up after he heard that. "Volker managed to hook up Wray's laptop to the main computer, we'll be watching some movies on big screen tonight. Since it's your day off, you should join us."

"I still have other thing to do, Eli," Rush answered

"It's not like you're not doing enough already…" Eli started and TJ added:

"Yeah, you could use a moment to relax, you know. You're straining yourself enough as it is."

"C'mon, We'll be watching a rendered version of 'Casablanca' tonight, you have to come" Eli pressed "It's the kind of movies old people like so you should love it…"

TJ couldn't stop a snort from escaping as she watched Rush's face. He seemed to be torn between being offended and amused but settled for annoyance. He scowled at Eli, who mitigated as soon as he realized what he said.

"I mean… Not that you're old, or something… not _that _old… I-I mean… uh, TJ, a little help?" she had to laugh at his pleading voice.

"What he meant to say was, we know you like classic movies. And I heard the rendered version is pretty good. Come on, don't make us beg."

He caved in, finally. His mouth twisted in a half-smile, as he said:

"I obviously have no other choice, since you would probably just kept on pestering me… It would be my pleasure to join you. Let me just go to my quarters for a few moments" he then stood up and left the room, leaving them pleased with themselves enough not to notice pallor of his face.

***

As soon as the door to his room slid shut behind him, he leaned heavily on their cool surface. He glanced at his hands, which were shaking visibly. He stayed like that for a long time, gathering his strength.

***

TJ didn't like the movie, she grew bored with it after firs half an hour. From where she was seated, on the side of the Mess Hall, she could see Eli shifting in his seat, obviously bored out of his wits as well. They still watched the damn thing, it was better than nothing. That didn't mean she didn't have any entertainment.

She chose this location deliberately. Not only was it one nearest to the door, she also had a fairly good view of the rest of the accommodation. Primitive version of a cinema was set here earlier that day, A big projector presenting them with the larger version of what was going on the screen of a thin laptop. Some of the others watched with interest, some took the opportunity as more of a social occasion, chatting silently or making funny comments about the movie. She heard bits of that and was fairly pleased that the spirits were high.

What she found interesting, were Young and Rush. Apparently they found a common ground finally, as they were sitting next to each other – some distance still put between them – and watched the movie, commenting here and there. Probably unaware of it, they took exactly the same position, arms crossed and back resting on the side of the table. On a daily basis, there was still hostility between them but here, watching the 'Casablanca', they seemed to be almost friendly with each other.

When she thought more about it, Tamara had to admit that she couldn't remember them arguing even once since Rush came back from his abandonment. Mostly they just avoided each other like the plague, but when they _did_ have to talk, they were very careful with their words. It was also obvious that by some unspoken rule, they never met alone, always there was someone in the room besides them. If it was Rush or Young that was arranging things this way, she couldn't quite tell.

The movie ended but people mostly stayed in the room, taking this opportunity to spend some time together. Tamara saw Eli approaching Young and Rush and decided to do the same. Also Scott and Chloe stood nearby. As TJ approached the group, she could hear the end of a sentence muttered in a silent, Scottish voice:

"… good but it just lacks the character without the grain and glitches."

"So true" Young answered "what do you think, Scott?"

"Dunno, sir. Never saw the movie in the original quality."

Both Rush and Young stared at him.

"Didn't your father take you to the movies to see it?" Nicholas asked and Scott said no. Both older men grunted disapprovingly and the rest of them had to laugh to that. The younger part of their group started chatting about newest movie productions.

At some point a group of crewmembers came by and asked if they could take the table since it wasn't actually being used, so the colonel and Rush stood up. As if a spell has been broken, they looked at each other, or rather clashed glares and, as if on cue, spun around and went in opposite directions, leaving four baffled faces in their wake.

***

A/N: Ok, so I had to make Eli tell Rush he was old at SOME point. I just had to. Sorry ;)


	6. Session 3

SESSION 3

Rush was removing the dressing from his temples as she entered the Chair Room. It was Brody who was operating the console today and he was silently typing in the instructions, ignoring her arrival. She approached Rush unceremoniously grabbed his jaw to title his head to the side. He petulantly waited for her to finish her examination as she spoke quietly, so Becker wouldn't hear her:

"For a moment there, we thought that you and colonel Young settled things between you," he bore his eyes into hers and, with displeasure, she saw how reserved his face seemed.

"Things between us were settled a long time ago. We hate our guts and don't trust each other," he said, also quietly.

"You seemed all chummy yesterday during the movie."

His mouth twitched.

"Yes, well, 'Casablanca' does that to people."

"Rush, we need for people to see that things are getting better. There is no time for fighting."

"Yes, that's why we don't do that anymore." She cast him an angry glare and he sighed heavily. "Ok, listen. For the two of us everything is clear. Colonel Young is a grown man and I am as well, even thought not a very impressive one. And men have their ways of going about things like that. What has happened, has happened. And we will eventually come to terms with it but it takes time. Is that understandable enough for you?"

"Yeah, I guess…" and it was. Her father was a similar kind of man, colonel Young especially reminded her of the pops. Once, when he was still working, he and his best friend argued about some problems with the business and they both got carried away a bit. They haven't seen or heard of Bob for two weeks after that but when the playoffs started, he showed up on their doorstep, exchanged glances with her dad, handed him a six pack… and suddenly it was like nothing ever happened.

Maybe that's one of the reasons she fell for Everett, he was thought and wise, and so much like her dad… These things never work out in the end.

Rush nodded his head and pressed his mouth into thin line, sitting in the chair. They all could see how he hated it, the pain, the nausea, and they couldn't blame him. As the restrains closed with a snap, he flinched, he did every time. TJ took her position behind the chair, near the wall. She had to be there but she didn't want Rush or Brody see that she was turning her eyes away during the process. She didn't want to watch anyone suffering, especially not willingly. As he convulsed in custody of the device, Tamara had to squeeze her eyes shut.

Some minutes later, when she was making sure nothing was worse then previous two times – they learned pretty fast lo leave Rush in the chair instead of moving him to the infirmary – the whole ship shook violently and they both tumbled to the ground.

"Wha…?" Rush mumbled, trying to remove himself from her grasp on the floor, failing. TJ's radio came to life with Young's voice:

"TJ, bring Rush to the control room!"

She pushed the button on the device, not taking it out of it's holster. "Sir, he only now finished the neural-transfer procedure, he's in no shape to move!"

"Damn it!" Young's voice sounded angry and anguished. Destiny shook again and sound of metal bending sounded somewhere in the distance.

"What's going on?!" Tamara shouted into the speaker, at the same time trying to subdue Rush, who was scrambling into a half kneeling position, drawing a disoriented gaze over the room.

"We're under attack! We _need_ Rush!" was the answer and then Young started shouting orders to other soldiers onboard.

"T-take me there…" she heard Rush say as he tried to grab her shoulder but his hand slipped.

"You can't…" TJ started but was interrupted by him barking out: "Brody!"

The other scientist didn't have the same doubts she did. He approached them and helped Rush to his feet, throwing her a fleeting look. They both staggered for a moment, adjusting their grips on each other as Brody swung Rush's arm over his shoulder. They made their way to the door but as another tremor went through the walls, they had to stop to keep their footing. The only thing Tamara could do at this point was to go to them, take Rush's other arm and help them.

When they arrived to the Control Room, all other occupants looked at them for a moment. Eli cast a worried glance at Rush's bloodied face – she didn't have time to dress his wounds and the blood was dripping down his chin and onto his shirt – but the young man had no time to comment as the console he had in front of him beeped twice and a moment later there was another quake.

Colonel Young waited silently for them to approach and have Rush seated in front of another console, which he gripped tightly with one hand, other instantaneously beginning to tap shakily on the surface.

"Scott says there is only one vessel." Young said. "But they are heavily armed."

"H-ow does t-the, uh, vessel l-look like?" Rush asked, still typing. Some diagrams and a visual of Destiny's layout showed on the big screen in front of them.

"Scott described it as a huge brick with hemispheres on the sides."

Rush muttered something under his breath and said, louder:

"It's the Kiekst'Raaths. They're an aggressive tribe of thieves."

"How do you know that?!" Young demanded, visibly shaken.

"The S'hottoss showed me." Rush closed his eyes and put a shaky hand to his forehead, his whole body titled to the side for a moment. He straightened when he realized he was about to fall of the chair.

"You knew there were space pirates here and you didn't tell us?!" Eli demanded, his face shocked and angry. Young looked as if he was about to ask the same thing.

"The possibility of e-encounter was minimal…"

"You should've told us regardless!" Young snapped and the room shook again. A red light started blinking on the console and Rush cursed.

"Whatever," Rush answered. "Now is not the time for arguing. Young, we have two options. Either we answer with fire, which might not be a good idea since the installation is unstable, or we could communicate with them and lie our way out of the situation."

"What do you mean?"

"We could threaten them with revenge, they're not the brightest race around. There is only one problem."

"What would that be?" Young grunted and Rush swept some hair off his face.

"They're telepaths, like the S'hottoss. That means whoever would be to communicate with them, would have to have a fair grip on what they're thinking. Basically, they would have to lie to themselves in order to lie to them."

"Why don't you do it then? You're good at lying to everyone," Young said venomously and the two men glared at each other amongst shaking of the ship. TJ, from where she was standing could see something dark pass through Rush's eyes and they settled on the empty impassiveness they saw there after his return.

"If you wish to risk them gaining access to what I keep in my head at the moment, yeah, sure – why not. But I think you'll manage just as well."

They eyed each other, a clash of wills. TJ, Eli and Brody watched silently, taking in what Rush was implying to process it later, after the mess is over.

"You sure that blasting them to pieces isn't better?" Young muttered and Rush shook his head. "Your previous attempts of dialing Earth only served to weaken the system, some components not possible to fix at the moment. We could succeed or we could be shredded to pieces. Besides, we don't have full control over the targeting system. You need to trust me on this one."

The colonel looked as if he wanted to say something unpleasant to that but kept silent. Finally, with hesitation, he nodded his head.

"How will we do it?"

"When I came back onboard, I adjusted the communication system to accommodate a telepathic connection," Rush answered and made a move to stand up. If it wasn't for Young's quick reaction, he would fall to the floor.

"Uh… Eli" the scientist muttered, sitting back "bring me the device I've been working on"

Some time ago Eli found Rush sitting on the Observation Deck in the middle of the night, tempering with a small console. It had many plugs and wires on the side and looked to Eli like a prop for a B-class sci-fi movie. Rush never told him what it was.

When the Math Boy returned to the Control Room, Destiny was giving away sounds as if it was about to explode. In the corridors, people were running in panic, stopping him every few steps to ask what was going on. The military tried to calm everybody down without much success as they seemed uncertain themselves. Some pipes were hissing, in one of the corridors someone was trying to put out fire shooting from a conduit. It looked much worse here than in the Control Room.

Rush took the device from him and beckoned Young to come closer. He touched the screen and it lit with numbers in Ancient symbols. Nicholas connected it to the bigger console with a plug on the side, then handed Young a cable with what looked to be a pulse-clip, instructing him to put it on his finger.

"Now listen carefully," Rush said, piercing the colonel with deadly serious eyes, his brows creased. "There will be pain. You can't let it knock you out, just… bear with it. They will try to scan your memory, the link will prevent some of it but you must be focused all the time. They communicate mostly with images and feelings. Think of the S'hottos, try to remember how they looked, how they looked at you. Try to feel angry but not frustrated. I'll help you on the way."

Young nodded silently, taking in what Rush said. They were going to fool the attackers into thinking that harming them might mean revenge. He focused on that. Rush glanced at him once again and typed something on his console. After a moment one of the lights lit and he pressed another button. A big holographic screen came to life in front of them, showing what might be a face.

The Kiekst'Raaths looked very similar to S'hottoss, the only difference was that the one they were seeing had braided hair on the top of his head and a spiky armor on his arms. As soon as the image appeared, TJ noticed Rush's face scrunched in what might be fear, he seemed to fold in on himself.

Young put a stern, angry expression on his face as he looked at the creature. And then he lurched backwards as if hit with an invisible force, his eyes going wide with shock. Surprisingly, it was Rush who supported him. He looked as if he was running on adrenaline as he positioned himself behind the Colonel.

"Leave him, it's normal," Rush muttered to TJ, when she made a move to go to her superior, who seemed to be barely able to sit straight. She swallowed hard but remained where she stood.

"Suck it up, Young," Rush growled silently and Young nodded his head. He again made an angry face, even thought he was sweating profoundly. "Think of the S'hottoss," Rush kept muttering. "Do you remember the defense system on the Icarus base? Remember the cannons. Imagine the U.S.S. Hammond, it's weapons firing. The Goa'uld Mother Ship blown to pieces."

He kept muttering about visions of war and destruction and they could all see that the Kiekst'Raath's demeanor slowly changed. His massive arms dropped a fraction and he flared at them with his beady eyes. TJ saw Rush's hand clasp around Young's arm, his thin fingers boring into the colonel's muscle. This, surprisingly, seemed to have a calming effect on the taller man, as if it altered his attention from the pain he was undoubtedly feeling inside his skull. With concern the paramedic noticed that a droplet of blood appeared under the Colonel's nose.

To the others it seemed as if ages have passed before the Kiekst'Raath let out a huff through it's nose and his image disappeared. In the same moment the colonel slumped in his seat and clenched his temples with his hands, groaning silently. Rush was still holding his arm but gentler now, as more of support than anything else. He patted Young on the back and murmured:

"Well done, Colonel," with that, he cautiously made his way to the wall seat and closed his eyes. TJ went straight for the colonel.

"Make him lay down, give him some painkillers," Rush said and she looked at him incredulously. "I'll take care of everything here."

"You should lay down as well," she said but was grateful for him wanting to help.

"I'll be fine," he answered, not looking at them. He took hold of Young's radio as he stood to leave the room. She heard him call Scott through the device before he disappeared behind a corner.

She went back to tending to Young.

***

Even thought the attack was strong, there wasn't much damage to the ship, at least not to the habitable areas. The repair teams were already working on fixing everything and it looked quite good.

There were lots of injured though. As the turbulences started, lots of people were thrown around, not able to protect themselves from harm. A lot of them were in the Mess Hall at the time, where it was almost too easy to crash into something. There were broken bones, fractures and flesh wounds, preventing TJ from leaving the infirmary for most of the day. Scott came by later on to inform her and the recovering Colonel that him, Eli and Rush managed to calm down rest of the crew and explain what happened. Wray took care of organizing cleaning parties and so far everything was running smoothly.

After she made sure the Colonel was resting comfortably in his quarters – he seemed quite shaken with the whole telepathic ordeal – she decided to grab something to eat and catch up on some well deserved rest.

***

When she woke up the next day, she guiltily remembered that she completely forgot to check up on Rush. She was fairly sure that he left his wounds not cleaned, maybe washing his face if luck was on her side.

He didn't even look up when she entered the Control Room. Eli was silently working on his side of the hob but he cast her a quick smile and nodded. Rush was scribbling away, from time to time reacting to a beep of the console by pressing a button or two. There was a holo-screen in front of him flashing some symbols and he seemed to simultaneously scan the content with fleeting looks. He was missing his t-shirt, the once white shirt visible under the vest he seemed to always have on. TJ could only guess that the tee was drying in his private room after an attempt to wash off the blood stains.

"Good morning, gentlemen," Tamara said for the sake of politeness towards Eli. She approached the Doctor's workstation but he stopped her with an outstretched hand, not bothering to look up. "I ate, I slept, I'm busy," he snapped, obviously irritated.

"Yeah, fine. Just let me look at the wounds," she said, a bit taken aback by his anger. Since he came back, there weren't many temper flares on his side and none of them was this obvious. He waved his hand at her, as if she was a pesky fly buzzing next to his ear.

As she tried to ignore him and reached for his temple (she did that a couple of times before, he never objected), he snarled and swatted her hand away, quite forcibly. "For fucks sake, just leave me the hell alone already!" he barked, his accent thickening. Both she and Eli looked at him in shock.

"Since yesterday, there isn't five minutes of peace!" he yelled, flailing his hands wildly. "You people bother me all the time! Questions! Problems! Tha'kanush me sathio! Av meneet ti han'tha tush…" he kept on ranting, not realizing he switched to Ancient. They kept staring. In the meantime, Chloe came in, probably to take Eli to breakfast as they usually ate it together these days. She joined them in her silent astonishment and Rush stopped himself only when he noticed her frightened expression. His face, by now twisted with rage of unknown origin, softened and he had the decency to look embarrassed.

"I… I'm terribly sorry," he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck "I honestly don't know what came over me…"

"Doctor Rush, your nose is bleeding," Chloe said, pointing at his face. Indeed, a small trickle of blood was making its way down Nicholas's face and he touched it, looking at his fingers.

"I-it's nothing…" but it was something as he grunted and staggered to the wall seat.

"Well this is new," TJ said, checking his eyes. He seemed disoriented. "Did you see it happening before, Eli?" she asked in the general direction of the young man.

"Do you mean the nosebleed or the crazy mood swing?"

"Both."

"He _was _always bitching around but it was quite calm here these days… Oh, and I saw a bloodied hankie in his pocket but figured it to be him ignoring need of a shower. God knows he does that…"

"I'm still here, you know," Rush muttered and Eli cringed. Chloe left the room without another word.

"Not for long if I have anything to say about that. Infirmary, now," TJ said, helping him to his feet. He leaned heavily on her shoulder and for a moment she felt his hot breath on her neck.

As soon as they arrived, TJ was swept away by her two little helpers of the day – Park and Jenkins (the latter hesitated as she saw Rush at the paramedic's side) and only managed to make Nicholas take a seat on a makeshift bed.

He sat there and watched her work. She was gentle with her patients – he knew there were many, he helped assessing the damage yesterday and Wray, of course keeping him personally responsible for the magnitude of it, yelled the exact numbers in his face. He didn't feel guilty, he was fairly certain he had no reason to – the only thing that was his fault, was not telling them of the danger even existing. It wouldn't help much, anyway. It would only serve in people worrying even more. He did everything in his power to save their lives and helped afterwards. Even if it meant him collapsing in his room later that night.

Now it was lieutenant Johansen's responsibility to deal with the people. God only knew the lass was good with that. She was spending a lot of her time near him and Nicholas could see how people were kind and respectful towards her. A bit too respectful for his taste but it was a fact well known to him that it was a PR thing, so to speak. He had the means, had the knowledge and yet, he didn't have it in him to respect the morons so they didn't respect him back. They gave their trust to nice people. It annoyed the crap out of him sometimes but now, he mostly didn't care.

Tamara did. She liked people to like her. He suspected it was a female thing. Gloria was like that too. Maggie as well. He could understand that, even if he didn't agree with this kind of hypocrisy.

He was about to grab some painkillers on his own and leave her to her work but stopped himself when he saw Young coming into the infirmary. He figured that the colonel would turn to TJ, who was on the other side of the room and he would leave then, unnoticed.. To his surprise, Everett slowly made his way in his direction.

"Rush," he nodded his head, standing in front of him.

"Young," he answered wondering what did the soldier want from him. "You should be resting. The connection is strenuous for non-telepaths."

"You lived with it for more than a week, I think I can handle one time. Miss Armstrong informed me you had some sort of weird attack earlier," Young said, oddly with no hostility in his voice.

"Nothing serious, I'm all right," Rush answered, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Of course," Young muttered and made a step towards the scientist. He leaned in closer and said quietly, so no one else could hear him: "Listen, I think we both know you're not all right. You can hide it from TJ but I watch and I see. And if you know what's wrong I think you should tell me, so we can think of something to do about it. Because whether I like it or not, we need you and I will do everything to get these people home, even if it means being nice to you"

They glared at each other, their past encounters hanging in between them. But they also kept in mind that this had to stop, otherwise they would never be able to work together. And at some point, they both realized that stubbornness will get them nowhere. This was probably the most difficult part but on the rocky planet they came to a situation where there were only two options: Survival or cooperation. The first didn't work then so it was time for the latter now.

Rush nodded tiredly.

"During my first session I acquired some information about the neural interface device. As I suspected, it is a very early design. There were some notes that mentioned side effects it might have on a representative of the Ancient's whilst a long term usage. Headaches, slight depression, sleep disorders. It is caused by electric activity increase, which in turn causes a slight swelling of the brain tissue. My guess is, since humans are not as evolved as the Ancients were, the effect is more… drastic."

"What does that mean?"

Rush hesitated. He seemed vulnerable and almost scared.

"I think that with every use of the chair pressure in my scull is growing and will eventually cause internal bleeding and death."

Young stared at him intently for long enough to make Rush feel uncomfortable.

"Why didn't you tell us that?" he demanded finally, his voice stern.

"Seriously, Colonel." Rush said, throwing him a glance from under his eyebrows "I know you don't much care about my wellbeing. But some might not be pleased with their hope being taken away from them in the form of my death. I merely wanted to avoid unnecessary fuss."

"We could have thought of something…"

"You know as well as I do we couldn't."

"And you still want to continue? Even knowing what it might cost you?"

"I have no choice, don't I? My only weapon to protect myself with from you backfired at me," Rush said, a bit bitterly. Young didn't answer for a moment.

"How much do you think you can take without killing yourself in the process?"

"Three, maybe four sessions. But that wouldn't be the kind of life I would like to keep."

Young looked at him questioningly.

"Even if I succeeded and kept my life, the rest of it would be spent in constant pain. The pressure wouldn't go away. It would drive me mad or transform me a blabbering idiot, spending his days on asking for more morphine. I wouldn't want that, Colonel. Of course, there is the possibility that the next session will reveal the master code and everything will be fine. I wouldn't count on it, though."

His face was sorrowful, somewhat resigned. Young felt uneasy, not really sure what to say. What did one say to someone who was facing his own death willingly to save 70+ lives? Luckily, Rush saved him the trouble.

"Colonel, please leave this information to yourself. I especially don't want Eli or Lieutenant Johansen to know." All Young could do was to nod his head. Rush shot him a humorless smile and stood up. He went to the corner of the room, where medical equipment and medications were stored and started rummaging through the black cases. When he found what he was looking for, he smiled again and turned to leave.

"Have a nice day, Colonel," he said over his shoulder, already opening the bottle of painkillers he just stole from the infirmary.


	7. Evenings

A/N: Hey guys, I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday, I really had no time to. But here it is today, a new chapter bringing some more personal stuff up. It was something that I was very hestitant to write, I'm not quite sure how it worked out. So please, let me know if it's any good, if you like it...

Also big thanks for all the reviews I got on the previous chapter, there were so many! It warms my heart :) I love it how you people notice these little things I thought no one would see. You're great :D

Enjoy :)

EVENINGS

Rush couldn't sleep. It's not that he didn't want to. It was the simple fact that every time he closed his eyes, nightmares were plaguing his tired mind. Mostly, it were memories from his life on Earth but no matter how good they were, the nightmares always seemed to twist them into scenes of anger, fear and sorrow. Tonight, after the dream he just woke up from with scream bubbling in his chest, he was definitely going to stay awake as long as possible.

Today was one of his 'days off'. Young made him take mandatory breaks between the chair sessions, effective immediately. And since TJ was keeping a close eye on him, there was no way of escaping it. During the days he was burying himself in work, helping with interpreting his own notes but in the evenings work was off limits to him, again thanks to the ever-present paramedic. She annoyed the crap out of him.

And so he wandered. He was walking down the silent corridors, listening to sounds of the old ship, his Destiny. Since his first session, a big part of this section of the ship was restored, giving them resources they feared they would never acquire. There was a med-bay here, still in restoration process but in a few days time, they will have a medical scanner that will be able to tell them everything about a patient, down to the molecular level. And medical tools. TJ was ecstatic when she saw all of the new equipment. As far as he knew, she was already using the stones in her spare moments to learn, read about medicine and healing. Just yesterday the air-force arranged for her to be a spectator during procedures in a hospital on Earth. He knew because this was all she was yapping about yesterday.

There was also a cold room, which to everyone's delight contained seeds that were already growing sprouts in their makeshift greenhouse. With every discovery they made, it seemed their lives onboard the Destiny were getting just a tad better. Still, without the master code, they had no chance of getting home. This knowledge weighted on Nicholas's thoughts constantly these days.

Finally, his path took him to the Observation Deck. It was devoid of people at this late – or rather early hour. Rush wasn't sure what time it is but he figures it to be around four. He stood in front of the thick glass that separated him from infinity of black, deep space. Destiny was cutting trough this space, leaving a wave of disturbance in her wake. Even thought Nicholas knew it was just a simple occurrence created by their speed – ten years ago it would be an abstract thought for him, crossing the speed of light, what would be the outcome of it, what possibilities it created – he still thought it to be a miracle. Einstein would have a field day with that. Humanity learned so much since SG-1 went through the Stargate for the first time… And still, the Ascention was nothing more than a dream, wishful thinking on their part.

He took a seat on a bench in the middle of the room and gazed ahead. He loved this part of the ship. Unfortunately, others did, too. And so he had to resort to catching fleeting moments of solitude in face of the Universe whenever the Deck was empty. All of a sudden, he felt lonely. Lonely, like he didn't feel since the day Gloria died. With no work to distract him, Nicholas felt like crying. Unmanly, selfishly, crying.

He did the only thing he could think of to relieve his grief.

***

TJ was bone tired. There was so much to do in the infirmary, so many patients to look after that she spent her whole day and greater part of the evening just tending to them. Her helper did their best but they were still learning. Now, she mostly had to watch their every step and catch all their mistakes. And then there was cleaning. Sterilizing the infirmary as best as she could. After the evening of patients and night of cleaning, Tamara's exhaustion reach the point when sleep was nearly impossible.

Deciding to go for a walk, she left her black jacket and utility belt in her room. Mildly chilly air felt refreshing on her bare arms. With a smile she realized that walking around only in her t-shirt and trousers became a luxury.

As she walked down one of the further corridors, she noticed the door to the Observation Deck were open. She walked there silently, peeking in to check who was awake at this hour.

Rush was sitting on the bench, his back to her and his elbows on his knees. TJ guiltily realized she forgot about him today. Just as she was about to call his name, he moved.

She watched him as he slowly reached into his pocket and took out the small Swiss knife. He looked at it for a moment and with a painfully gentle move put it next to him on the bench. Gazing ahead, he spoke silently:

"Hey, Gloria. It's me, Nick."

Tamara's heart leaped in her chest. His voice was tired, heavily accented and so filled with sorrow she could feel her throat clenching. So different from the dry, sarcastic one he used with all of them. She realized she was trespassing on an extremely personal moment but her feet refused to move and she stood there, transfixed.

"I feel ridiculous, doing this," he continued, sounding genuinely embarrassed. "But I… I just need to talk to somebody. And here, on this ship, there is no one… God, Gloria. They hate me, they really do. Honestly, I can't blame them. I didn't give them much reason to like… no, even to tolerate me. The S'hottoss showed it to me. The truth is, Love, that I'm a prick. An asshole of the worst kind. When they were pulling memories out of my head… the physical pain was the least bothering one."

_So they did hurt him_, TJ thought. Probably in more ways than one. And there was no one to fix it.

"Even though I know I was doing the right thing, I could do things so much differently… But it's a bit too late for dwelling on that. It won't change anything. And I'm tired, Gloria. So tired… I don't even know when I lost it. When I lost the resolve to make it better, to create a better tomorrow. When you were at my side, you were pushing me to go further, to make a difference. When you d-died…"

His voice broke for a second and in this one glitch Tamara could see his sadness, his inability to move on.

Rush took a deep breath and continued:

"When you died, it kept me going. Your faith, your confidence in my abilities… And now it's slipping away. I don't think I can do it much longer. The hateful stares, the whispering behind my back… I tried, I tried to ignore it but it finally got to me and I'm sick of it" his voice turned angry, nasal and even more Scottish sounding, some of the words barely understandable to TJ with their foreign pronunciation and audible 'r' "The idiots that think they're so much better because they exchange greetings in the corridors and put fake smiles on their faces to fulfill their egos' will!" he stopped himself, heaved a sigh and slumped his shoulders even more. TJ could see him rubbing his face with both hands.

"The point is… I'm doing this for them and they only see me as an egocentric, egoistic fucker and it's pissing me off. I'm doing my best not to take it out on them but sometimes it's just too easy. It's not helping that I'm afraid. Gloria, I'm scared shittless. Every time I sit in that fucking chair I wonder if I'm going to make it and I fight with myself not to say: 'to hell, to hell with it all'. But I can't ignore the facts. The aliens treated me the way they did because of how I was, because even my subjective memories presented me as a genius but still worthless piece of shite. So I've decided. I'm going to make things right. And when they go home, maybe at least they will remember that I helped to save their miserable lives. So you wouldn't have to be ashamed of me…"

Rush straightened a bit, stretching his sore muscles. He looked at the pocket knife laying next to him for a long time. Then he took it in one hand and began toying with it. He stopped abruptly and TJ had to strain her ears to hear what he said next:

"I miss you, baby, I miss you so much..." his voice was hushed and the deep sob that came from his throat startled Tamara. She stared at him, her own eyes blurry with tears. She never saw a man crying before. Never being in any kind of serious relationship, she didn't get close enough to any guy. Young, in their days of passion, was confiding but it always seemed to Tamara that he was holding back. Probably he was more open to his wife. Or not. Her father was always doing his best to seem though so he was outside the contest. There were few more men in her life but none of them stayed around long enough for any real trusting.

And then Rush came along. Seemingly the most uncaring, ignorant man in the Universe, was crying his soul out in the middle of the night, stars being his only companion. The strange noises he was making fascinated her in some perverse, horrific way. She wanted to go there, look at him and see how tears looked on a man. Instead, she left him there and went to bed.

She slept in that day.

***

When TJ came into the chair room, Rush was already there. And for quite a while, she concluded from his engrossment in what the console he had in front of himself was showing. He looked tired and she couldn't blame him.

"You're late," he said, tapping one final button and leaving the console. He spared her a glance before sitting down.

"A girl has to get her beauty sleep, Doctor Rush," she answered, feigning indifference. She walked up to him and started removing the gauze from his left temple. They had this routine worked out already.

"You should try some more, it doesn't seem to be working" he said, eying Eli who walked into the room. He flinched when she pulled the plaster a bit harder than necessary.

"You don't look so hot yourself," she said lightly and could hear a choking sound from where Eli was standing behind the console. She smirked but the smile left her face almost immediately.

"Jesus, Rush! What were you doing with these?!" she demanded, carefully examining the electrode wounds. The skin around them was angry red and the right one had visible traces of puss around the edges.

"Rubbing on them with a dish cloth," he snapped, momentarily going into defensive stance "What do you think? They get aggravated a lot, They're bound to get nasty."

"What's going on?" Eli asked, coming their way. Rush scowled.

"I can't let you go through with the session. These need to heal or it will only get worse! Eli, we're done here for now, turn the machinery off," she said but Rush was talking almost simultaneously:

"Eli, just ignore her. Let's begin," his voice was angry and somewhat threatening. Eli hesitated.

"Eli, no! I'm calling the Colonel," and she reached for her radio, at the same time moving away from Rush who looked as if he wanted to tear it from her hand "Colonel Young, this is TJ. Do you hear me?"

"I hear you, go on," came from the other side. TJ glanced behind her to see what Rush was doing (knowing him she expected him to be setting the interface himself) but, to her surprise he was still sitting calmly, his face unreadable. Only a small gleam in his eyes disturbed her.

"Doctor Rush got his wounds infected. In my medical opinion he is unfit to go through a session with the neural interface in nearest future."

There was a moment of silence on the other side.

"What does Rush say about it?"

"He says he's fine. I say he's stupid."

Another moment of silence. TJ felt something was wrong, Everett never doubted her judgment before. Especially when the alternative was to listen to Rush.

"Let him do it," Young said and both her and Eli stared at the radio in disbelieve. Rush smirked triumphantly, seemingly not in the least bothered about the colonel going insane in a matter of seconds.

"WHAT?! Sir, you can't…"

"Don't tell me what I can or can't do, Lieutenant. It's his call," his voice had a note of finality in it and so TJ hid her radio back in its pocket, looking at Rush with hostility.

"OK, what's up with that?" she asked the scientist as he waited for Eli to run the program.

"I don't know what you mean," he said with fake innocence.

"What did you do? Did you threaten him? What kind of scam did you pull him in?" She was now furious. In the background Eli was doing his best to begin the procedure as fast as possible, only if to avoid them fighting.

"I merely explained the situation to Colonel Young. I told him nothing but truth and he granted me a benefit of trust in the matters of the knowledge depository," he said calmly and she could hear complacency dripping from his every word.

And to think she felt sorry for him not more than six hour ago! Asshole.

She wanted to say something more but at that moment the collar snapped to his temples and the electrodes bore into his flesh. Before the electro-impulse caused his throat to clench, he made a noise of pain. Eli forgot to warn him and Rush was unprepared. She could see a vein on his forehead swell with blood pressure.

She gathered her med kit and headed for the door.

"Hey!" Eli shouted, alarmed "Where are ya going? You're not gonna seriously leave him here?!"

"I don't give a fuck about what happens to him. You're on your own, boys!" she said, not turning back. She disappeared behind a corner, leaving a struggling Rush and panicked Eli behind.

***

He wasn't surprised when TJ stormed into his office. He was actually waiting for her.

"What the fuck, Everett?!" she said, her face angry and tired.

"TJ, calm down," he tried, knowing it wasn't what he was supposed to say.

"The hell I will! _'It's his call'_? Since when do you let Rush decide about anything?!" she stood in front of him, radiating fury. Young didn't want her to be angry but what was he supposed to tell her?

"Listen, TJ. We talked. He explained some things to me. Calmly, civilly. I promised not to say anything but… I understand him. Probably I would be doing the same thing if I was in his position. But it's not me, I'm kinda glad for that. Just… let him be."

Young dropped his gaze to the table, where his hands were laying folded together but before he did, Tamara saw something flash in his eyes. Something that looked suspiciously like guilt, mixed with something else. Grief? Whatever it was, it managed to calm her down. She sat opposite to him.

"Hey," she said. "Something's not right, you two are not telling me something. Everett, please," she looked at him with these pleading, big eyes of hers and he couldn't resist being pulled into their depth. He looked at her apologetically.

"Tam, I promised him not to spill. Just trust me. We'll get home and everything will be fine, I'll make sure of it."

"OK… But if these wounds of his won't get a proper treatment, there could be serious complications to his health. Ones I might not be able to fix," she said as her final attempt to make Young see reason.

"You won't have to worry about that," he answered. His voice was so dark and ominous. It sent chills down her spine. She stared at him and in this exact moment one sentence she overheard the previous night came to her mind:

_Every time I sit in that fucking chair I wonder if I'm going to make it and I fight with myself not to say: 'to hell, to hell with it all'._

_You won't have to worry about that._

Growing headaches.

Nosebleeds.

Dizzy spells.

It all made such perfect sense that it scared her.

"Oh God," she muttered and looked at Young. He stared right back, his face grim.

"The chair is killing him, isn't it?" she asked, feeling her stomach rising to her throat.

And she didn't see it earlier, didn't even think about it. Volker died because his head practically exploded. When general O'Neil got the Ancient knowledge downloaded into his head, it almost killed him as well. How could she be so mindless not to think of it?!

"Yes."

_When they go home, maybe at least they will remember that I helped to save their miserable lives._

When _they_ go home. Tamara felt sick.

"Oh God," she repeated. Young fumbled with his hands.

"We all want to go home," he said quietly and she looked at him, her eyes filled with tears "He wants to help. He knows the risk."

"And your letting him?" disbelieve was apparent in her voice.

"If this is the only way to save the rest of the crew…"

"There has to be another way!" she almost yelled "I don't want freedom for that price, for the price of someone dieing!"

"TJ…"

"No! You could try! You would, if it were anyone else! But him… It's the easiest way of getting everything you want. He gives us the possibility of going home and disappears from the picture. Is that it, Everett?!"

She was nearly hysterical at this point. They lied, they all lied, the fucking bastards! That, combined with guilty egoism of wanting to go home so badly, made all her grief caused, by the whole marooned-in-space ordeal made her sad and furious and unable to think straight. All the sadness which she was unable to release by silently crying into her pillow during the nights, welled inside her and overflowed… She needed someone to blame for all that and at the moment Rush just wasn't the right person.

She didn't know when Young stood and gathered her in his arms. Letting her cry for her lost faith. For all who lost their lives in the past weeks. He stroked her hair and kissed her temple. A gesture he shouldn't make and she shouldn't take but none of them could think about that at the moment.

"This is what he decided," Young murmured when her sobs subsided. "The only thing we can do is to be considerate and try to make it easier for him."

She nodded her head, sniffing.

"I know you two get along quite well," Everett said, still holding her in his arms. "I think it's good for him to have someone friendly around. You and Eli should keep an eye on him."

"Yeah," her voice was coarse from crying but she felt better. She needed strength. "Guess I should go check up on him, then. I sort of left in the middle of the transmitting procedure," he smiled at he and squeezed her shoulders one more time before letting her go. She smiled back and left.

As he stood alone in the middle of the room, he wondered if she knew just how accurate her accusations towards him were.

***

Eli was freaking out. They finished the procedure almost ten minutes ago and Rush still looked like crap. Eli tried snapping his fingers in front of the older man's face but the only reaction he got was a disoriented grunt. The Doc was pale, blood trickling down the sides of his face. TJ didn't even leave anything to wipe it with.

When not much changed, he decided to risk leaving him here long enough to fetch someone who could help him. He bumped into TJ in the doorway and heaved a sigh of relief.

"Oh, thank God!" he said. "For a moment I thought you were serious"

"I was. I just changed my mind," she muttered, walking straight up to the chair where Rush was making some futile attempts to straighten up. His eyes were scanning his surroundings, still unfocused. With move of a drunk man he moved his hand to his forehead, eyebrows meeting above his nose.

Tamara watched him for a moment. He was doing his best to focus his gaze.

"TJ, have you been crying?" Eli asked from the side, now happily degraded to the role of a spectator. "'Cuz I know you were right, there's no point in getting mad at them for ignoring you…"

"It's ok Eli. I overreacted," she said and felt that it was true. She didn't know why she reacted this hard to that. The ship life was apparently getting to her. TJ squatted before Rush and looked him in the eyes. His bleary gaze shifted to her face.

"Hey, Doctor Rush, I need you to focus," she said and his brows creased even more. He nodded his head once and it dropped slightly. "Hey, hey, stay awake," she said, grabbing his chin and made him look at her once more. "You have to stay awake for a while longer so we can get you to your quarters. Can you do that for me?"

He nodded and shifted his weight, probably to get up. He only managed shift in his seat and the momentum carried his upper body. He would have fallen if it wasn't for TJ moving in front of him. Nicholas's forehead rested on her collarbone and she felt him shudder.

"Naa t… naa tokh," he whispered and she felt confused. Then she remembered him referring to painkillers using that word together with some other one… she couldn't quite recall it now.

"Yes, I know it hurts. You'll feel better when you get some sleep," she answered gently and saw Eli eyeing them with an odd mixture of worry and confusion. She gestured for him to help her and together they hauled him up.

When they settled Rush in his bed and took off his shoes, TJ excused herself to go check upon her other patients, there was no point in staying with a sleeping man. She did so with a heavy heart.


	8. Communication

A/N: Hi guys :) Heh, lots of people are posting chapters on SGU, I guess I'm not that popular anymore ;) I'm updating anyway, I still feel the love :P There are four more chapters I have written down so far, after that the update rate might drop a bit since I'm back to university life after the winter break and some more work hours... Gawd, it really sucks to not have time for anything. I hope you'll be understanding. Please, let me know what you think of the chapter!

And enjoy :)

COMMUNICTATION (SESSION 4)

"Koth luuk apod yut."

"Ghaa! Fine, be that way if you want. I don't care!"

He was doing this on purpose, she was positive of it. Since Rush woke up from his almost comatose sleep after the neural-transmitting procedure, he was seemingly doing his best to drive her crazy, testing her resolve for staying by his side. He was annoying, grumpy and very, very quiet.

They quickly learned the reason. It seemed that at this point he was unable to put together a whole sentence in English. This came as a surprise to both sides, when he snapped at Eli with some gurgling sounding Ancient phrase that was probably a sarcastic insult. The Math boy stared at him with utter lack of comprehension and Rush realized his predicament. Only when Brody came to translate for him, were they able to learn that in his head it was all still meant to be English, only it came out as Ancient. Eli had a pretty good laugh about that.

It wouldn't bother anybody much, if it wasn't for one simple fact – Rush needed to consult. He suspected that the master code he was so intended on finding, was hidden in an equation. And that equation was hidden as well. In two days time he wrote down sixty pages of numbers and symbols that for TJ looked like a pure abstraction, without order or meaning. But from what she saw, it did make sense to both Rush and Eli. They tried to work separately but – as it was later explained to her by the younger mathematician, they were linked in a way, which they didn't work out yet and so – they needed to talk about it.

Brody was furious, too.

"I am not a goddamn translator! I have better things to do!" he said at some point and left the room, ignoring whatever Rush was saying to him. After that, it got more difficult.

Rush was getting irritated, fast. The lack of understanding people around him were showing was making him angry and depressed. Once, when she came to the control room to check on him, he stopped his work and asked her something in a gentle, pleading voice. There was no one else in the room and all she could do, was to helplessly shrug and tell him she didn't understand. His face grew dark and he went back to his work, ignoring her from then on.

After next two days – he refused to return the knowledge to the depository until they solve the mathematical problem and so it were already six days – they noticed that at some point he began to mock them. Unsurprisingly, it began with Colonel Young.

TJ was walking down a corridor when saw Eli near a corner, looking at a console he was holding in his hand. When he saw her, he put a finger to his lips and motioned her to come closer. He showed her the console, which had a screen on it with kino vision showing Young, standing with his back to the camera and Rush facing him. Young was telling Rush about some weird structures they found on a planet they were visiting now, wanting the scientist to run some extra tests. Rush was staring at Young with an odd, innocent face and his arms folded on his chest. Young seemed pissed.

"So, I just want you to goddamn nod your head so I know you'll do it" he said through his teeth.

"Young, n'kolatoosh sifut" he said, shrugging, his face a picture of fake confusion. Purposefully, his acting was really bad.

"Don't give me that shit… I know you can understand me! Just do it." And Young stomped off, fuming. Rush looked after him and then turned around, to stare right into the kino. He smirked, visibly pleased with himself.

TJ and Eli stared at him when he passed them in the corridor. He ignored them.

For a while, they had fun watching Rush whenever he decided to piss Young off. It stopped being amusing when he started playing them. Whenever TJ or Eli asked him something, he was shrugging his arms and making a comical face, repeating the same phrase which – what they learned from Riley – meant 'I can't answer to that'. And that is exactly what was pissing her off at the moment. Even thought she had her work – the new med bay still held many secrets from her that she was more than eager to solve – she took a break and came to the Control Room to check up on him, maybe talk him into some rest. Or at least food. But of course, mister I-Don't-Need-You was in one of his moods. He just needed to screw with her from time to time.

Eli, when he was leaving the room, warned her about his bitching. Why didn't she take him upon lunch offer, was beyond her. Still, as the Doc's self-appointed babysitter, she decided to look past his foolishness.

"Look," she said, taking a deep breath to calm herself down "If you won't let me help you, you could at least help _me,_" he spared a glance her way, his eyebrows raised in a mute question.

"The scanner could use some calibration. The portable consoles are not synchronizing with it. I asked Brody for help but he's still angry with me for using him as a live dictionary."

Rush rolled his eyes and tried to ignore her. She didn't give him the luxury. She came closer and poked him in the shoulder. He glared at her.

"C'mon, It'll only take a second," she said and he shook his head no. He started saying something but after half a sentence she interrupted him.

"Still can't understand you. Either you come with me or I keep pestering you."

He glanced at her and then at his notes, as if wondering if it's worth wasting his time for her. Finally he sighed in defeat but still didn't move. Instead he reached to the console to his left, grabbing… his iPod. But now it wasn't an ordinary iPod. Where the earphone plug-in should have been, there was another small device attached to a string of material, cable linking them about 2 inches long. Rush turned the iPod on and fumbled with something on the other device, then began strapping it to his neck, the material serving as a collar. He then fished in his pocket and took out a strange looking earpiece, which he gingerly handed to her. She stared at it and he made an irritated face. He took it out of her hand, turned it on with a tiny button and made a step in her direction. She stopped herself from taking a step back but flinched when he made a grab for her jaw. He hesitated for a moment, a flash of hurt going through his eyes but it was gone a moment later and he tried again. His hand felt rough on her jaw but he turned her head much more gently than she expected him to. He installed the receiver in her ear and she heard a quiet buzzing. The scientist moved back to his original position at the console.

"As I was saying…"

"Whoa!" TJ covered the earpiece with her hand, dumbfounded. She could hear him speaking in Ancient from where he was standing and, with a half second delay, muffled but understandable English in her earphone. It was an odd sensation and Tamara looked at him with big eyes. "Where did you get that from?!"

"Well, I made it, of course," was the answer in her ear, and after a small break: "Mister Brody was eager to help."

"Why didn't you tell us you had a translating device?"

"It wasn't tested yet," he answered, rubbing his forehead. "Lieutenant, could we get on with the scanner? I really need to get back to work so I can get rid of the knowledge and finally get some sleep." He then grabbed his notebook and put it in his vest pocket, looking at her expectantly. She moved and they left the Control Room together.

"Not getting much rest lately?" she asked, trying to sound casual.

"Not much," he answered but she still looked at him and he knew she will pull it out of him anyway. "The longer I keep the data, the stronger my insomnia becomes. My head's killing me, I ran out of painkillers yesterday." she nodded. She knew all that already, of course. She asked Eli to keep an eye on Rush for her.

"And the nightmares." She looked at him, surprised. "They get more and more real every night." TJ didn't think he would want to share that with her and she felt grateful. And, in some way special. Because he wants to talk to her. Even if it's because in the past few days he had no one near him to speak to, to share his theories and ideas and this is just a stress relieve mechanism. She felt guilty as well, that in the process of redeeming himself in their eyes, he's killing himself and so she wanted to ease him, just a bit. This was the kind of person Tamara Johansen is, she needed to feel that she's doing the right thing, even thought she knew it's more of egoistic righteousness sometimes than genuine concern. No one is perfect, she told herself, but at least she can turn it into some good-doing.

"Maybe they will go away when we're back on Earth?" she supplied an answer, not sure if it was to cheer him or rather herself up. His face took on a dark expression and he answered "Maybe." TJ saw the lack of hope in his eyes and decided to shut up – obviously that was the wrong thing to say to someone with no future. The rest of the way they spent in silence.

As soon as they walked into the med bay, Rush made his way to the Ancient machinery that was to be the medical scanner. It looked like a crossing between a sacrifice altar made of plastic and metal and a very old MRI. He circled it, then went to the side where a console with holo-screen was installed and tapped on the buttons. There was a 'beep' sound and the device came to life. The tube that was surrounding head of the cot trembled a bit and moved just a fraction in the direction of the other end of it. TJ handed Nicholas other, portable console and he started calibrating it. After about ten (very boring) minutes, he beckoned her to his side to show her how to set the parameters on the new, smaller screen. When she tapped what she knows was the 'start' button, the device shook, moved a few inches and… stopped without any apparent reason. Rush's brows draw together.

"Old piece of junk," he mutters and TJ is sure that if it was him speaking the English words, it would sound much more like a Scottish bar insult. He walked to the back of the structure again, contemplated it for a few seconds an, without a warning, inflicted a swift kick to a small box under the cot. The scanner came back to life and quickly scanned the empty cot.

TJ stared and his lip curled upwards just a notch.

"That's what you do to old pieces of junk," he stated. "When I was little, we had this old telly. You had to kick strong enough, otherwise it wouldn't work."

Tamara looks at him with confusion and he raises an eyebrow.

"What," she asked slowly, "In the name of God is a telly?" to her surprise, he smirks. He walks to her and past her, intending on leaving.

"I'm sure that if you go to the Isles, anyone there can tell you what a…" he stopped walking and talking at the same time, she could see him wane on his feet so she circled him.

Rush was looking at her with big, confused eyes, one hand reaching to his forehead. A small trickle of blood made its way from his nose to his chin and before Tamara knew what's going on, his face contorted and he fell to his knees, clutching his head. She paniced a bit, they were far away from the used part of the ship and she had no equipment or medications with her. She crouched besides him and called his name.

She was about to call for Park to bring her the med-kit over the radio but the Doctor grabbed her hand to stop her from reaching for the device. The attack seemed to be over and he leaned forward, now supporting his weight on his knees and elbows, pressing his forehead to the cold floor.

"What happened?" TJ asked, laying a gentle hand on his back as he slowly recovered.

"I'm not r-really sure," he answered and returned to a kneeling position. His voice was coarse and trembling. "It felt like someone was squeezing my brain."

"This is not good," Tamara said as she checked his pupils. They both grow pretty accustomed to her doing that by now. "The pressure is starting to affect you too much."

"Pressure?" he played dumb. And badly so.

"Yeah, the pressure that's blowing your skull up from the inside., she said cautiously as she fished for a handkerchief in her pocket. She started wiping the blood off his face and he swatted her hand away. Anger was surfacing in his eyes, his lips becoming a thin line.

"Young didn't tell me," she said and he threw her a 'yeah, right' look. "OK, so maybe he said one word too many. But I deduced it myself. So no fighting, he didn't break his promise. Doctor Rush, extracranial bleeding is never a good sign. I think you should lay off the neural-interface procedures for a while." He didn't burst with rage like she expected him to. On the contrary, he seemed to be ignoring the topic for now.

"No thank you. Stop hovering already," he said, annoyed and started getting up. "Your starting to get on my nerves."

"I think it's the headache's fault that you're all grumpy, not mine," TJ shot back and as she watched him walking to the door, an idea came to her mind.

"Doctor Rush, I still need your help," she said nonchalantly and he turned his head to look at her from the door. "I could use someone to test the thing on…"

"I'm not your test subject, Lieutenant. Nor am I your minion to your every whim. Isn't me trying to be polite towards you enough?" he spat and made a move to leave.

Tamara was suddenly overcome by anger. Here, she makes a kind gesture and he treats her like a nuisance, like she is nothing to him. When a realization that she probably is strike her, the anger became even greater. What right does he have to feel better than them? Just because he's a genius, or has God knows how many scientific titles or is known and respected in academic circles doesn't give him the right to treat people, normal people, like they're nothing. Like they have no feeling and can be dismissed without regret. Whereas, in fact, he is the one without feelings. A person who rid himself of any emotion other than bitter anger or unhealthy fascination. Suddenly she knew why the rest of the crew despises him. Not only understood, but knew, felt it in her heart and this feeling was like a betrayal to the promise of taking care of him. She tried to subdue the surge of hatred but managed only partially.

"You asshole," she spat venomously. "Here I am, trying to be gentle about the matter, to make you feel calm and not being too protective and this is how you treat me! Like I'm hurting you, or insulting you with my consideration!"

He turns back to face her an approaches with deadly purposefulness, glaring at her with narrowed eyes.

"You really don't understand, do you?" he said in a quiet, hissing voice, the Ancient coming from his mouth sounding strange with the Scottish accent she didn't hear in her earpiece "I know what's going on. I know I'm dying and you beating around the bush only makes it sound like it really matters!"

"Of course it matters, you moron!" she was now yelling, tears of anger and sadness filling her eyes. "We _want_ to help you! We _want_ to be there for you! You're saving our lives, this is the least we can do!"

"I don't care if you feel guilty! All I want," his hands were now flailing in front of him in an unconsciously theatrical manner, "is not to feel that you're pitying me, and that is what you're doing! You want to help? Stop being so chummy and instead be honest with me like I am with you!"

"FINE!" she yelled at the top of her lungs, her face inches away from his, anger jumping in sparks between their eyes. "I need to know! I need to be prepared for when I'll be stating another death!"

They stared at each other for a long moment, both their faces twisted with rage. With some amusement she noticed his nose scrunches in a funny way when he does that face. Finally, after what seemed like hours, he stepped backwards, straightening his posture.

"Fine," he said like nothing happened, calm and almost relaxed. "Let's get on with it then," and he moved to stand in front of the scanner, patiently waiting for her to compose herself. It took her a while but he just stood there, not tempering with the machinery, not setting anything on the console, completely unoccupied. It looked strange and she realized that it's unnatural, for Rush not to fidget, not to be doing something or on the move.

Tamara wiped her face with a sleeve and approached him, not really sure how to act towards him now. He solved the problem for her by laying on the scanner bed and waiting for her to set the scanning range. She set it on body scan with full head analysis. Rush closed his eyes and scratched his chin where a smudge of blood dried in his now re-grown bristle. The scan took about six minutes.

"I'll be using the chair today in the evening…" he said as a thin blue ray of the scanner passes his shoulders with the speed of a dying snail.

"I'll be there," she answered his unspoken question. They're ok. Even thought something shifted between them, none of them sure if it's a shift in a good or bad direction – but she will remain by his side. And when she saw his shoulders lose a fraction of the tension that was making him rigid, she knew it's the right decision. So far, she lived in her own illusion that there are better truths and worst truths. Now Rush wanted her to drop the conveyances and focus on only one of them – the real truth, without worrying that it might hurt someone, because it won't. And even if it will, this will also be a good thing – stimulating thing. And she felt relief herself, a spark of freedom in their marooned confine. Refreshing thought.

She looked at him and wondered if he knew that in some small way he just did her a favor.


	9. Of Life And Death

A/N: Ok, I had another slip with the update but here it is. And to be honest I was a bit disappointed that I only got 1 review. You got me so used to them I seriously miss it. And since this is still a language exercise for me, I need the feedback! Seriously, don't make me beg ;)

***

OF LIFE AND DEATH

They didn't finish solving their mathematic puzzle yet. Luckily, Eli somehow managed to persuade Rush to leave it to him – subtly suggesting that at the moment, it would be faster for him to work alone. And so, Rush returned the information to the depository and, slightly reluctantly, disappeared in his chamber to catch up on some much needed sleep.

TJ took a day off as well. At the moment, Park was responsible for running medical scanning on all the crew and so Tamara had nothing much to do, since most of the people injured during the attack were all right to be released.

Three days before she gathered her wits to go through Rush's scan results. She wasn't pleased. On one hand, the brain swelling wasn't as big as she worried it might be, it still didn't reach the life threat level. On the other, he was dehydrated, anemia was setting in and his blood pressure was going over the roof. That, at least partly, she was blaming on the attack he went through only a few minutes before the scanning but yesterday she decided that as soon as he wakes up, she'll be firm and make him eat at least a double portion of their yummy protein gruel, together with some of the nasty stuff Greer called 'sweet potatoes'.

In the morning, she felt like jogging so she left her jacket and heavy boots behind and, borrowing sneakers from Chloe, went for a run. As she was trekking down the corridor, she passed some other people and wondered, where are they headed to, what do they actually do with their spare time. There wasn't much to do around, after all. Even though Young and Wray were constantly working on keeping them busy and in shape, there was only so much they could do with the limited resources they had.

TJ turned into one of the further passageways of the ship and only her quick reflex allowed her to avoid collision with someone coming from the opposite direction. She stopped to catch her breath and noticed who the person she almost bumped into was.

His name was Jake, Jake Mayers. He was staying in the infirmary for two days because of a concussion. She had to put four stitches on his temple after the aliens attacked, he hit his head on a tabletop in the Mess Hall. He seemed nice and they chatted for a while, when she was working in the infirmary. He helped a little with the cleaning. Tamara knew he liked her and felt flattered.

"Hi there," she smiled brightly and he answered with the same "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Just went for a walk. To stretch my bones, the back's killing me," he's working with Wray, they're making files on the crew accommodations and are planning on efficient work assignments now, as Tamara remembered.

"The outer-space desk work, huh?" she joked. A lame joke but he laughed anyway.

"Listen, TJ," he said, a bit awkwardly. "It's Collin's birthday today, Jenkins and the others are throwing him a party. Maybe you'd like to, uh come with me?"

Tamara thought about it for a moment and then nodded her head. "Sure." His face brightened. He's a bit young, three years younger thank her, but she likes the guy. He's nice and he's treating her the way she was never treated by Everett – like she is the only person on his mind. Besides, a party sounds like a nice way of spending the evening. She felt that she needs to be with other people, someone else than the ones she's seeing constantly – Young, Chloe, Park, Eli and, of course, Rush.

"Ok, I'll pick you up at seven?" he asked, she nodded and told him where her quarters are, and after a moment she's jogging her way back. She needs to ask Chloe if she can borrow something nice to wear.

***

She was ditting with the mug in her hand and watching people around her. Jake was standing on the other end of the room but kept throwing her looks and smiles. He's standing with some other guys and she knew that at some point they were talking about her. She didn't mind. Eli was dancing with Chloe, obviously happy that Scott couldn't come. She was sorry for the fellow, Chloe didn't seem to realize the extend of Math Boy's feelings towards her. They'll work things out, she thought. One way or another. Eli was a good kid – even though he's not much younger than she is, they all still see him as a kid – he'll fight for her and TJ is keeping her fingers crossed for him.

The party didn't last long. There was no booze and they don't have a lot of good music. And even though it seems special, they all see each other every day and there's no thrill in their celebration. It seemed forced but they try to enjoy it anyway. They wouldn't have anything else to feel special about otherwise.

Jake walked her to her door and they stood there for a moment. Then he is kissing her and Tamara thinks: why not. Still kissing, they stumble into her room.

***

Nicholas looked at her when she entered the Chair Room. She looked content, her eyes bright and he knew she had a good time yesterday. Good, she won't whine too much. But there's also a part of him that feels good about her being happy. He didn't see many happy people these days. Not that it should matter. Long ago, he decided not to care about that. And yet, since there were people that didn't actually _mind_ being around him, he noticed that he was more willing to make their life bearable and not only for the sake of peace.

He remembered the times, when everything was different. When he was different. Not as bitter, not as sarcastic, not as engrossed in his work as he was now. They had friends that cared and so he had people to care about as well. And Gloria, of course. Since she was gone, he was slowly distancing himself from all that. He didn't need their pity, he didn't need to hear them say how sorry they were, if they could do something for him, no it's fine, thank you. He just needed something to do. To take his mind off certain things. And since he _was_ a genius, it wasn't easy to occupy his thoughts. He wondered if all workaholics are pushed by the same reasons.

Lieutenant Johansen came closer to where he was already seated in the chair and while she was taking his dressings off, she exchanged a few words with Eli. He listened in silence as they talk about Collin's (the accountant? Yes, that must be him) birthday party. His thoughts slowly drift to other matters, things he still needs to do.

"How do you feel today, Doctor Rush?" the question is unexpected as it pulls him out of his revive.

"Fine," he responded automatically, not mentioning his pounding head and nausea. And aching back, for that matter – his chair in the Control room was definitely not the most comfortable one he's been using. "I feel quite hopeful, actually. I will acquire another set of mathematical data and hopefully, we will be able to solve the master code puzzle."

"That's a good news," she said and he knew the words have double meaning – hope for them and rest for him. And, with some luck, no one dieing.

"Yeah," he didn't care. He's content about the situation in some weird way.

"I can't wait to go back home," Eli said from where he's standing behind the control panel "I'm gonna eat everything that gets in my reach until I puke. I'm sick of the shit they're feeding us. What are ya gonna do, guys?"

TJ throws Nicholas a quick glance but then smiles to Eli and says dreamily:

"I'll take a bath. A fancy one, with bubbles and oils and stuff. And, like, and hour long. Or maybe I'll just hit the SPA," she laughed.

"What about you, Doc?" Eli asked, innocent bastard. TJ's eyes look worriedly in his direction but he just sighs and says:

"I'll go to a bookstore and buy the newest book there is. Whatever kind, it needs to be published within last month," Eli laughed and started blabbering about some comic book he was waiting for to come out and never got the chance to buy it and Nicholas saw that his small lie was accepted happily. He looked at lieutenant Johansen but her face was unreadable, at least for him. He's not good with reading people.

When he told Eli that he's ready to begin, he didn't really feel that. Fear washed over him, like it did every time. Nicholas knew that he is not a brave man but still got angry when Johansen looked at him with regret, like it's her fault that he does what he does. It was, in some small way but she didn't have to feel bad for that. Again, he flinched when the clasps snap to his limbs, like he did every time. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself. When he couldn't do that last time, get prepared, he felt like his brain was going to melt. He didn't want it to be that way this time and so he breathed until he heard the collar move to his temples.

Then came the pain. Like a shot of white light, it surged through his skull and his veins and every fiber of his being. His throat closed and he couldn't breathe anymore, couldn't scream, couldn't exist. It came to a point, where he didn't feel anything anymore, there was just the light and he saw it, for a short moment he could embrace the whole knowledge that was stored in the depository and he could see all the connections and he felt that if he only knew how, he could become one with Destiny's systems and take full control. But then it faded and only some of it stayed in his mind. It felt weird. Not like forgetting. With forgetting you can always hope to remember and here… it was like learning, only backwards. Since the first time, Nicholas hated it, even more than the pain. He felt like the chair was robbing him of what was righteously his.

And then it all stopped suddenly and he felt his body being released and falling forward. Something warm stopped his fall but for a moment he didn't know what it was. For this one terrible moment he didn't know where he was, or who he was, only that he was. That much he felt, the pain made him remember that. And it was that dreadful feeling that brought him to his senses. His brain felt like it's wrapped with barber wire very, very tightly. He grimaced, now that he remembered how to do it and made a small noise of pain. It was muffled by the shoulder his face is buried in.

"C'mon, let's get you to bed," he heard a gentle, feminine voice and he complied, releasing his death grip on TJ's forearm. He didn't even know he was holding on to her but she didn't seem to mind. In a way he was grateful for her knowing about his impending death. It allows him to do stupid things like clinging to her in moments like this.

She helped him get to his feet and Eli took his other arm. They led him to his room and he felt his stomach lurch violently. He needed to swallow the bile rising to his throat.

"Just breathe," her voice was calm and soothing. He felt patronized but in the state he was now he didn't feel offended. He did what she said.

When he was deposited in his bed, nothing else – Eli, TJ, Destiny, the knowledge he now possessed – mattered anymore. He wanted to sleep and so he did.

***

The Mess Hall was full of people but Jake found them two vacant chairs. They ate the dreadful stuff Becker was serving them and chatted about how their day has passed.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" she heard and turned around to see Eli climbing on one of the tables. Rush was watching him tiredly form the shadow of the entryway. "WE HAVE THE MASTER CODE!"

For a moment no one reacted, the revelation slowly registering in their minds.

And then all hell broke loose.

People were shouting and cheering, hugging and laughing. A group of men swept Eli off the table and carried him to the center of the room on their shoulders. He laughed with them, listening to praises and thanks. TJ found herself in Jake's arms and being kissed by him, she returned it with joy. They were one step closer to going home and nothing could stop them from celebrating.

She was standing with a group of soldiers when she heard Greer saying loudly:

"Hey, Rush, where do you think you're going?" she looked to the door and saw Rush retreating slowly but stopping when his name was called. "You're the star of the evening, c'mere!" The bigger man circled him and pushes the scientist towards the middle of the room with a shove. Even though Greer tried in his own way to act friendly, Rush looked at him with hostility. His face was pale and he looked irritated.

He said something in Ancient and Dr Raynolds, who was standing nearest to him answered:

"C'mon, Doctor Rush, you can take an hour break. You can't work all the time!" TJ noticed that he had the translator on his neck (Eli was given the second earpiece so they could talk freely while working) and TJ put her receiver on just in time to hear him say:

"Well, if you want to have anything to be happy about, I _do_ need to go back to work."

TJ looked at him carefully. There was sweat on his forehead and he was swaying on his feet. He made a move to leave, only to be stopped by Raynolds's hand on his arm.

"Doctor Rush…"

"I said I need to go!" he spat venomously and the poor woman moved away, taken aback by his sudden anger. TJ on the other hand noticed a flash of panic in Rush's eyes. She knew what was coming and she moved in his direction.

Just as in the Med Bay and two other times in the last four days, the attack came in a flash. One moment Rush was looking at Raynolds angrily and the other he was grabbing for the tabletop with one hand, on his way to the ground, the other clutching at his forehead.

No one except her moved to help him, they all stared in silent horror.

TJ was by his side momentarily. She kneeled and put a hand on his back. There was nothing she could do to help, except for being there for him, murmuring soothing words. She felt detached as she watched blood dripping form his nose and ears. She remained calm so he could focus on it when the sudden pain surge would pass.

"It's ok, just breathe. It's gonna be ok," she kept repeating in a monotone, gentle voice and looked around. Young was standing in front of them, his face grim. She held his gaze for a moment. Everyone was staring.

She felt Rush's back relax a bit as he slumped slightly, breathing raggedly.

"Ok, on your feet, c'mon," she said, helping him up. Eli made a move to help but she shook her head. "It's ok, we'll manage," she said and supported Rush as he staggered to the door, stepping into his own blood on the way.

When they came to the infirmary, Rush was already back to the state he was in before the attack – tired and grumpy. She led him to a cot and he laid on it without a word, covering his eyes with one arm. TJ prepared a small dose morphine shot – she knew his head was unbearably painful at the moment and he surely had cramps in his arms.

"That's just perfect," he muttered as she rolled his sleeve up. "Just what I needed, for the whole bloody crew to see this."

"What's done is done, nothing much you can do about it. God, you look awful," she answered.

"Just what I wanted to hear, cheers," he muttered bitterly.

"Any time," she said, not fazed by his sarcasm. She wet a cloth and shoved his arm aside. "You're bleeding on the sleeve," then she started to wipe his face with the cloth. Strangely, he didn't object and this is how Eli found them when he entered a minute later.

"Uh…" he hesitated in the doorway, his face worried but awkward. "Am I, like, interrupting something?" Rush ignored the question but stopped her ministrations and took the cloth from her fingers, sitting with his legs dangling off the side of the cot.

Seeing that none of them reacted to his lame joke, he came closer to where Rush was now seated, trying to wipe the rest of the blood from his chin "Are you ok, Doc?" he asked tentatively. "Everyone's pretty worried about you…" Rush snorted with disbelieving amusement but said that he's ok. "You sure? What happened in there? Young mentioned something about the neural-interface device but I think he was making things up as he went 'cuz no one really got what it was all about."

Rush sighed and both Eli and TJ could almost see wheels turning in his head. It was a difficult decision for him to make, TJ knew, to tell Eli about what was going on and she hoped that the Doc won't try to lie his way out of it. It would break the boy's heart, to find out too late.

"Eli…" Rush begun, his voice heavy. "It's… nothing. It's just…" TJ couldn't believe what she was hearing. She purposefully dropped a mug of water she was holding.

"Damn," she cursed. "Eli, could you bring me some water, please?"

Eli looked at her skeptically.

"I know what you're doing," he said, offense apparent on his face. "Get rid of the kid for a moment, the grow-ups need to talk. My mom used to do that all the time. Don't worry, I'll leave you two alone," with that, he disappeared behind the corner.

"What the hell?!" TJ spat at Rush, "Why would you want to lie to him about that?!"

"He doesn't need to know. I know what I'm doing," Rush answered grimly.

"You fucking egoist! Do you _ever_ stop to think for a moment about what others might feel?! You'll break his heart!"

"That's ridiculous," he answered with a frown, not looking at her.

"You're his mentor! He follows you like a puppy! Do you seriously think your death won't affect him?!" she stood in front of him, pointing an accusing finger at his face. "He deserves to know!"

"See, this is your problem!" he snarled, his face twisting in sudden anger. "You don't see the whole picture. Yes, perhaps he deserves to know. But don't you understand that I only want to spare him some pain?! I wish someone did that for me! If only I wouldn't know since the beginning that Gloria had cancer, that she has less than a year left, maybe we would spend more time happily. I wouldn't look at her every morning noticing only the weight loss, the pain in her moves, how she's wasting away bit by bit! I wouldn't make her last months unbearable with my constant worrying and fussing!"

He was now standing, his hands emphasizing the speech with flailing gestures. His face was a picture of pain and anger, snarl gracing his lips and eyes even darker than they normally were.

" So don't lecture me about heartbreaking, just let the kid enjoy the thought he's going home, to his mother, instead of worrying over my health. Him hating me after I pass won't hurt as much as looking at me every day! It's enough that he has that at home all the time!"

He looked at her for a moment and then relaxed his tensed arms a bit. TJ stared at him, wide-eyed. She could pinpoint the moment, when his face became expressionless once again, his eyes turning dull and guarded. Effectively shutting her off.

"When I say I know what I'm doing, then it means I know what I'm doing," he said silently and left, leaving the bloodied cloth he's been wiping his face with on a table near the doorway. Tamara didn't turn around to watch him go.

***

The screen became lifeless as Eli turned the kino off. He stared at the black monitor of his portable console for a moment longer. He didn't know how to react to what he just heard.


	10. Ghosts of the Past

A/N: Hey, here's another one for you guys, on time for a change ;) Thank you for the wonderful reviews, I feel much better when I get them every time ;) I'm sorry if I haven't answered some of them, I had some confusion with my e-mail and couldn't determinate which ones I already answered :( Just so you know – I appreciate ALL of them, you're all great! ^^

This is actually my favorite chapter so far, I'm not really sure why. Let me know what you think ;)

***

GHOSTS OF THE PAST

_He stared in the face of a S'hottoss interrogator and wondered half coherently how they feed since they have no mouth. A ridiculous__ reflection, considering the situation. He tried to form a meaningful thought to explain, to make them stop asking questions that were slicing into his brain like knives, making him numb and disoriented. The interrogator was becoming impatient and Nicholas's fear was washed away with a wave of foreign anger that invaded his mind. _

_He was freezing. Their temperature tolerance range was much lower than human's and so Nicholas was shivering in the scouting attire he borrowed from one of the soldiers back on Destiny. _

Answer.

Die otherwise.

_He winced as the interrogator repeated his previous question: _When will his spaceship leave their Galaxy?_ He tried to focus and imagined all the equations he was working on, containing travel length algorithm. _

FASTER!

_He hated it when the S'hottoss leader was communicating with him. Where the interrogator's mind was calm and well controlled – that's why he was chosen to speak with the fragile human that didn't know how to use his mind properly – the leader's thoughts were like a storm descending upon him. Not only did it hurt, it frightened him to the core, awakened the most primal instincts that he stifled with greatest effort, bowing deeply instead. He learned the hard way what happened when you do not bow when the leader speaks. He thought of his hope, that maybe if they helped, Destiny would be gone sooner…_

_This only angered the leader. He was about to crush upon his mind with the wild wrath of his thoughts…_

A soft feminine voice woke him, making him gasp with relief.

***

TJ spotted him on the Observation Deck, sprawled on a table in the corner as she was coming back from her date with Jake. His hands were serving as a pillow for his head, shaggy hair half covering his face. There were papers scattered around him and a laptop in power-save mode was humming silently in front of Rush's sleeping form.

He was dreaming, a nightmare from what she could see. He was frowning and twitching from time to time. Not resting even in his sleep. She felt sorry for him.

Silently, she came to his side and heard a pathetic whimper coming from his mouth. She laid a hand on his shoulder and shook him gently.

"Hey, wake up," she said but he didn't react. A bit louder, she repeated: "Nicholas, wake up." She wasn't sure why she used his first name. Perhaps she believed that one should be gentle and kind when waking someone from a nightmare, not to bring him into equally unpleasant reality. As a kid, she hated how her sister used to shake her roughly and whine about her squirming or being loud. Not comforting at all.

He bolted upright and sagged momentarily, heaving a sigh. He rubbed his eyes with one hand.

"A nightmare, huh?" TJ asked, not removing her palm from his shoulder.

"I think so," he answers sleepily. She could tell he was not fully conscious yet. "You know I rarely remember my dreams. I must've dozed off while working," he muttered, his accent well pronounced. Then, to her utter surprise he reached to her hand with his free one – the one that was not rubbing at his face – and tentatively took hold of her fingers.

"I'm sorry I woke you, love. Go back to bed, I'll be there is a sec," he said and put the most gentle of kisses on the back of her hand. Tamara stared at him, shocked. She had no idea how to react to _that_.

"Uh…" she managed to utter and this sound seemed to have an effect on him. His eyes snapped open and his head spun in her direction suddenly. He eyed her for a millisecond and moved away from her hand as if it was burning his flesh.

"Lieutenant Johansen," he uttered, his face going white for a moment and then heat rose to his cheeks. "I… uh…" he stuttered, rising from his chair and distancing himself physically from her, standing at the other end of the table. She kept on staring.

"I'm terribly, terribly sorry for that," he muttered awkwardly. "For a moment there I, uh, mistook you for someone else," pain flashed in his eyes, the grief that she's already seen there and suddenly TJ came to a realization.

_He thought it was Gloria._

She was speechless. What did you say to man who mistook you with his dead wife?

"This is beyond embarrassing," he said, frantically gathering his papers. He looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him then and there and maybe this ridiculously childish behavior, completely unnatural for the normally stoic, level-headed scientist, made her react.

"Doctor Rush," she said gently, making a step towards him. "I'm so very, _very_ sorry."

Rush raised his eyes and pierced her with his gaze. For a brief moment, it seemed almost hostile, as if she offended him by saying that but then his whole posture sagged and he looked down, face a picture of sadness and regret. He walked to the middle of the room and slumped to the bench that was placed there. He leaned his elbows on his knees and rubbed at his face again. After a brief moment of hesitation, Tamara sat next to him and looked out to the space unfolding in front of the Destiny. He looked like he needed the presence of another living being right about now, and she was willing to be there.

"Sometimes when I wake up," he said quietly, surprising her completely, "I wonder why she's not in bed. Sometimes I turn around to ask her something but she's not there. And then I remember that she's gone. Back on Earth, I had to sell our house, I kept hearing her bustling about in the kitchen or brushing her teeth in the bathroom. I had to do something, or else I would go insane."

TJ listens silently. She heard him talking about death before but never like that. Previously, he was moralizing, delivering airy lectures or consoling someone in a strange, unnatural way. But here, he was speaking openly about his pain, about things so intimate, she felt she shouldn't be the one hearing them. And yet she did, a sense of pride swelling in her chest. Doctor Rush chose her to confide in.

"That's what got me to go working for the Stargate Command three years ago," he continues. "First, I just wanted to get away and they needed scientists to work in a top secret base away from everything. So I became the Ancients expert for them. They were pleased with my detachment, nothing held me on Earth when I was leaving for Icarus Base. Then, I already knew about so many astonishing, amazing things that it was too easy to drown in work on making things better for human kind… And then my dream came true and I came here, to my Destiny."

TJ heard him refer to Destiny as 'his' before. She wondered, if – before he became stranded on the rocky planet – he ever wanted to go back to Earth, even if they made it back. This ship, after all, was his dream – his life.

"What brought _you_ to Icarus Base?" Rush asked suddenly, surprising her again. This was probably the first question about her life he asked since she known him.

"Actually, I followed Colonel Young," she answered, deciding that since he wants to talk, she might as well go along with it. That was only fair. "We… have a past together," she said uncomfortably. She never talked to anyone about their affair.

"Yes, that was kind of obvious at one point," he said but without sarcasm. "He is a married man, as I recall," he added cautiously, trying to sound casual.

"Yeah," she answered and she couldn't stop some bitterness from entering her voice. "He decided that he wants to stay that way, too."

Rush looked at her with serious eyes.

"A difficult situation to be in at such young age," he remarks.

"Yeah, well, shit happens," TJ answered and he nodded his head, He's not pushing, not asking anymore but she felt like he opened some dark door inside her soul and suddenly she finds herself pouring her regrets and anger out in front of him.

"I just can't understand one thing. Did he even for a moment think about how I felt with all that? Did he think that if he comes to me one day and says: 'I decided to save my marriage, sorry for that' everything will be ok? He wasn't the one crying his eyes out after a jerk that throws love away like garbage when it becomes inconvenient. He just smiles politely and acts like there was nothing between us. I thought that men become wiser with age. Bullshit! They just become stupid old jerks! That's what he is, a stupid old jerk, the fucker!"

She stopped herself as she heard a quiet chuckle next to herself. She looked at Rush with confusion. "What?" she asked, not comprehending his sudden merriment.

"You _do_ realize that I'm two years older than Young, don't you?" he asked, a small smile gracing his lips. "I can understand you calling men stupid but I don't actually feel very old."

TJ felt embarrassed and she muttered a nervous 'sorry' but he continued to smile at her and she relaxed. He looked much better when he's not frowning and she felt content that she was the one to make him feel comfortable enough not to do that.

"I'm really happy that you won't be using the chair anymore," she said suddenly, not sure why. Maybe because she really did. Now, here, Tamara felt good just talking to him. And somewhere deep inside, she felt that if they got home without him, it wouldn't be a full success.

Rush's face softened, he gazed at her with something she couldn't name – perhaps gratitude, or maybe this was simply the way he was looking at people when they were kind to him – she wouldn't really know.

"Yes," he said noncommittally. There was a tiny note of regret in his voice and Tamara knew that he wasn't all that happy with that.

The scientist in him was mourning the loss. Yes, they had full access to everything, every system, every database of the ship. But how could he explain to this girl what it felt like when Ancient knowledge, the legacy of one of the greatest races in history, was surging through his mind? All the suffering, the pain that became his constant companion, the nausea and consciousness losses – it was all more than worth it. He would gladly give his life away for the opportunity of experience that incredible feeling that all this was his to use. Unfortunately, Young demonstrated unusual foresight and sealed off the Chair Room, stating that coming near the wretched device was no longer necessary and, effective immediately, strictly forbidden. Just to ensure safety, he posted a guard in front of the door. Rush was cursing the Colonel ever since.

TJ and Rush sat in comfortable silence. The evening – night actually – was peaceful and they enjoyed sharing the quiet moment together. They would probably be sitting like that far longer, if it wasn't for both their radios resound with Colonel Young's voice.

"Rush, where are you?" he asked. The Doctor sighed and reached for the device.

"What is it?" he asked instead of answering the question. He was back to his usual, detached self, maybe sounding a bit irritated.

"Brody found something, I think you need to see this."

Rush and TJ looked at each other and he stood up – with some effort, she noticed.

"I'm on my way," he said to the radio and gathered his belongings from the table. He then turned to look at TJ and smiled gently.

"Thank you for a pleasant talk, Tamara." And with that he was off, leaving her behind. She followed him with her gaze and said quietly:

"You too, Nicholas."


	11. Decision

A/N: Hi guys, it's me again :P Thank you for all the wonderful reviews for the last chapter, they warmed my heart, as usual :)

Here, I would like to officially thank Lilandriel (which I already did privately many times :P) for beta-ing this chapter. She's the. Best. Beta. EVER!

There might be a slight delay with updating from now on, I have loads of college projects and some extra work at… well… work, and my boyfriend bought me a WoW pre-paid as a token of his undying love, which might be a significant obstacle in my writing process :P Please bear with me. Also, some virtual cookies in the shape of nice reviews would help *wink*

Enjoy!

DECISION

Coming into the Control Room, Rush spotted Brody, Park and Eli standing in front of a console, Young and Scott right next to them. He wondered for a second why Wray wasn't here, since this seemed like a bigger meeting.

"This is, like, the awesomest news ever!" Eli exclaimed, still not aware of Rush's presence.

"It's 'most awesome', not 'awesomest'," Rush commented, making his way to the console. Eli, hearing and unexpected voice behind his back, jumped and spun in his direction. For some reason, when he saw who it was, his face fell and he stepped aside silently. The Doctor eyed him suspiciously but shifted his focus to the console and holo-screen in front of him. He started reading. The rest of the group watched him in anticipation.

"Interesting," he said finally.

"Interesting?!" Eli exclaimed, his face disbelieving. "This is through the roof! There's a Supergate out there and all you have to say is' interesting'?!"

"The Supergate is a great news, Eli," Rush said in a calm, yet irritated voice. "What I meant is that it's interesting that in your excitement you fail to notice some important issues."

"What do you mean?" Young asked and Rush turned in his direction, arms tensing a fraction.

"The Supergate is seven hundred light years away from our location, more or less. We still don't know if the sub-space drive is fully operational, until we run a full diagnostics it would be very unwise to try using it. Seeing as we are currently moving with approximate speed of light, it would take us seven hundred years to get there without the sub-space jump."

"We'll just have to make the drive our main priority and make it operational, then," Young said and Rush looked at him as if he suddenly developed a mental illness.

"Do you realize, colonel," he said quietly, "That for full diagnostics, not to mention any repairs, we'll need a radioactivity-resistant spacesuit? Something which we are currently not in possession of."

"The suits that we have…" Young began, but was rudely interrupted by the doctor.

"The suits that we have are not suitable for this kind of job, subjecting them to the kind of radiation the sub-space drive core is emitting would mean not only damaging the suit itself, but also a very slow and painful death for the user. We might… just _might,_ be able to adjust them but it will take time."

"Very well, this is the best option we have at the moment."

"Yes; there's also the aliens," Rush said, sounding almost casual. He went back to the console.

"What goddamn aliens?" Young barked, anger rising in him at the thought that Rush is again ruining their triumph moment. Oh, he knew that the Doctor was right. It's just that he was so annoyingly know-it-all about it that it was pissing Everett off.

"If any of you focused on actually reading all the data, instead of jumping to celebrating, you might have noticed that the Supergate is located near the region of the galaxy I marked as ruled by the Kiekst'Raath. And that's a non-adjustable problem."

"Do you think they might be a problem?"

"I think no one appreciates unannounced guests, especially when the hosts are fugitives and thieves."

"What do you suggest then?"

"Since when do you require my opinion on matters like that?" Rush asked bitterly, glaring at Young darkly. The colonel sighed with frustration.

"Just… tell me what you think. I don't have time for your bullshit." They eyed one another for another moment, the rest of the small group watching them silently, not wanting the attention shifting to any one of them. Finally, after what seemed like hours, Rush said:

"I think that this will be a significant obstacle. We only have three operative cannons at the moment, and the Bridge was too badly damaged to even try getting there. And since the electromagnetic storm fried the mainframe there, the only option left is to manually operate the weapons. And that mostly consists of writing commands on the consoles, which makes any accurate aiming practically impossible.

"Even assuming that we would somehow manage to survive long enough to get to the Supergate, there is the problem of dialing. A Supergate, as we know, uses a black hole as its power source. From what I gathered, this one has its own energy generator which we know nothing about. I'm fairly certain that in the heat of the battle, we might not be able to engage the dialing sequence in time to save us. As far as I know, Destiny must have a protocol for that but as we weren't able to find the emergency protocols files, we have to assume they were somehow damaged or are inaccessible with the clearance level the control hub here has.

"As for my opinion, I would focus on the most pressing matter – the sub-space drive. This will be the hardest part. I highly doubt that we will be able to adjust the spacesuits, especially given that we weren't even able to fix the one Scott broke on the ice planet," he hesitated. "Destiny had a repair system but it's… unavailable now."

"Broken?" Young asked. So far he was listening intently and he could see that things were indeed serious issues. Still, they were getting considerably closer to getting home and he sure as hell wasn't going to give up now.

Rush said nothing, only looked down at his shoes, pocketing his hands.

"Accessible only through the neural-interface," said Brody, not realizing what that meant. Rush, from the corner of his eye noticed Eli's face scrunching in a frown and felt uneasy, but decided to put it off for later. Brody kept on talking: "And since you sealed it of, Rush can't use it. Actually, why didn't you mention that all these problems are easily solved with help of the chair, Rush?"

Young pierced Rush with his gaze. This was definitely one of these awkwardly difficult moments.

"Rush, I think we need to talk in private," he said quietly. Rush cast a fleeting look at him but turned his gaze away a second later. He only nodded his head and moved to the door. Young looked at the rest of them.

"For now, do not let this information leave this room. I don't want to give people false hope. Wray especially shouldn't hear about it yet," he said and followed Rush.

The moment he disappeared behind the corner, Eli punched Brody in the arm, as hard as he could. "You moron!" he said angrily. "You couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?"

"What? What did I do?" Brody asked, confused.

"Don't you get it? Rush had a reason for not saying anything about the chair!" Eli quickly realized he should probably stop talking, otherwise he might say something he shouldn't. Something like '_Hey, the lead scientist is killing himself for our safety.' _Not a good idea.

"Yeah, he probably had a pretty good reason to lie to Young, he's good at reasoning. We all know he doesn't want to leave the ship but seriously, does he think he's gonna stop us from going home if he does that?"

Eli sighed with exasperation.

"He didn't lie. He omitted the truth. And besides, I've got better things to do than fighting with you." With that, he left. When he made sure no one was going after him, he almost run to the kino station where all his equipment was installed. He sat down in front of his console and started typing as fast as he could. Soon, he had a connection re-established with the kino he gave to the colonel that served as a captain's log. He knew he had promised to make it absolutely independent, but for some reason – maybe the same one which made him distrustful of the colonel – he had left an emergency link in place that could be reactivated if there was need. Now Eli congratulated himself for the foresight.

The kino was laying on a tabletop, half-covered with something that might have been a jacket. Even though it didn't catch the whole room, the sound was coming in pretty well. He got a glimpse of colonel Young as the man moved from one side of the room to the other. Rush was standing by the door, arms folded across his chest and eyes cast downwards. He seemed tensd and uneasy, as he always did when he was around the colonel. Eli realized that this was the first time since Rush came back onboard, that the two men were alone.

"Rush," Young began slowly, "I can't force you to do anything, but…" he went silent again, as if not sure what to say. Rush didn't say anything. "These people are counting on us to get them home. We could turn Destiny around or even try to go for the Supergate but I think we both realize it would be futile. I don't want to ask you to make an honorable sacrifice; I _especially_ am not the right person to be asking that. So if you have any other idea that doesn't involve you using that thing, I'll gladly hear it."

He waited and after a moment Rush looked at him from under his brows. His face looked tired, shadows looming on it that weren't there when he came into the Control Room earlier that evening. His eyes were expressing hopeless resignation and from that one look both Eli and Young could read his answer. Either way, he took off his glasses with a slow move and rubbed at his face with one hand.

"To be honest, I wish there would be another solution that would be comparably efficient but there is none. Brody is right. All these problems I can easily solve single-handedly with help from the neural-interface, whereas taking care of them without assistance from Destiny's systems would not only require the participation of many, many crewmembers, but would probably cause more than one death."

He sighed heavily and moved, sitting in a chair next to Young's desk, where Eli had much better view of the scientist's face. It made him even more anxious when he saw Rush's features become expressionless, closed off. A defense mechanism he was using more and more often since they got him back. Eli was not a psychological genius but he knew these things are not a sign of good mental health.

"Until we acquired the master code, using the neural interface held meaning to me." Rush spoke quietly, not looking at Young who was standing few feet away, seeming surprised at Rush's sudden openness. "It gave me knowledge, understanding. Things that are my driving force. For knowledge, I'm willing to go far, to risk much. But this," he made a vague gesture with his hand, "holds no meaning for me. Gives me nothing. Only takes away from me."

"It would save many lives. Doesn't _that_ hold any meaning? Damn it, Rush; I know you're a heartless bastard, but this must have _some_ importance to you. These are our people. Whether anyone likes it or not, you're an important part of their lives at the moment and they depend on you. Now probably even more than they depend on me, or Wray, or anyone else."

"I know," Rush said.

"So why do you hesitate? There is a chance you're going to survive this…"

"No, there isn't," Rush looked at the Colonel with irritation. "My brain is already strained. With the time it'll require of me to spend using the interface, it would be impossible for me to withstand the pressure that will build. I'm not even sure I'll be able to finish the tasks."

He returned to his previous position, eyes boring into the desk surface.

"Still, I've decided to do it."

Eli didn't know how to feel about the decision. It was obvious that Rush was reluctant to go along with the suicidal procedure and the younger man felt almost personally responsible for the decision he was making. But he also felt a twinge of joy, which only made him feel more guilty. Joy for going back to his life, to his mom, to everything he knew and an existence that didn't try to harm him with every step.

"Rush…" Young said, making a step in the scientists' direction but the other man raised his hand and smiled sadly.

"Don't. I might still change my mind," he said and stood up. He looked worn and tired; he was almost swaying on his feet. Young only nodded his head.

"I'll have to use the stones, I need to talk to someone." Rush said and Colonel again confirmed silently. To Eli, this request sounded more final than anything he heard so far. Since they had arrived, Rush had used the stones only once, to communicate with General O'Neill. Was he going to say goodbye to whomever he had back on Earth? Eli realized that if Rush was saying his goodbyes, he seriously believed he wasn't going to make it. Even before, when he was using the chair and he knew it might kill him, he hadn't deemed it necessary to tie up loose ends. Eli felt like he was losing something very important. And even though he had felt offended when he had listened in on TJ calling him a puppy following Rush all the time, he now felt that he was indeed loosing a mentor, someone who taught him more than any professor at MIT, or indeed any other man. Someone who opened a wonderful, incredible world to him, gave him a chance to see things only a few people had ever seen, made him take different approaches, consider new perspectives…

He didn't know what to do. He needed to talk to someone but didn't know who to go to. Chloe shouldn't know about these things, she might tell someone she shouldn't. Besides, she hadn't gotten over her dislike of the Doc, so how would she be able to relate to that? Scott was busy at the moment with his own problems, whatever they were. The only reasonable choice in that situation would be TJ; she knew about Rush's health problems and cared for his wellbeing. Eli hesitated. She and Rush had been getting pretty close recently, he even had a disturbing suspicion there was something between them, even though TJ was dating this other guy, what's his name… Jim? Jake? Whatever. The point is she would probably freak out and do something stupid, girls are like that no matter what age. He would probably end up trying to stop her from crying or, worse, from talking to Young or Rush.

No way in hell he's gonna go to her. Nuh-uh.

***

"TJ?"

"Oh, hi Eli. What's up?" she said turning in his direction with a smile on her face. He wondered for the hundredth time what happened in the last fifteen minutes that made him come here.

The Medical Bay was quiet, no one except them was there. Not much was going on recently and now TJ was mostly spending her time here, figuring out how various instruments worked or using the stones to return to Earth, learning medicine. Since it was rather late and she wasn't in her quarters when Eli went looking for her, he figured she'd be here.

"I have a problem, I need to talk to you," he said hesitantly, coming closer to where she was seated next to the scanner.

"Something happened? Are you feeling sick?" she asked, instantly going into her medical mode, all business.

"No, no, I'm fine. Just uneasy, I guess."

"What's wrong?" TJ moved another chair closer to hers, showing him to sit. He did, not looking at her.

"I… overheard something I shouldn't have. I shouldn't know about it and I know I can trust you not to spill…"

"Yeah, sure. Not a peep," TJ said, making a gesture of zipping her mouth and turning an imaginary key.

"But really, you can't tell _anyone,_" Eli looked at her with eyes so serious,, she felt worried. She nodded and waited for him to tell her what he heard.

"Today we found some info in the database, it said there was a Supergate in every galaxy that was seeded with Stargates, to make it easier for Ancients to get their ships back… Anyway, there's one seven hundred light years from here…"

"That's great!" TJ exclaimed, as excited as he had felt an hour ago.

"Yeah. Only our sub-space drive doesn't work. And it's very near to the nasty aliens' territory. The ones that attacked us. Basically, there would be minimal chance of going home through the gate with what we have and preparations would take forever."

"That sucks. But no need to worry, we'll figure out another way…"

"No, it's not that," Eli interrupted, a bit irritated by her lame attempt at making him feel better. "The idiot, Brody, figured out that all can be fixed with help of the chair… and Rush agreed to use it."

He saw her face change as she heard this and he felt bad for telling her this. Still, he wasn't done and felt like he has to tell her everything that bothered him.

"Listen, TJ… Some time ago I eavesdropped on you and Rush fighting in the infirmary… And I know what's going on. I'm sorry I did that but I think it's better that I know what might happen to Rush."

TJ stared at him, her eyes wide with shock. A moment later her face softened into a sad frown.

"Eli, I'm so sorry we didn't tell you…"

"Nah, it's ok. I get it. Rush is not the kind of person who's into bonding and sharing. And it's cool he tried to be thoughtful. Not that I think it would be better for me not to know but he meant well. And you only respected his wish so it's all right."

TJ only nodded and smiled gratefully but a moment later she frowned.

"So… Rush is going to use the chair?" she asked.

"Yeah. I sorta spied on him and Young talking and Rush told him that he's gonna do it, even though…" Eli swallowed hard, the words heavy on his tongue. "…even though it's gonna kill him for sure. He wants to use the stones to talk to someone on Earth tomorrow and begin right after."

He was sure TJ got the implications of Rush using the stones, he could see it in her eyes. They sat silently, neither of them sure what to do now. Eli could almost see thoughts going through Tamara's head, the same thoughts he was thinking when he heard the news.

"I shouldn't know about that so there's no way I'm gonna let you go to Rush and beat the idea out of his head…" Eli rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "But I just needed to talk to somebody, maybe try figuring something out…"

"Yeah, I get it," TJ murmured, deep in thought. "So… how long does he need to use the chair for, to do all you said that needs to be done?"

"Pretty long, I guess. The repairs might not take too much, it's basically just setting the repair system and I think he might want to set our course then in one go. But then there's the battle systems to be operated during an attack, Rush says that the badass aliens won't let us through without a fight. And this might take quite a while. At the same time, there's the setting of the Supergate that we basically know nothing about so it might take some time to do that…"

TJ didn't respond, she didn't know what she could say to that. They sat together for a moment in an uncomfortable silence until Eli hung his head.

"I just don't know what to do," he said quietly. Tamara looked at him, knowing exactly how he felt. Things with Rush were always complicated, especially when Young was involved. And since they seemed to be cooperating for a change, it only made them more helpless.

"I know, buddy," Tamara answered, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing lightly. "Let me think about it, we'll figure something out." Eli nodded his head and slowly left the room.

TJ didn't follow him with her gaze, as she was deep in thought, striving for a solution.


	12. Calm Before The Storm

A/N: Oh my God, It took me so long to update! I'm sooo sorry! I had a MASSIVE writer's block, it took forever to finish this. Fortunately, I have a great Beta who knows how to help a writer in need and gave me a solid push in the right direction. So you should thank Lilandriel. Like, now. Go do that, best by reviewing her own story.

And, of course, enjoy the chapter ;)

***

CALM BEFORE THE STORM

It wasn't any different than the first time. The body felt awkward, like a suit that didn't quite fit, too big for him. As Nicholas touched his chest, he saw big, knobbly hands and felt uneasy. Glancing at the monitor in front of him, he saw Telford looking somewhere to the side with confusion written all over his face. He scowled and the man did the same. Telford was on Destiny again, in his body at that. At least Young would have as bad a day as him, dealing with that son of a bitch. God knows there's enough animosity between them, for whatever reason. Let them have their fun, then. As a bonus, the thought of Telford suffering through the nasty headache he'd had since morning, made him smile maliciously. He decided to stay in this body as long as possible, even if he was only to sit on a bench in a park.

Just then he realized something. There was no _pain._ He had to laugh at how good it felt. A soldier that was standing in the doorway, politely waiting for him to make a request for today's activities, looked at him strangely but said nothing. Nicholas savored the feeling of relief that washed over him as he shook his head and didn't feel like there were nails layering the inside of his skull, pressing into his brain. His temples didn't throb, the muscles of his arms were knot-free and his back didn't protest as he stretched. Oh, this felt so _good_!

***

TJ didn't want Rush to know that she was monitoring the body switch so she had to wait for him to shift to Earth before coming into the chamber. When she entered the stones room, as they all called it, the person in Rush's body was sitting on the stool half bent, groaning, hand pressed firmly against his forehead.

"What the _fuck_?!" He managed to growl, going red in the face, which was twisted with a mixture of anger and confusion. This only confirmed what both she and Colonel Young suspected – it was Telford that Rush had switched bodies with, probably intent on meddling some more. She felt grim satisfaction seeing his pained expression, even thought it was Rush's body.

"Calm down," she said, coming closer. "It's normal, there's nothing I can do." She knew she sounded harsh but she tried her best to be gentle while peeling the man's palm from his head and looking him in the face.

"Damn." Was all he muttered, before he slowly stood, rubbing at the small of his back for a second. "Where's Young?" he asked and she promptly volunteered to take him to the Colonel's quarters. As they were walking down the corridor, TJ kept glancing at the man occupying Rush's body – this was a perfect opportunity for her to estimate the actual state of Doctor's physical condition. Telford seemed weary, muddled, as if he had trouble focusing his mind.

"How's the head?" She asked, trying to sound casual.

"Hurts like a bitch. Everything is woozy, it's making me dizzy. Doesn't this guy wear glasses or something? I can't see a damn thing!"

"Uh, yeah," she muttered, pointing her finger at his chest, "right vest pocket." Only after a moment, when she noticed Telford giving her a sideways glance, did she realize how it must've looked for him – her knowing this little detail, not even having to think about it. She decided not to say anything else but the harm has been already done.

***

"Where would you like to go, sir?" the soldier asked politely and as they left the room.

"I need to talk to General O'Neill. It's urgent," he said and the soldier made a troubled face.

"He is very busy at the moment, I'll see what I can do…" he began, but Nicholas interrupted him rudely:

"I just said it's very important, I wouldn't interrupt him otherwise. Tell him it's about the neural-interface device." Apparently the soldier, like most of the military force in the SGC, knew about General's encounter with the Ancient knowledge depository because his face grew serious and he nodded sharply, spinning on his heel and leaving Nicholas alone. Not more than five minutes later, he came back and announced that General O'Neill was waiting for him.

As he entered the office, the older man nodded his head in greeting and they shook hands. They weren't exactly friends but both respected the other. O'Neill knew him to be an honest, no-nonsense guy who didn't beat around the bush – the kind he liked to work with the most. Rush in turn knew the General to be much smarter than he let on, sharp and very straightforward. And he was one of the few army officers Nicholas knew who didn't have an ego size of a small building.

"Doctor Rush," O'Neill said and nodded his head politely. "What brings you here? The visit is kinda… unexpected?"

"I presume you were informed about the neural interface being used onboard the Destiny?" Nicholas asked, not wanting to waste time on small talk. O'Neill's pleasant expression turned into a more serious one, and he nodded once. "Yeah, we thought you were done with it. By the way, that was pretty stupid thing to be doing."

Nicholas didn't bother to comment on that. "There are… circumstances… That might lead me to using it again. That's why I came here. Colonel Young and I decided that since I needed to visit Earth anyway, I might as well fill you in on the situation." O'Neill's face clearly showed a healthy amount of doubt in lieu of the fact that the scientist was actually agreeing with Young about anything, but he finally urged him to continue with a quirk of his eyebrows. The next few minutes were spent with him describing their situation to the General, the older man listening intently. Nicholas told him about both alien races, the Supergate and their problems concerning the ship itself, omitting the magnitude of his own health issues.

"So let me get this straight." O'Neill said, folding his hands on top of his desk. "The only way for you to get to the Supergate and back to Earth is for you to use the chair for an undefined period of time?"

"Well, there is the possibility of getting to another galaxy but at the speed we're moving, maybe our grandchildren would be able to get there and besides, the repairs required are impossible to carry out without the ship's maintenance system running."

General O'Neill made a face that most people knowing him would interpret as contemplative. He then looked Nicholas in the eyes, ignoring his physical form and going straight to his soul.

"This is completely different from what you've done so far," he stated, not bothering with elaborating. He left that to Nicholas, like he always did. He made people explain things, present their own opinions, not sharing his own thoughts about the matter at hand. This made others think him less bright, a simple soldier; underestimating him so greatly it was laughable. For these, who knew what kind of intelligence was hidden under the gray hair, he was a strategic genius. _Let your enemies make the first move._ Also, now, he was right in his suspicions. O'Neill already knew what everyone around Rush had so far failed to consider. The only thing left was for Nicholas to confirm the unspoken truth.

"Yes," he said, folding his uncomfortably big hands in his lap. "This will require me to transfer my own self into Destiny's systems, after I prepare a virtual gateway to make it possible. All scenarios I come up with result in either my mind or body dieing."

"Hm," An unidentified shadow passed across the General's face as he rested his chin on folded hands. "That is uncharacteristically noble of you, Doctor Rush."

"Partially. Maybe." Nicholas smiled humorlessly, looking down at the wide desk in front of him. He couldn't miss the fact that it was meticulously neat. A military thing, he thought. Order ran in military veins. "At some point I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could do something else other than being an egoistic bastard. But then again, I know what Young has been telling you; how it's all my fault, that we got stuck on Destiny because of me. And I know that, despite everything I have done to save the crew, the ship, the _knowledge_, I'll be removed from the project the moment we come back. And it's pissing me off big time."

He went silent, in turn, waiting for O'Neill to say what shouldn't be said aloud. In his experience, when bargaining one should never say anything even remotely resembling a threat and this was what it would sound like right now. Nicholas honestly didn't like how this was going, but there was no other way for him to get what he wanted. Even if he died in the coming days, he would die knowing he could have exactly what he wanted. And boy, was it a prospect that might keep him fighting…

"I think you're dramatizing a bit, Doctor Rush," the General said, but despite his good natured voice, his face was deadly serious, telling Nicholas that the man knew exactly what was taking place here and was going along with it. They both needed to tread carefully now. "I'm pretty sure that the board would acknowledge your heroism if you were to survive the whole thing. It's a lot of lives that's at stake here, after all. Plus, I think Carter likes _you_ far more than MacKay, and would be very happy to cooperate with you if you'd be willing to continue getting to the bottom of all the technical mumbo-jumbo as the project leader."

There was a tense moment of silence as they both looked the other in the eyes but then Nicholas felt a wave of relief wash over him and a brilliant smile split the face that was his but not his.

"Speaking of Colonel Carter," O'Neill said nonchalantly, "I heard she wanted to talk to you, she came planetside from the Hammond as soon as she heard you were visiting. So, why don't you go see her while I have someone prepare an agreement for you to sign. We wouldn't want you to risk your life based on empty promises."

"I'll do just that," Nicholas said and they shook hands. Something deeper than words passed between them as the scientist nodded his head in thanks and the General returned the gesture, showing his understanding. He was, after all, friends with the infamous Harry Maybourne and that made him more open minded about matters of 'scamming'.

The soldier that led him here was already waiting outside O'Neill's office. Without a word, he led Nicholas through the base, to a medium sized laboratory – one that Nicholas would have given his left hand to have onboard _Destiny_ two months ago. Various monitors, chemical analyzing equipment and devices looking like something taken out of a B-class sci-fi movie were placed all over the room, creating a symphony of quiet sounds and hums. Amongst all that, in a white lab coat, was a blond woman leaning over something that might have once been a toaster or a radio. When she heard the door swish open, she looked in their direction and smiled brightly, her work momentarily forgotten.

"I assume it's you, Doctor Rush?" she asked, getting up and walking up to him. The soldier left as soon as he saw her move. "Wonderful to see you. How's your visit so far?"

"More pleasant than I expected," he answered and they shook hands. Carter led the scientist to a chair and pulled another across, sitting down herself. "I heard you wanted to talk to me?"

"Yes, I heard about your grand success with the ship's database. I'm eager to know what you've discovered so far. I'm pretty sure Daniel will be pestering you about it soon as well," she added with a laugh and Nicholas had to smile. Her optimism was infectious, especially when he himself was in such a good mood.

Out of habit he reach to his vest pocket for the notebook that was his constant companion but realized he had neither the vest nor the notebook here with him so he decided that he'll just have to do without it. Instead, he asked Carter for some paper and a pencil and began explaining what they found so far.

For once, there was someone who seemed to perfectly understand what he was talking about. No moron-talk, only pure science. It felt beyond fantastic.

He had to admit that he had admired Lieutenant Colonel Carter since the first time he heard of her, not to mention the first time he was able to work with the woman on preparing the scientific background for the Icarus Project. Not only was she a genius, best in her field, she was also charming and witty. If only the people he worked with on _Destiny_ were like that… they would probably be home by now. They were more than efficient together, going through what he'd memorized – he had no difficulties with passing on his in turn helped him immensely by clarifying some things that were not in his field of study. Nicholas had known from the beginning that she would be a big help but he had never imagined how much she could do to improve his plans. By explaining how some of the systems on _Destiny_ might work – based on what he told her – she probably spared him hours of neural-interface exposure.

Before they knew it, the door swished open and the soldier from before entered, politely reminding Nicholas that he would have to be leaving in fifteen minutes. They'd spent nearly six hours here without realizing.

"There's one more thing," Rush said, his face hardening. Sam, sensing the shift of his mood, became serious as well. "There are some things I kept to myself and no one knows about them. There was no point in telling my scientists, but I think it will be of great use to you."

Sam nodded her head, waiting for Nicholas to collect his thoughts.

"There is a great possibility - certainty I daresay - that I will not live long enough to come back here and continue my work."

"I'm sure…" Carter began sympathetically, but he raised his hand to stop her.

"Please don't. I don't need that," he said sternly. "The cube that the S'hottoss gave me is a technological masterpiece. The aliens knew how limited my resources, not to mention my chances to gain trust onboard the _Destiny_, were and so provided the device with a genetic lock that is impossible to break with what we have onboard. However, given your knowledge of Ancient and Asgard technology, you should be able to find a way to tamper with it, you have far greater means to do so. If you can find someone foolish enough to use it, or perhaps some way to stabilize its function, I believe you could achieve much more than I ever wished for. My only requirement is that you are the one calling the shots."

Sam looked at him intently and Nicholas could see that she knew how important this was for him. This was probably the only form of last will he would make and they were both aware of that. She finally nodded her head and he smiled sadly.

"Thank you," he said, getting to his feet. Sam followed suit and soon they were standing together by the door to the laboratory. "Also, thank you for giving me a chance to work with such a talented scientist. It has been a real pleasure, every time, Lieutenant Colonel Carter."

He extended his hand and she shook it, her face sad and eyes shining with moisture. He suddenly felt flattered that this extraordinary person was feeling sorrow over him – something he knew was ridiculous, especially since he knew she was an emotional person in general.

"Likewise, Doctor Rush," she only said and they shared a quiet moment. As he moved to leave, he heard her speak: "Good luck."

He stopped in the doorway and cast her a melancholic smile. "Thank you," he said and left.

***

TJ had to admit that if Rush took any longer with returning to his body, he might come back to find it a bit damaged. Telford was royally pissing everybody off, herself included. She could see that Young was only stopping himself from hitting the man because someone was constantly accompanying them. In the beginning it was her but after what felt like days, Scott quietly offered to take the role. Since then she was only observing them from afar.

Telford seemed bone tired. And annoyed. Not only was the Doctor's illness getting to him, it was the body itself. The small things Rush was apparently used to, were driving the soldier crazy, like the smell of his shirt, something they were never able to get rid of – none of them, there was no efficient way to clean their clothes. The too long hair that was constantly falling into his eyes. The uneven glasses that were slipping off his nose. It was quite entertaining to watch, at least in the beginning.

There were other things she had noticed. Only now, when another man was occupying the body, did she see all the things she missed normally. Telford was carving the thin face into a stony frown which was a contrast to Rush's usual scowl. And to her astonishment, Tamara had to admit that the reserved, self-controlled scientist's face was much more expressive than she ever knew. There was a whole scale of frowns, half-smiles, smirks and faces that she couldn't come up with names for. Without the deep furrow on his forehead and the small tick in the corner of his mouth, Rush's face looked completely different. Empty.

Another thing she had to wonder about was Everett's attitude toward Telford now. He seemed reserved, even hostile. Much like he was towards Rush before the rockslide accident. Tamara wasn't sure if it was Telford or Rush's body's fault but as they sat together, going over some possible scenarios of the alien encounter they were getting prepared for, Young was constantly sending the other man vicious glares and angry comments hinting at something she couldn't make out. Apparently Telford did but he seemed too tired and annoyed to play the Colonel's game. At the moment he was ignoring the man completely, looking intently at the notes they wrote down, one hand supporting his forehead.

"This is completely ridiculous!" Young was saying, pointing at something on the paper. "The maneuver is not being used for a reason! _Destiny_ is too big… Telford, are you even listening to me?"

To everyone's surprise, the other man took off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes with a familiar gesture.

"It's Rush," he said and Young's face lost its angry look, "I see you've been preparing for the battle?" Rush asked, glancing at the pile of notes before him. He raised his hand and absentmindedly scratched at the small patch of dressing he was still wearing on his temple, but soon relented. The wounds were healing, itching like hell.

"Yeah, and you've interrupted us." Young answered a bit tersely.

"What I heard didn't give me the impression that you were very productive, Colonel. And this _is_ my body, I have full right to occupy it." As he said that, he raised his eyes to look at Young and, surprisingly, he was smirking.

"Whatever," Young murmured. "Since you're back, we could go through these strategies. If you're to operate the canons and manoeuvring the ship, you should know…"

"Tomorrow, Colonel," Rush answered calmly, not bothered by the angry glare Young sent his way after being interrupted. "I have had a pretty busy day and there are some notes I would like to make before I retire for the night. It's not like we're going anywhere, at least in the near future."

***

TJ didn't expect to meet Rush this evening, expecting him to go to sleep or – a more likely occurrence – back to work. So when she saw him sitting in the Mess Hall as she herself came to grab dinner with Jake, she was absolutely astonished. And pleased that for once he came here of his own accord. He was sitting alone, his back to the entrance. There were few others in the room due to late hour so he probably felt comfortable here, not bothered by curious looks.

"Go grab our food, I'll be right there, ok?" TJ said to Jake and he nodded his head. He knew that Tam had been ordered to keep an eye on the Doc so he didn't complain. As he went to collect their meals and chat a bit with a buddy he spotted, TJ walked across and sat down opposite Rush, uninvited.

He was hunched over his pad, pencil in one hand, uneaten spoon of gloop poised in the other. As she invaded his privacy, he looked up, scowling; the expression softened slightly when he saw her smiling face.

"So," she began, hesitated. He raised an eyebrow. "How did it go on Earth?"

"Peachy," he replied, and turned his attention back to the pad, not bothering to elaborate. She frowned. He always picked irritating times to be stubborn and withdrawn.

For something to do, she reached over and gently poked the raised hand. "Eat."

With a roll of his eyes he complied, grimacing at the taste. His attention soon shifted back to his notes but TJ gave him no chance to write anything.

"Spoon," and pointed at the bowl.

The glare he fixed her with was both amused and annoyed. "I'm not six."

"Then stop acting like it. Spoon." Insistent. The scowl returned.

"Lieutenant…"

"Please." It was enough to win his obedience. She was about to take her leave when Rush glanced at her and said quietly:

"I got what I wanted." At her confused expression he elaborated; "on Earth. I did what I had to do. Everything's sorted."

_Everything's sorted…_ TJ knew what that meant. He had no loose ends, nothing left unfinished. She swallowed painfully, watched for a while in silence as he ate and wrote simultaneously. She couldn't bear the thought, reached across the table and laid her hand upon the one that wrote.

"Nicholas…" Her voice was soft, raw. It was hard to speak.

His gaze was infinitely gentle as he looked at her. Placing the spoon in the bowl, he reached across and gripped her proffered wrist tenderly, squeezed lightly.

"It's alright, Tamara." His voice was equally as quiet. This was not a moment for loud conversations.

They watched each other for a moment and it struck TJ how calm his eyes were. She didn't feel that it was all right but this gentleness he was radiating eased her raging emotions a bit. With trepidation she realized that there was something wrong with this picture. It should be her consoling him, not the other way around. It should be him panicking. Instead, he was doing the most uncharacteristic thing - comforting her in public. Was he really as reconciled to his fate as he seemed? If that was the case, she probably should just calm down and help him keep the good mood.

She gently extracted her hand from his and smiled bravely.

"I'd better be going, Jake is waiting with my food." He nodded his head and stood up himself, taking his now empty bowl with him to deposit it in washing area. Bidding her good night, he left the Mess Hall.

As TJ sat next to Jake, she noticed him casting her a keen look.

"Something wrong?" he asked and TJ couldn't miss the fake lightness of his voice.

"Nah, everything's cool," she with equally artificial cheerfulness. They spent the rest of the meal in silence.


	13. Three Weeks Later

A/N: Yayz, another chapter! You have **no** idea what pains I had to go through to finally get it done. But here it is, the longest chapter of all, so far. I'm thinking we're nearing the end, two more chapters, maybe an epilogue… But you'll have to wait for that about two weeks. There's nothing I can do about it so just bear with me, ok?

I'm sorry for not answering the reviews, my email went on a spam filtering rampage and after a week a lot of the alerts got deleted. I'm trying my best to write a reply to the ones I know I didn't respond yet but if somehow I skipped you, know that I highly appreciate all the encouragement and praise I get from you. And the _constructive_ critique, I really do. Even the short "It's great" reviews are welcome, even if you don't get any answer to it :)

Hope you'll enjoy the chapter, it's the fruit of many, many hours of hard thinking. I would highly appreciate some feedback on the technical stuff, I'm not very good with computers so I might have written some serious bull**it.

***

THREE WEEKS LATER

Nicholas sighed and put the tool to the side. Finally, he was done. For the last two days he left the room only to eat and for a quick shower to clear his mind. One he started to work on the cube, he found it hard to stop. The S'hottoss technology was like nothing he had seen before, it fascinated him to no end. The almost microscopic circuits and nanochips presented a level of advance knowledge that was at least comparable to that of the Ancients. Just to get a vague idea about its working had taken him a better part of the first week, not to mention the countless nights he had spent looking for the blockade that apparently prevented him from gaining access to full system command. When he thought about all the times his mind tried to grasp hold of the control, only to have it elude him, anger rose in his chest. If only he had thought of this earlier… And here, he thought his _mind_ was not capable enough. Tch!

At first he was reluctant to do anything with the cube. During his visit on Earth, Colonel Carter presented him with some ideas he hadn't considered before and they had spent a good two hours working solely on cube adjustment possibilities. At the time they both thought it was futile but as Nicholas came back on Destiny and had an opportunity to sleep on it, he figured out a way to enter the cube's data log. Decent rest and a clear head did wonders for the thought process. Another visit to Earth was required, this time to meet with Daniel Jackson, to decipher S'hottoss language, but after that it was only a matter of time for him to gain access to some of the cube's secondary functions.

Knowing the problem was there, even knowing how to solve it, was only the beginning. As he soon found out, the tools they were in possession of were hardly usable for the nanotechnology he was dealing with here. Luckily, it only took one tantrum on his part for Brody to reluctantly help him with adjusting some of their precious apparatus. If the plan didn't work they would be forced to remain in this secluded part of the Universe, they would have to adapt, that's all.

For now, he should focus on getting some rest, though. He had no idea what would happen while he used the chair but from experience he knew that it was best to be as fit as possible while using it, both physically and mentally. Deciding that at least one of these could be taken care of, he gently laid the cube in a small case, taking his time to make sure none of the tiny parts he added was in danger of getting damaged, got up and turned to leave the lab, only to come face to face with TJ.

"Hi, I was just coming to drag you to dinner," she said, a bit too cheerfully.

"I was actually headed to the Mess Hall. I'm done with the cube," he answered, passing her in the doorway.

"Oh," was all she said as she followed. She was apparently aware what it meant – tomorrow he would be using the chair to initiate the maintenance protocols. For a moment he felt guilty that he had ruined her good mood, but when she looked at him, there was no worry or sadness in her eyes and he became instantly grateful for her support. Nicholas had to admit that since he came back from Earth, she was acting completely different towards him. Instead of fussing, she gave him the reassurance and space he needed, and Nicholas couldn't help but feel amazed by her faith in him succeeding – or the ability to fake it so well. It felt refreshing and somewhat encouraging, even though he knew that it was a psychological trick she had learned from med school.

As soon as they entered the Mess Hall, all eyes were on him. Somehow the news that he was going to access ship's systems had become public – Nicholas suspected that one of the soldiers had overheard Young and Telford arguing about it; TJ had told him they were very vocal about their opinions – and now every public appearance was followed by a wave of mixed curiosity and anticipation crashing upon him from every direction. A few days ago he decided that it was decidedly worse than the time when the whole crew hated him, at least they avoided being in the same room as him then. He almost missed these days.

"Hey, Doctor Rush, how're ye doin'?" Becker asked as he served him his meal. At least the food was considerably better now that they had the greenhouse.

"Fine, thank you," he answered, making a discouraging face. Unfazed, Becker handed TJ her plate. "Good to hear," the soldier answered and went back to his station.

"You could try talking to them from time to time, you know?" TJ said, taking a seat opposite to him. "They're making the effort."

"No need for that," he said through mouthful of… whatever it was that he was eating. "This is typical human thinking – 'if we're nice to him, he'll work faster'. I don't need fake friendship. Never needed it."

"You probably had a fun life in high school then," TJ said lightly and he smirked.

"Not really. In my times we mostly stuck together. Glasgow schools were a tad different than the US ones, we watched each other's back. But I mostly kept to myself. I can imagine _you_ being little miss popularity, on the other hand."

"Yeah," she laughed. "A cheerleader is bound to be popular."

"I think it's more of a personality, you're a born people's person," he said, pointing a fork at her. "You like to see people happy and they appreciate it." She had to blush at that. Not often did they talk like this, especially in front of other crew members. Rush wasn't prone to showing his 'smiley side', as TJ liked to call it in her mind. And praise from him was even more of a rarity, he had to be in an exceptionally good mood today. Weird, considering that he will be putting his life on the line tomorrow.

Seeing her blush he chuckled under his breath and she slapped him playfully on the shoulder.

"This is _so_ not funny, you son of a gun!" she exclaimed loudly and, to her surprise, Rush's face instantly grew serious, as he glued his eyes to his bowl. Confused, she watched him for a moment and wanted to ask him what was wrong, only to come to the realization that the Mess Hall was eerily quiet. Looking around, TJ discovered that most of the other occupants were either trying to listen in on their conversation without being discovered or shamelessly staring at them. Her blush deepened, as she sunk in her seat.

"Welcome to my glory club, you have been chosen to be today's tittle-tattle focus," Rush said bitterly, his face back to its normal, guarded expression. "See why I avoid them now?" his voice was one of a lecturer, the one he usually used while he was proving a point to Young.

"I guess," she answered, feeling her good mood evaporating. He never got any breaks. When did the moods onboard shift from ignoring his existence to hanging on every news about his actions? Tamara was beginning to understand why he didn't want the news about him getting them home to get out in the open. Not only might it be a false hope, but it would ruin his life even further. This was bad enough.

"Well, since the evening has been effectively ruined, I think I'm going to my quarters. Big day tomorrow, I'll need all my strength," Nicholas said, casting her a humorless smile. He got up slowly, stretching his aching back in the process and left the room, rudely leaving his bowl on the table. With a sigh, Tamara carried it to the washing area, where Becker took it from her with a chuckle.

Rounding the corner on her way to the med bay, she could swear she heard the buzzing of talk rising the moment she disappeared from sight.

***

The Chair room was swarming with people. Eli, Brody and Rush were leaning over a control station in the far corner, talking in hushed tones. Park was hovering near the door with a portable console in her hand – it was obvious she was still feeling uncomfortable about being near the chair, and Volker was tapping something on a diagnostic device hooked directly to the side of the neural interface. Young was standing on the right with Scott and – for some unknown reason – Wray. As he saw Tamara enter the room, he cast her a small smile and waved his hand for her to come closer.

"That's one hell of a party we're having today," TJ said, putting her own version of med kit on the floor, gently as to not disturb the contents. There were a lot of fragile and very valuable vials inside, things they couldn't afford to lose through sheer carelessness, but she had decided that whatever happened here today, it would be better if she came prepared.

"If Rush manages to start the repair sequence, there will be a much bigger one in the Mess Hall in the evening," Young answered, looking at the doctor, who was apparently scolding Brody for something, judging from the other man's expression.

"Hey, Rush!" the Colonel said loud enough to be heard. "TJ's here, we can get on with the show."

Nicholas turned to them and nodded, glancing at her briefly. As he moved in the direction of the neural interface, Eli said something too quietly for anyone but the older scientist to hear, but Rush stopped in his tracks and pierced him with an unreadable expression. To everybody's surprise, he put his hand on the younger man's shoulder and patted it lightly before sitting in the chair.

TJ moved to his side and opened her case, taking out the portable console that had a direct connection to her medical scanner. Last week they decided that the whole procedure should be monitored. If any medical problem occurs, they might be able to disconnect Rush from the system and maybe prevent any serious damage. They adjusted the console so it would take signals from an additional device, send it to the scanner to process and send back to the console. There would be a minor delay in data communication but it was definitely better than nothing. The neural interface itself did have its' own medical monitoring system, but it mainly focused on the neureological activity. TJ decided that they needed to have an insight on at least his heart rate and blood pressure, which was Rush's main problem while using the interface.

Handing him a finger clip, TJ looked at his face. He was pale but there was a gleam of determination in his eyes that was rare enough to mean there was no way of stopping him now. Instead, she caught his gaze with her own and gave him a reassuring nod. He smiled nervously in return, knowing that the reassurance was needed by both of them. As she was about to move away, he suddenly grabbed her wrist in his slightly sweaty hand.

"Wait," he said very quietly, aware that every person in the room was watching them and straining to hear anything. "If… in case…" he swallowed, looking for words awkwardly. "The last few pages are for some of you. The rest goes to Eli." With that, he fished in his vest pocket and handed TJ his prized notebook. She took it tentatively, with hesitation and looked him deep in the eyes. She understood the meaning, even if no-one else did.

It was the silence that brought them back to reality. As if on cue, TJ stepped back and Rush turned his head in Eli's direction, giving him a signal to begin. Then he closed his eyes as he always did and took a deep intake of air in order to ease the hyperventilation that was slowly setting in. Watching her console monitor, TJ could see his heartbeat quickening rapidly as the clasps closed around his wrists. She watched his face contorting as the collar lowered. This time she stood in front of him, she didn't move to the back of the chair. It only felt right to inflict this self-punishment for making him do this.

She heard female gasps somewhere to her right, there was movement in the corner of her eye as Park fled the room, soon followed by Wray. But she didn't move, didn't make a sound as the electrodes bore into his flesh. For a moment, she couldn't look away, transfixed on his lithe form squirming in the grasp of alien technology. Only a rapid beeping of her console reminded her of her duties. His heart rate was over the roof; worryingly, the brainwave feedback was showing some very disturbing fluctuations. Rush's form was tensed, back arched and his hands were folded into fists so tight, his knuckles turned white. There was a quiet crunch and she could see in her mind's eye one of his teeth breaking under the pressure of his jaw clenching.

Then, suddenly, everything stopped.

Rush's body slumped in the chair; simultaneously, his heart rate dropped to a slow, steady beat. Confused, TJ turned to the brainwave activity feedback and her eyes widened.

"What's going on?" Young asked, approaching her.

"This is… weird." Was her answer as she studied the diagrams in front of her.

"Could you maybe elaborate that?" the Colonel asked, growing irritated fast. TJ, walking up to Rush, produced a small flashlight from her vest pocket, pulled one of Doctor's eyelids up and flicked it back and forth over his eye a couple of times. Only then did she spin around to face her superior.

"From what I know, everything I have here indicates a long-term comatose patient."

"So he's, like, brain dead?" Scott asked from behind the chair. "My uncle was comatose. That's what they said, that he's brain dead."

TJ swallowed.

"All signs tell me he is. His brain probably couldn't take the strain…" she trailed off and averted her gaze from the still form of Doctor Rush. Instead, it drifted to Eli, who was looking intently at the console in front of him, hands gripping it for dear life. His face was absolutely blank and TJ felt sorry for him.

"Eli…" she said, making her way towards the younger man. He didn't react, just kept staring at the screen. "Eli, you ok?" she asked tentatively.

"Look at _that_," he said, pointing at the console, not taking his eyes off of it. Confused, TJ moved around the station and stood next to him, looking at the screen. There was nothing on it, except for a line of text, written in English, in an Arial font.

_Eli, do not disengage the neural interface device._

"Whoa," was all TJ could manage. As soon as she made the sound, almost everyone in the room moved to see what they were so shocked about.

"He made it," Volker said in disbelief. "He entered the ships systems."

"That's creepy," Eli said, a dose of boyish fascination entering his voice. "I wonder if he gained control over Destiny. Whoa, this must be awesome, being one with the ship… I wonder how it feels. And if he can hear us. Or see what's going on…"

_Eli, focus._

They watched, mesmerized, as the sentence wrote itself on the green screen. Eli's face turned red and he quieted down immediately. "Apparently yes," was all he muttered.

"Rush, do you have access to the maintenance protocols?" It was Young who asked the question. Always the practical type, he was never much into taking delight in all the magnificent techno shit. There was a moment of stillness as everyone waited for the answer to appear.

_Yes. I am applying them right now. It will take approximately ………………………. 2367 minutes to engage all required systems._

"That looked awfully Windows-like," Eli said, as he stepped away from the console. "I think I'm gonna go to the Control Room, I'll be able to monitor the changes far better from there."

"Good thinking. Volker, you go with him." Young said and made a move to leave as well but another message lit the screen and he stopped to read it.

_Do not let Volker in my Control Room. Take Park instead._

Volker, seeing this, made an offended face but before he was able to complain, Young patted his shoulder with a smirk.

"Sorry, he has the ultimate power now. Park it is! Eli, go find her."

_She is in the Mess Hall._

"Whoa, creepy," Eli repeated, leaving hastily.

"Ok, folks, not much we can for now. It'll take Rush almost two days to do… whatever it is he's doing. Brody, go and set up a monitoring schedule with Park and Eli, I want at least one of you keeping an eye on the chair and its occupant. Volker, grab a console and do whatever Rush tells you to do. You can also keep track of the time so we know exactly when to come here. TJ, check up on Rush every six hours. I'll meet you all here in… uh… 39 hours or so."

***

_Eli, go to sleep._

"No way! You might have been infected with alien virus technology. You'll probably send huge, badass robots to kill us off in our sleep!"

_You are dramatizing. Just go to sleep, you need it._

"Yeah, you're right. I'm exhausted. G'night."

…

_And the robots are not that big._

"WHAT?!"

***

It were very strange two days, all of the crew could say that. At first there was nothing much going on, at least in the habitable part of the ship. Most of what they were able to see of the progressing changes, were some light dimming and slight temperature drop. Rush didn't grace them with any form of explanation but they figured that he probably needed the power to fix the sub-space drive. It was a minor discomfort that only few members of the crew asked about with worry.

Then the sounds started.

Chloe was the first one to hear it – the quiet ticking, sounding as if it were carried from far away by the vent ducts. In the beginning it was a mere background noise against the usual hum of the ship but soon it changed into a cacophony of clangs and rumbles, sometimes followed by something that sounded disturbingly like a big mass of metal being bent. Combined with an unsettling buzzing, it made it almost impossible to sleep at night.

And there were the robots, of course.

Eli freaked out as soon as they found the first one. It was a small, 16 inches long gizmo that looked like a combination of a beetle and vacuum cleaner with no tube that seemed to ignore the gravitation rights and was mostly using the ceiling to move around. No one saw them actually _do_ anything but when followed, they mostly disappeared in the corridors leading to where they knew the Bridge was. On one hand their presence was unnerving and worried the crew but on the other suddenly the ship seemed a lot more lively.

Rush himself, however had given no sign of life since last night. He was not trying to communicate with them and didn't respond to their attempts at messaging, both verbal and virtual. It seemed that in the process of handling all necessary repairs he couldn't maintain a simultaneous link with them. Their speculation was that his consciousness was translated into a specified bit amount that was unable to process too much data. Volker mentioned that a similar problem has occurred on Atlantis once. At this point it seemed they would just have to wait to see what happened when the estimated maintenance time passes. Of course, knowing Rush he was just ignoring them deliberately.

His body was a problem as well. It seemed that all conscious thought had left it, leaving the brain operating on the most basic level, capable only of sustaining life. TJ ran a battery of tests and came up with absolutely nothing. Aside from lack of nutrition – Young said it should be ok to wait the two days and not set up a drip, which angered TJ to no end – it was in perfectly normal condition. At least normal for Rush these days. It was completely unresponsive, though, not reacting to any external stimulus. The whole frame was kept upright solely by the bolts keeping Rush's head in place, which would probably be extremely painful for a person that was aware. A simple experiment of pricking his finger with a needle also showed no unconscious reflexes. TJ mulled over what might happen later for a long time. Either the procedure ends as usual plus a nasty bruising of Nicholas's skull, or he might be unable to regain full control over his body. A small chance but it was always there.

As the Colonel ordered, she was checking on him every six hours. There wasn't actually much to check on, if there was breathing and heartbeat, everything was all right. But taking the opportunity, she studied his face.

It was pale and unshaven, the four-or-so-day old facial hair gave him the unmistakable homeless look that was not diminished by the fact that the last few days were probably not the most hygienic ones in his life. But there was calmness in his expression, one that she had never seen there before. Even when he slept, Rush seemed troubled, as if his daily life was haunting him in his dreams. Now, when what she could only call his spirit, his _soul_, had left his human form, it made her wonder if it wasn't that Nicholas was tormenting himself.

As the hour drew closer to the finish of whatever Rush was doing, anticipation seemed to rise all around the ship. Even while doing their daily chores, the crewmembers were listening to the sounds coming from afar intently, waiting for whatever was to happen. The later in the afternoon it became, the less they could hear and finally there was only silence. The small robots weren't coursing through the corridors anymore. Lighting went back to its normal intensity. There was only the heavy atmosphere caused by fervent hope of over seventy people.

When they dropped out of FTL, it was sudden. Whatever was being done at that moment was stopped, except for the diagnostics that were being run in the Control Room and in the Chair Room. TJ watched Eli's face as he studied the console before him, unconsciously glancing at Rush's body suspended in its comatose state from time to time. Eli seemed to be struggling to understand what the computer was showing him. Earlier he had tried to explain to Young that originally the neural interface was not designed for the kind of contact Rush was exercising, that they had heavily overridden a number of safety protocols that the Ancients inserted in its programming, and thus the results of their analysis were unclear at best. So when the Colonel asked what was going on, the younger man shook his head impatiently.

"I don't actually _know_," he said. "I can only speculate. The worst case scenario is that Rush screwed something up big time and we're stuck here, in the middle of nowhere. The optimistic option is that he needed to shut down the FTL in order to engage the sub-space… whoa!"

The whole ship lurched and they all had the uncomfortable feeling of acceleration, much like the one experienced during an airplane liftoff. An almighty groan of straining metal echoed throughout the ship but it seemed that nothing lethal was going to happen. As TJ strained her ears, there was a quiet buzzing or electricity at the very edge of hearing range seemingly coming straight from the walls.

"Sir," their radios resounded with Scott's voice. "I'm at the observation deck, we are now moving in sub-space." There were loud cheering noises in the background as he was talking and they all smiled to each other. Soon Brody confirmed that over his own radio from the Control Room, just for the sake of formality.

TJ, Young and Eli stood there for a moment in awkward silence.

"Rush, you there?" the Colonel finally spoke to the room in general, looking at the _still _unmoving body in the chair. There was a moment of silence as they awaited any sign of the doctor's presence.

_I am here._

"Good, now leave the systems, we need to talk things through."

_There are still many things I could do while being like this._

As usual, Young seemed to grow angry rapidly. Unsurprisingly, they all suspected Rush would try something like this. This was after all the man who had risked all of their lives in order to reveal the ninth chevron mystery. Probably merging his consciousness with the ship's systems was like a snowy Christmas morning for a six year old. And six year old kids tend to be stubborn.

"For heaven's sake… I don't have time for your joyful bitching…"

_Joy is an __emotion caused by chemical reactions in a human brain. I am simply doing what is right._

"Yeah, right," was Young's bitter response. "We still need you here, as in _you_. And if you don't grace us with your presence, your body will soon die of starvation. And I sure as hell won't allow using up our precious IVs because of your righteous bullshit."

There was a moment of stillness as they awaited Rush's response. Finally, the console screen that so far was only showing Rush's text message, lit with a quickly scrolling set of symbols.

"That's what happened when he was entering the system," Eli stated, trying to follow the text with his eyes. And failing. It took almost five minutes until the final line faded at the top of the screen. Another twenty seconds passed and, suddenly, Rush inhaled a deep breath and his eyes opened wide. The electrodes retreated but instead of falling forward, exhausted, he kept sitting there, rigid, staring into space. TJ wasted no time, quickly checking his vitals. His heart rate was slightly elevated but aside from that, he only seemed to be in mild shock.

"Doctor? _Doctor? _Damn it, Nicholas, how are you feeling?" she asked, looking him in the eyes. They were slowly focusing but remained wide open. Tamara missed the weird look Young cast her, hearing Rush's name from her lips. The doctor didn't answer her question, so she repeated it. Only then, did he fully look at her, still seeming a bit dazed.

"I…" he began but voice hitched in his throat and he sagged a bit, exhaling shakily and looking down, at his hands. He held them palm up on his knees and stared at them as they began to shake badly. He then folded them into fists for a moment and when they relaxed back open, he looked at Tamara with what she could only describe as exhilaration.

"Actually," he said in a voice trembling with excitement, "I feel perfectly fine."

That definitely shocked TJ. She was already used to his ailments and she wasn't sure if the sudden lack of it was a good or bad sign. She looked at Eli and Young who stood together near the console, looking as confused as her.

"No headaches? Nausea?" she asked, checking his pupils. He looked as if he was about to laugh. "No, nothing. Tamara… it was the most amazing experience of my entire life. I might not have felt it then but now, as I think about it… You have no idea how amazing this ship is. You can't even begin to imagine!" he shifted his eyes to Eli, elation shining in his eyes. "The Ancient used a kind of weird coding, a combination of binary and bi-quinary numeral system. Eli, I don't know how they managed it but the data compression was astounding! You might think that translating a big part of a human mind along with a big part of my own knowledge into a numerical system would take petabytes of Destiny's memory. It took sixty four terabytes. _Sixty four!_"

"Whoa, seriously?!" Eli asked, already pulled in by the balderdash coming from the older scientist. Behind him, Young was rolling his eyes and TJ had to smile as he left the room. For once, he conceded gracefully; apparently there was no point in trying to talk to Rush about further actions. It probably could wait until tomorrow. Now he had some good news to confirm to the crew.

Tamara on the other hand turned back to her miraculously healed patient. Not only had she never seen him in such high spirits before, he seemed to be completely ignoring the fact that suddenly the perspective of a very long and healthy life was back in his sight. He appeared to be engrossed in the inner workings of the ship much more than in his own health perspectives. But this realization would come to him sooner or later. Let the kid have his fun now.

With that thought Tamara began to gather her equipment. Rush didn't even notice that she took the clip off his finger. She was almost out the door when her radio came to life with Young's voice:

"TJ, you there?"

"Yes sir, go on," she said, stopping to extract the walkie-talkie from its holster.

"The civilians decided to throw a party to celebrate the good news. Drag Rush and Eli to the Gate Room, tell them their presence is mandatory." There was laughter in his voice and TJ smiled as well. She turned back to the still rambling duo and managed to get the information through to them. For once, Rush didn't look like running off to the far corner of the ship at the mention of a party. Hell, he probably wanted to celebrate himself, even if his reasons were completely different that their.

"I'll just grab a quick shower," he said, ostentatiously smelling his shirt.

"You do that," TJ answered with laughter and left, both of them following her to the main hallway. They parted ways in the first crossing. Eli went straight for the Mess Hall, TJ decided to secure her med kit and Rush headed to the showers.

***

When she came to the Gate Room, almost everyone was there. She found Jake in the crowd and he hugged the life out of her as soon as she approached him. They all seemed so lively, so happy. For the first time in months there was a very real chance of going home, it definitely boosted morale. No one thought much about the possible encounter with Kiekst'Raaths at this point. Tamara suspected that if they were to be attacked in the next ten minutes, all the crew would say would be that there's no worry, Rush will save us. The sudden shift of loyalties would be hilarious if it wasn't so utterly, narrow-mindedly, inherently human. Suddenly it turned out that they all actually liked the man, that no one could remember thinking or saying anything bad about Rush. It pissed Tamara off but the anger could wait. She was happy as well. They were going home and Rush was ok…

"TJ!!!" the sudden shout silenced the whole crowd. Tamara turned abruptly towards the door, where a frightened Eli was panting, as if he ran a marathon just now. One look at his face made her blood run cold.

"It's Rush," he only said and her stomach sunk as her feet carried her to follow the Math Boy.


	14. In Between

A/N: Hi guys, it's been a while! It was a bad time for, I have to admit and I must confess I haven't done much writing. But now I'll try to make it up to you. I will spend the weekend on writing the next chapter so as soon as it's done and beta-ed, I'll post it. Tuesday or Wednesday, probably.

I have to tell you, I don't like this chapter at all. But please let me know what you think, boost my morale a bit with some feedback. If it's bad, tell me as well, criticism is welcome. Of course, I love knowing that you still like it ;)

Anyway, enjoy the chapter :)

IN BETWEEN

TJ watched Rush stir in his sleep. He had been sleeping a lot lately and in the few moments of agonizing lucidity he tried not to give away how greatly he wished for the darkness to come back and reclaim him, and failed badly. Not that there was anything else for him other than the darkness right then.

The moment Tamara had run into his quarters three days ago, she could have sworn that her heart stopped beating. Eli hovered with frantic uncertainty, asking what was wrong, but there had been no time to answer as she knelt next to Nicholas, trying to pry his hands from his head, untangling his fingers from the bloodied mass of his hair. He had been lying with his back arched in an impossible angle, muscles locked, unable to breathe, in a puddle of his own blood; a nightmarish contrast of streaked, smeared red against flesh turned ghostly white, it was dripping from his nose, ears, eyes… His teeth were grit together tight enough for one of them to crack and at that very moment Tamara knew why doctors should not treat their relatives or friends. Eli, with his petrified expression, was the only thing that had stopped her from crying then.

She had been forced to inject Rush with one of the few remaining shots of sedative she had, just to ease him, though if ever there was a need to use it, it was now. There was no way of asking him what was specifically wrong, not that it was necessary. After the long hours she had spent studying medicine via the stones for the past few months, she could perfectly well diagnose the drastic increase in intracranial pressure, one that had probably caused serious damage by now.

Even now she thought it to be the work of God Himself, for the propanolol hydrochloride(*) to be found in the medical cases they were able to salvage from Icarus Base; a miracle unlooked for. Until now it had lain forgotten, packed in a small box in a corner of the med bay, but in a flash of recollection Tamara remembered it was there, and she was racing towards the medical facilities. Back within two minutes, she had treated Nicholas with a dose that would probably have given an elephant a major heart attack. She had to admit that it got a bit blurry after that, but she could vaguely remember Greer and Scott carrying a limp Rush to the infirmary (much closer as it was than the med bay) and a frantic bout of CPR. There had been people in her way at some point and she knew she had shouted for them to get out but for the life of her she couldn't remember who it was.

Afterwards, there was stillness and Tamara remembered tears of fatigue and relief tumbling down her cheeks and onto the bloodied cloth she was trying to clean him up with at least a bit. Whatever miracle occurred, whatever prayers were answered, Rush made it through the rest of that day, his heart barely beating. For once, that was a good thing. It was a drastic method, she knew, but his CPP was now low enough not to cause further damage and maybe, just _maybe_, there would be no permanent brain dysfunction.

It was Eli who had seen him fully wake up for the first time, after sixteen hours. TJ was taking a nap on one of the med-beds, but she was by their side in a record time after hearing the younger mans' excited voice calling her from Rush's bedside. The scientist was blinking rapidly, a woozy expression gracing his features and he wisely didn't try to sit up.

"Welcome back," she said, checking his pulse. A bit too slow but not bad, all things considered. He didn't answer, didn't look at her and TJ found herself frowning. He always spared her at least a glance, always acknowledged her. He knew she treated that as an 'I'm fine' message.

"Doctor Rush? Can you hear me?" she asked.

"I can hear you perfectly fine," he muttered hoarsely, still not turning towards her. Instead, he raised his hand in front of his face and stared for a moment. His eyebrows drew together in a confused and disturbed manner. "There seems to be a problem with my sight, though."

TJ took out her flashlight and checked his pupils, like she had done so many times before. They didn't even budge and she scrambled for something to say, something that would sound optimistic. She had nothing so she informed him of the lack of reaction.

"What?" Eli asked in a confused manner. "Is he blind? But why? What does that mean?"

"It means," Tamara sighed and glanced at Rush, who turned his head in her general direction, unseeing eyes fixed somewhere near her right shoulder, "That the intracranial pressure is too great and it's effecting the soft tissue. In other words, it's causing damage to his brain."

They were all silent for a moment, until TJ gathered her wits to run some simple tests of the Doctor's reflexes. She snapped her fingers a couple of times next to his ears, told him to move his hands and toes. All seemed to be fine and she decided it wasn't as bad as she first thought it might be.

"What's your name?" she asked him finally, helping him to a sitting position. His frame was light and bony, she could count his ribs through the shirt he was wearing.

"Doctor Nicholas Rush," he answered patiently, tentatively touching the side of his head, where the dressing had been applied to his wounds. She slapped his hand and Rush put it in his lap obediently. "What is my name?" she asked in return. He opened his mouth to answered and… hesitated. Only for a second, still, it was enough. "T-tamara. First Lieutenant Tamara Johansen," he said with a note of uncertainty. She pressed her lips together for a moment but, not wanting to upset him, confirmed with forced enthusiasm. "Very well. It seems that the pressure is only affecting certain areas. Still, the longer this is left unattended, the more threatening it gets. As soon as we get back on Earth, you need professional medical attention."

He only nodded his head, not saying anything. His face was pale and set in a grim frown. There was sweat on his forehead and Tamara could plainly see his head was killing him. "Try to rest, ok?" she said and ushered the hovering Eli to leave Rush alone. They walked out hand in hand and stopped in the corridor.

"When are we arriving at the Supergate?" TJ asked the young man quietly. For once, Eli seemed to understand where the question was coming from and what her worry implied.

"A little over four days. But even if we manage to cross to the other side, I don't know how long it will take us to get to Earth. Rush estimated about six days, depending on the gravitational fields in that area of the Galaxy…" TJ had to stop his prelude to nerd-rambling with a hand put upon his shoulder.

"It's ok. I'll figure it out," she said, forcing a smile upon her lips, trying to believe it herself.

Since then, she tried very hard to hide her lack of enthusiasm, especially in front of Rush, Eli and Park, who was the only other person visiting Nicholas on a daily basis. Still, she was almost certain that they could all see the change in her attitude. Eli, the sweet boy he was, also hid his worries and acted as if the situation wasn't serious at all – he probably had a lot of practice at home – but Tamara could plainly see that he was avoiding talking to her, almost as if he thought that she was just waiting to provide him with some bad news. Not that there were many occasions for any kind of conversations. Over the last few days she had been spending all of her free time on Earth, going through tons of books, talking to some really experienced doctors and so far all she learned was that time was of the essence if they wanted to save the man's life and mental capability.

Rush stirred again and she could see his eyes open slowly, panic setting on his features for a brief moment. When it passed, he sighed and pulled himself to a sitting position, rubbing at his face and grimacing.

"Hello," she said quietly to let him know that she was there. He nodded in response and threw his legs off the side of the bed. "How are you today?" Tamara asked, coming near him as he got up from the cot.

"You really need to ask?" Rush answered bitterly and started feeling his way to the door with shaky hands, making baby steps in the general direction of the exit. "Head's a bitch, left leg keeps twitching in the oddest of times and there's this tingly sensation behind my eyes…"

"Hm, haven't heard that one before," TJ said a bit too cheerily but he ignored it, doing his best to avoid a table which he bumped into at least three times in the past two days. "You know you're not supposed to be walking around on your own?" She continued in a scolding manner, like she did every time he left his bed. She knew she couldn't really stop him without risking an angry outburst that might raise his blood pressure dangerously, so she confined herself to gentle fretting.

"Yeah, well, as long as my legs are fully operational, I refuse to use the bed-pan. I don't need my eyes for pissing. _Goddamn it_!" he exclaimed, as his hip hit the side of the table. TJ rolled her eyes and walked up to him, gently grabbing his elbow and leading him slowly to the door.

"Oh, that explains why every time I had a guy over, the toilet seat was all wet. They just got a sudden blindness attack, every one of them! Ah, the mystery is finally solved!"

"Ha, ha, hilarious. Maybe they were all just a messy bunch who get confused a lot when their mommy's not around. Kids your age tend to panic. Especially boys."

"So not funny!" she pouted and realized he couldn't see it, so she punched the arm she was holding. "Everett…"

"Oh, no!" Rush exclaimed and made a theatrical face of fright. "I don't have the wish to know Young's toilet habits."

"I wanted to say that Everett was always saying the same thing." Tamara said, stifling a giggle.

"About pissing? That's just plain odd now." He made a mock-confused face and smirked.

"No, stupid! About the 'my age' thing. I'm only what, ten years younger than you? Why do you keep insisting that people my age are immature?"

"Because they are. Just look at Lieutenant Scott with his marvelous approach to women. I could give you a dozen examples. I have a firm belief that maturity begins at least at thirty five. And I think it might be a middle-age-crisis thing to say in Young's case."

"Oh, you middle-aged men tend to have odd theories about life. We're here." She stopped and let go of his elbow, discretely making sure that he was holding on to something for support. As she waited, Tamara had to wonder about the ease with which they were talking lately. She still had problems with believing that this was the withdrawn, angry Doctor Rush who had stalked the Icarus Base or snapped at anyone who dared to enter the Control Room. None of them would actually think that he might have such wit and great sense of humor. He was never eager to talk about himself, and it wasn't like any of them made any effort at all to get to know him after the first official debriefing at the beginning of the Icarus Project. He made it painfully clear then that he did not wish to be friends with anyone on the base, especially the military. Back then it had been of little importance to her, she had more interesting things to think about than some tiny, grumpy man who thought himself better than everyone else. Only now was she beginning to scratch the surface of the iceberg that covered his real self, and it was breaking her heart that she would probably never have a chance to become friends with him, to know him better and to let him know her as well.

The swishing of the door pulled Tamara out of her thoughts and soon Nicholas emerged on shaky legs. He was pale and sweaty, a faint odor of vomit coming with every labored breath.

"Didn't manage to keep the lunch down?" she asked sympathetically.

"Didn't manage to keep _anything_ down lately. I really miss toothpaste at times like this. Come, let me walk you back to your workstation, Tamara," he said lightly and smiled. Not with a smirk, not with a barely visible raise of one corner of his mouth. A full smile, creating dimples in his cheeks. In that moment all humor left her.

"Stop pretending," she said, her voice heavy.

"What do you mean?" he asked in return, brows raised. The smile was still there.

"Stop pretending that you're happy and that everything is ok. You think you can hide that you're sick and miserable and scared? You're not alone with all this, just let us be there for you. You have friends, real friends who don't care for the show of health and carelessness. This is so unlike you!"

"So it's more like you, is it?" he snapped, fake merriness gone in an instant, replaced by an angry look in his unseeing eyes and deep frown. Tamara stared. She wanted to ask what he was talking about but he beat her to it.

"Since I woke up there has not been one sincere moment. All you, Eli and Park do is tell me how it's great that I'm _only_ blind, that we'll fix it as soon as we get back to Earth. _Bullshit!_ Do you think 'm stupid or something?! I _know_ that it's bad. I _know_ I'm not gonna make it. I never thought that I would be forced to do this again but I'm asking you to _stop_ beating around the bush, for fuck's sake. I'm not a goddamn baby!"

He was now seething, clutching his head with one hand. He couldn't see the shock on Tamara's face and she imagined that he, the most observant man she knew felt very uneasy not being able to read her expression, to gaze into her eyes and read her soul... Damn, he couldn't even walk away for emphasis, he would probably end up getting lost or fainting somewhere. Pity washed over her as she realized how hard it must be for a man like Nicholas Rush to be unable to do anything useful because he couldn't see the screen or remember something small, but probably significant, and to be so totally reliant on others. She remembered that every time his memory failed him in the last two days he would grow silent and distant, as if his brain offended him by not supplying the necessary knowledge.

Tamara sighed. Somewhere in her heart she knew that her happy talk wouldn't lift his spirits.

"You're right," she said finally. She grabbed his elbow and started walking back to the infirmary. "You're not a baby. But believe it or not, my behavior affects not only you. Eli is heartbroken. You think that he would want me to walk around talking about all the nasty stuff that's going on? You want to hear Lisa's guilty crying because she always hated you and now you're dying for us? Well, I don't. So as long as we're alone, I can go completely emo on you with the death talk and all. But for their sake, you better let me pretend that everything's peachy when they're around."

"Fair enough," he answered finally, his face growing tired. They didn't talk the rest of the way.

(*) Propanolol hydrochloride is a beta-blocker used to decrease blood pressure, used in treatment of disorders like hypertension, Tachyarrhythmias or post-traumatic stress disorder. I'm not even sure if it comes in shots but just for the sake of this story, let's pretend it does.


	15. Moments Before

A/N: So, after another small delay, here is another chapter for you :) The next one will be on time, I promise! Also, Lilandriel is fixing the first ten chapters now so the beta-ed version will be uploaded :)

Seriously guyz, the last chapter got only two reviews. Don't get me wrong, these were really great reviews and I really loved them but… need… more… feedback…

Remember that I'm doing this to know how my writing skills are (and because I'm a crazy fan :P) and: YOUR VOICE CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE ;) Not that I'm pressuring you or something ;D

* * *

MOMENTS BEFORE

"…Nicholas, wake up."

The gentle voice pierced the nightmare that popped like a soap bubble. He opened his eyes and, as usual, a disturbingly forceful panic washed over him when the darkness didn't retreat. He felt a soft hand on his arm squeezing reassuringly and he heaved a sigh.

"Sorry for waking you," Tamara said from the side and he turned his head in the direction from which her voice was coming. There was a faintest suggestion of light and shape there and he had to wonder if it was really only his imagination playing tricks on him. Yesterday, when they were alone, he asked TJ about it and she answered that this was probably a projection caused by stress or exhaustion, that at this point there was practically no way for any improvement to show without treatment and even then it was unlikely that he would regain his sight. It annoyed him that his mind was toying with him like that.

"It's okay," he answered, rubbing his eyes. The unpleasant throbbing was already building in his temples. "Is there a reason?"

"Yeah. Colonel Young just radioed me, we're nearing the coordinates you set."

"Hm. Okay then, let's get going." He tried to keep his tone light but already panic was rising in him. These were probably the last moments of what could be considered his life, where both body and mind operated in the same place. This was the last time he was to walk on his own feet, or feel his lungs fill with air… He wished that these last moments would be more memorable, more worthy of the genius he was. But it wasn't to be given to him to read one last book, to write down one more equation, to gaze out the window on the observation deck… He suddenly realized that there were still so many things to be done, places to be seen, puzzles to be solved and none of that would be his share.

Tamara led him down the corridor at a very slow pace, as if she too wanted to postpone for as long as possible the moment when they would walk into the Chair Room. Nicholas, in a rare moment of weakness, freed his elbow from her gentle hold and grasped her slim hand in his so tightly he had to force himself to relax his fingers a tad. She returned the squeeze and he felt his breathing even out. Only now he realized that he's been hyperventilating.

He listened to the sounds of the ship. The ever present hum was surrounding him and after a moment of intense focus, he could almost feel it coursing through his body. He wished that human emotions were not strictly attached to the biological body, to the hormones produced during complicated processes. If only emotions were impulses, he would be able to transfer them into Destiny's system along with his consciousness and bring the whole experience to a completely new, unimaginably wonderful and exhilarating level. He could make the ship his body, feel the mightiness of its splendor and the joy that would come with being all-powerful. In a moment of reflection he wondered if God had his feelings with him or was he also leaving them somewhere...

"Nicholas," he heard Tamara's quiet voice and turned to where he knew her face was. He could swear that there was a faint outline of it visible, as if imprinted in his memory.

"Yes?" he answered and had to swallow. He didn't recognize his own voice.

"I want you to promise me something."

"What might that be? There isn't much I can promise at this point." There was a pause and Nicholas realized that it must be a difficult moment for her and that he wasn't making it any easier.

"I… want you to promise me that you will come back to your body after we cross the Supergate. That you will give me a chance to save you."

It was his time to pause. He heaved a sigh and lowered his head.

"This is a big… no, a _huge_ thing to ask."

"I know."

"The pain… Tamara, you can't _imagine_ the pain…"

"I know," she interrupted him as he was taking a breath to continue. "I really do. But _please_, do it. Let me do everything in my power to keep you alive and mentally capable. Believe in me. _Trust_ me."

At this point, he had to laugh. The dry bark of it carried down the hall.

"This is cruel, you know?" He asked, bitterly. "Not only for me, but for you, too. How can I say 'no', if you're asking me to trust you? That's cheating, I can't win."

"Yeah," he could hear the humorless huff of laughter escape her, "I ran out of fair-play moves."

Nicholas stopped abruptly in the middle of the corridor. He turned to face her and found her arms with his hands. He set his face in a serious, heavy frown and said, slowly and deliberately:

"I don't know why, but…okay. But… Yes, there is a but – there's always one in this twisted world. _But_ you need to promise me something, too. If I return to my body, you try to save me and at some point you _know_ that you are either unable to keep me alive or sane, and I mean total, absolute mental and physical health, you will end my suffering. Then and there."

He could feel her flinch under his touch at his last words but he remained firm, blind stare fixed somewhere in front of him. It felt like forever before she uttered a barely audible "'kay." He answered with a dry twisting of his mouth into some resemblance of a smile and rubbed her forearm before dropping his hands and allowing her to take his elbow and lead him to the Chair Room.

For some reason, he didn't feel as nervous as he did just a moment ago.

Tamara was feeling awkward, yet incredibly annoyed. There were people hurrying by to their designated posts as they made their slow way to the Chair Room, and each one of them either slowed down and stared at Nicholas, or picked up speed and lowered their eyes not to look at him at all. She could imagine him hearing the change in approaching footsteps and wondered what thoughts were going through that genius mind of his. And at that she became even angrier, because her imagination is pretty good.

His lips were a thin line and his brows were hanging low above his eyes, giving him an almost angry look. Deep shadows loomed across his face but she could still see the light in blind eyes which flicked sideways a fraction every few seconds as if he was looking at something that was only visible in his mind. _Figures, _she thought,_ the guy is probably reading a book imprinted in his memory or something, trying to distract himself_.

She felt nervous. Probably for the both of them. The radars had already shown the first ship, what was probably a patrol vessel, and Colonel Young anticipated some heavy fire exchange with what might be a fair number of battle ships. Yes, the _Destiny_ possessed dozens of small guns along its body but they were as nothing when it came to fighting a full-size battle ship. For that, there are supposedly some huge cannons that none of them had seen yet but Rush said that only three of them are functional and even they might not be enough. _At least Nicholas now knows how to boost the energy income,_ she reflected. As soon as they fly into another star, for which they would specifically drop out of the sub-space jump, they would have full reserves to operate both weapons _and_ the shield.

They passed round the corner and Tamara barely managed not to bump into a person walking in the opposite direction. Intending to apologize she looked up, and Jake smiled at her nervously.

"There you are, I've been looking for you everywhere," he said, ignoring Rush completely. The older man stood there awkwardly, not being able to walk away to give them a moment of privacy. Seeing this, TJ squeezes his elbow gently, grabbed his hand and pressed it against the wall. After she was sure he was standing stably on his own, she led Jake around the corner where they faced each other, holding hands.

"I wanted to see you before we enter the alien territory," he said finally.

"We're already in the alien territory. But I'm glad that you found a moment. What's your assignment?"

"Steam pressure system monitoring, for the weapons systems. There are robots where I'm gonna be," he answered and there was a bit of childish excitement in his voice. Tamara smiled and nodded.

"Listen, TJ…"

"Yeah?"

Jake rubbed his neck awkwardly and looked at her, suddenly very nervous and extremely serious.

"I just… In case something happens to either of us, I just want you to know… I think I love you."

Tamara was speechless. She definitely hadn't seen that one coming. She knew that Jake liked her and was attracted to her – that much he had shown every time they had sex - but she would never have suspected him of having any kind of deep feelings towards her…

"…Okay," was all she managed to utter. They stared at each other for an uncomfortably long moment and then, as if he was an angel, Rush stumbled from around the corner.

"Lieutenant, I don't have all day. Either take me to the Neural Interface or find someone who will." She didn't miss the way he called her 'Lieutenant', for the first time in weeks, and she was certain that he heard every word of their conversation and was actually deliberately pulling her away from this weird encounter. A wave of gratefulness swept over her.

"Coming, Doctor Rush. Just a sec."

She looked at Jake again and the disappointment written all over his face overwhelmed her. She smiled sadly and gave him a quick peck on the lips.

"We'll talk about this later," she said and spun around, not waiting for an answer. She grabbed Nicholas by the arm and dragged him away to disappear down one of the corridors. Only when she was certain that they're out of Jake's sight, she slowed down to a bearable pace. Nicholas looked like he's ready to collapse.

"Sorry for that," she muttered and gave him a moment to gather his strength, even as she fought to compose herself.

"Don't worry about me. Worry about him. You could've handle it better." He didn't bother trying to hide the fact that he's been eavesdropping shamelessly and she knew he was making an effort to help her. So uncharacteristic of him, Tamara almost felt special.

"Yeah, I screwed up big time." She answered. "What was I thinking? 'Okay'?! God, I'm such an idiot!"

"You're a lot of things but you're definitely not an idiot," his voice was quiet but stern. "You were simply unprepared."

"Yeah, he sure did surprise me. I mean… I thought I made myself clear that this isn't any sort of serious deal for me, that this is just temporary. And then he comes up with something like that. Seriously, where did _that_ come from?"

"Tamara," he sighed, "One can't control ones' feelings. You've been dating for a while and in a closed off, unsafe environment like this ship most people act completely different than normally."

"Exactly!" TJ flailed her free hand and he turned his head in her direction to unconsciously identify the movement. "Doesn't he realize that we would never even hook up like that on Earth? Sure, he's a sweet guy, but this would never have _any_ chance of succeeding in normal circumstances. What did he think he would accomplish by that?"

Rush sighed again, shaking his head and Tamara felt like she did when she was eight and the teacher was showing his disappointment at her lack of basic knowledge. A random thought entered her mind: what kind of teacher was Rush, back in the times of his academic career?

"You need to understand," he said patiently. "He is a civilian, one of the people that have only vague idea about what's going to happen today. He only knows that we either go home or die, as far as I know Young didn't explain to them in detail what's going to happen. I can imagine that in face of this kind of uncertainty he didn't want to risk _not _telling you. That's a coping system of sorts. They're all preparing."

They both fall silent, TJ mulling over what he said. _He does have a point, most of the crew knows the bare minimum about what's going on_. And Tamara realized that if it was her suddenly in love with a guy and having a prospect of dying in the near future, she would probably do the same thing. That didn't mean, though, that she couldn't feel uncomfortable with the situation.

"What am I supposed to do now?" she asked finally with a degree of uncertainty.

"I told you before," he said and smiled sadly, his eyes directed straight at her face, like he could see it perfectly. They were tired and wise. "Always consider the greater good."

Tamara let out a sad, quiet laugh.

"That doesn't help, you know."

"It will, in the end. You'll figure it out on your own." He reached out and patted her hand, the one holding his arm. There was something in his eyes that Tamara had never seen there before, something warm and gentle and kind, making her feel reassured. That was the look her father used to give her whenever her world was crumbling around her and she ran to him for help and advice. It had always made her feel that there was someone who believes in her and it did now, too. Her eyes filled with tears of gratitude that he couldn't see, so she whispered a 'thanks'. He didn't acknowledge it and that was a cue for her to start acting normal again; no more mushy-friendly talking.

Eli was frowning. Nothing seemed to be as it was supposed to be. Granted, all systems were operational, but most of them just barely. Every diagnostic session they ran since the morning showed some unforeseen problems that require people to fix them instead of doing their own things… Young was grumpy and since Rush was still not there, he was taking it out on everyone else. Especially him. _Why in hell does everyone think I can fix things?_ Or organize things? The same scientists that were forever calling him a child were now asking him for directions. Which, by the way he was unable to give.

By the time TJ entered the Chair Room with Rush, Eli was about ready to bolt, leaving everything to its own course. Luckily, the moment Rush walked in, all focus shifted towards him and Eli felt relieved beyond belief. The relief didn't last long.

"Eli," Rush called out, ignoring everyone else including Young, who was about to begin his tirade regarding the lack of preparation the science team was showing. "Status, please."

Eli sighed, made a face – for the first time he didn't have to worry that Rush will scold him for that – and said loudly:

"We're just nearing the star, so whatever power we're lacking will be replenished. Still, the sub-space jump apparently overheated the core so it's leeching on power like crazy for cooling. There are some…"

"Not what I meant, Eli," Rush interrupts him. "I will run my own check. The communication program."

"Oh, yeah. That." Sure, why bother telling him earlier _not_ to run the diagnostics – he'll do it himself. "We wrote a simplified version, our communications will reach you regardless of your occupation. Still, we didn't exactly have the opportunity to test it, so... We'll just have to see how it goes."

"That's fine. Anything else I should know, anyone?"

"Yeah," taking the opportunity, Young came closer to Rush, who was already seated in the chair. The doctor raised his head to look somewhere on the left to the Colonel's elbow. "Scott is in the Control Room with Volker, he's responsible for the weapon maneuvers. He knows what he's doing so don't give him a hard time doing his job."

"Of course," Rush answered mildly and they all looked at him as if he sprouted a random limb from his forehead. His face was relaxed, almost bright, the tone of his voice matching it perfectly, as if he had nothing to worry about in the near future. Only after a moment, Eli spared a glance at TJ (to possibly exchange a WTF?! look with her) and frowned. The medic was crouching next to her oversized med-kit, apparently checking its content. Her face was serious, almost annoyed, and she didn't even look anywhere near Rush. She was apparently unimpressed by his sudden display of cheeriness and it took the Math Boy a second to realize that she actually didn't like it. He shifted his gaze back to the Doctor and observed the calm exchange between him and Young about some shield-related topic.

The first thing that gave him away was the tick. The move of the corner of his mouth that creates a deep dimple in his cheek. An unmistakable sign of uneasiness.

Then there was the slight trembling of his hands as he moved his hair from his face. It might be the exhaustion but then he wouldn't try to suppress it. And he sure as hell was making the effort to.

For the last sign, Eli had to wait a few minutes. Only when TJ approached him, did it happen. The moment she touched his temple to remove a piece of gauze serving as the dressing, Rush dropped the fake smile. His face was still a mask of calmness but as the gauze was taken away and he turned his head for her to remove the other, the shadows around his eyes deepened and his brows dropped a fraction. His unseeing eyes were now fixed on one imaginary spot – Eli hadn't realized until that moment that they were moving almost imperceptibly the whole time, as if he was studying something in front of him.

His acting skills are failing him.

With that realization, Eli felt his inside twist in nervous anticipation as well. Rush would enter the system in a few minutes and lead them to their fate. They all speculated about the alien encounter possibility, but Eli knew perfectly how certain both Rush and Young were that the Kiekst'Raaths would try to attack, board and rob the ship, killing everyone onboard in the process.

Not a very encouraging prospect.

By the time Wray entered the room to announce that everyone was at their posts, Eli was freaking out. He missed the way Camille looked at all of them, hope of all the civilians shining in her eyes. He missed the nod she gave Young and the quiet 'good luck' to Rush, who made a weird face and closed his eyes to prepare.

All Eli could think of at that moment was that he had never said goodbye to his mom.


	16. The Doom Exit

A/N: Hiya! See? Right on time, the new chapter :) The next one won't be out as fast, I'm afraid, I've got a ton of work and had to re-write a big part of what I'd written down already, so I'm thinking… next Friday-ish?

Heey, thanks for the wonderful reviews :))) See? It's not so hard to scribble a few words of encouragement or constructive critique, so don't be shy with this one, too ;)

* * *

THE DOOM EXIT

"Okay Eli, you have to calm down." TJ was rubbing calming circles on his arm as the Math Boy stood rooted to the console, rambling about being too late and Young and Rush agreeing being a scary thing. She had no idea what it was all about in the long run, but she could imagine that there would be many more of these panic attacks around the ship in the near future. She had one this morning herself. Hell, even Everett looked like he was about to go looking for a paper bag to breathe into.

They had emerged from the star a moment ago and already the radar was showing two small ships before they jumped into a small FTL jump. She wondered what would await them at the end of it. As far as Rush knew, the Supergate was located in the exact center of the Kiekst'Raaths territory. He created a pixel map in the communication window on the console for them to see it and they all had to admit it didn't look good. She wondered also how it was possible for him to remember it with such accuracy; he had mentioned to her that the information he had received from the S'hottoss was vague at best.

From what he had been told, the Kiekst'Raaths were a nasty bunch of renegades that evolved from a long dead line of S'hottoss warriors. Since this solar system had only one habitable planet, a huge population was living in colonies built on asteroids and rock formations scattered after a moon explosion of unknown origin.

The console beeped and they both glanced at it to read the message.

_[Rush]: __We are about to drop out of FTL. Scott, ready?_

There was a momentary pause and another message popped up with another beep.

_[Scott&Volker]: __Yup. lets rock! good luck guyz ;) _

TJ smiled. The messenger was a simple tool that displayed a message on all consoles it was linked to and so she and Eli, Young, Greer, Wray, Peterson, Park and Scott were able to know everything that was going on. It made her laugh the first time she saw it, how Eli and Scott chatted for a while as if they were on MSN, with emotes and all. What was weird, neither Rush nor Young were doing anything to stop it. Everett even used a smiley once. Greer thought it was hilarious.

_[Young]: __TJ, head to the Observation Deck, I need you to keep an eye on the people there_

_[Eli]: It's TJ, C__olonel, I'm on it. - _ she typed on the laptop Eli was using for writing messages and smiled at the boy, who seemed to be fairly all right at the moment. As she was leaving, she looked at Rush's body, sitting in the Chair. He looked as fine as one can while being held in place by metal bolts. There wasn't really much she could do for him at the moment. Making sure for the last time that the case she brought to the Neural Interface Room earlier was safely strapped to the side of the console, she grabbed her designated portable pad and headed for the Observation Deck.

All the technicians were on their assigned posts, the military personnel were located in strategic places in case of boarding, but there were still many people that were never supposed to be stranded on this ship, that had no skills useful during a space fight. Some of them decided to stay in their chambers but mostly they just gathered here, from lack of a better place to go.

As soon as she entered the room, she spotted James in the far corner with a gun pressed to her chest and she waved at her. The other woman waved back and smiled but as TJ was about to make her to her friend, there was a shift in the air that was an indication of them dropping out of FTL and the Space in front of them came to a stop. They all stared.

In the far distance, there was what looked like an enormous city hanging in nothingness. Domes and cubes of what seemed to be habitable structures were attached to huge chunks of rocks, tens of them. It was a crazy variation of shades of grey, black, brown and red mixed in a totally random manner. There was a good half of a spaceship incorporated in one of the hubs, it looked suspiciously similar to a S'hottoss pod.

And there were the battle ships, of course.

There were at least four that they could see, smaller vessels suspended between them. They looked surprisingly streamlined and TJ had to appreciate the irony of them being built by a race whose members looked like bags of bricks.

There whispers began amongst the civilians, and one question was being repeated by almost everyone:

"Where's the Supergate?"

All they could see so far was the cluster of buildings but, indeed, there was no sign of any circular object. Tamara grabbed her pad and typed a quick message:

_[TJ]: Im on the observ. deck wheres the gate? _

After a moment the screen lit with an answer:

_[Rush]: It's there. _

_[Rush]: You worry about the ships, I'll handle the gate._

TJ smiled at the simple message and in one swift movement climbed on a bench in the middle of the room.

"HEY! People!" she shouted to get everyone's attention. As all eyes turned to her, she said loudly: "No need to worry, Rush says that the gate is there. He'll try to connect to it but in the meantime we have to brace ourselves for what these ships are about to serve us. For security reasons please go to your quarters and stay there until further notice! You know the drill, people, let's go!"

Talking and questions erupted after her announcement, but the three soldiers that were in the room were already directing people towards the exit.

The last of the civilians were just leaving the Observation Deck as the first shot hit _Destiny_. An enormous tremor shook the ship and swept them from their feet. It was difficult to get up; the first blast was followed by at least four more. As she finally found something to hold on to, she pulled herself up facing the window, she had to pause for a moment.

There was a huge hole in the ship.

Well, not huge but big. Definitely bigger than what she would expect on a hull that had been fine just a moment ago. It was perfectly round, about 60 yards in diameter, positioned exactly in the middle of the narrow part of the ship. Only after a moment did the mysterious hole reveal what must've been the biggest cannon Lieutenant Johansen has ever seen. It emerged slowly, with a audible squeal of unused gears. From what TJ could hear, the other two cannons were being prepared at the same time, the horrid sounds were coursing through the entire ship, she could feel the vibrations through the deck. The one in front of her began turning slowly, aiming for the nearest battle ship.

"_Seriously, how awesome is that?"_ TJ heard somewhere to her left and spun to see a kino hovering near the glass wall. Apparently Eli didn't want to miss all the fun.

"_It's almost__ like the Star W…"_ TJ didn't catch the rest of the sentence, as a short but shrill sound of power cumulating, followed by a deafening blast as the cannon fired. What was odd, there was very little lightning, the projectile was formed of a tiny ball of light, almost as tiny as the ones fired by the smaller guns. It was almost disappointing to look at, as it made its way in the direction of the alien ship. TJ felt unease form in the pit of her stomach – if the cannons were not fully operational, they were seriously lacking in the defense department. She was about to grab her pad and write the info to Everett but at that exact moment the pitiful light ball hit their opponent.

The wave of power was visible, as it travelled through the vacuum, throwing the smaller vessels that were circling the ship off their course. The shield fluctuated wildly at the contact and a big piece of metal parted from the body of the alien space-craft. There was a moment of stillness and then TJ could hear another blast from below Destiny.

Her pad beeped. She glanced at it and smirked.

_[Scott&Volker]:__ looks like are about to own their asses! ;)_

Deciding not to waste more time, TJ left the Observation Deck, making her way to the sleeping quarters of the crew amongst the tremors of alien blasters hitting their shield. So far it all looked fairly well but TJ remembered their previous alien encounter, all the damage and wondered how long will they be able to hold.

Tamara felt heavily useless at the moment. She didn't have any assignment other than tending to the potential injured, and since everywhere she went the civilians looked fairly secure, the only thing she could do was to keep coursing down the corridors. The anticipation was rising in her and _nothing was happening._ Except for the constant tremors, there was nothing. No information from Rush about the gate, no report about alien ships destroyed, nothing – the uncertainty was driving her insan.

In the end, TJ decided to go check up on Rush and turned in the direction of the Chair Room. As she was crossing the entryway, there was a loud, terrible crashing sound; the whole ship titled suddenly and she felt herself falling. Light erupted before her eyes as the doorframe struck her temple and all went dark.

The first thing she felt was that her back was cold. She was lying on something hard and chilly, only after a moment of confusion she realized that it was the metal floor. There was a strange humming noise coursing through it and after a moment it shook violently. She grunted and raised her hand to her eyebrow. It hurt like hell. There was also an uncomfortable, painful pressure in the area of her lower ribs. Bruised, she thought.

"Hey, TJ," she heard and made an effort to open her eyes. One was puffy and caked with blood so she didn't' try to pry the eyelid apart. She focused her fuzzy, one-eyed gaze on Eli's worried face and did her best not to wince as the ground shook again. "You ok?" the Math Boy asked.

"Nhhh.,, yeah. Help me up," she answered and Eli grabbed her outstretched hand, supporting her by the shoulder. "What happened?" she asked groggily, checking her ribs with tentative fingers. Yup, definitely bruised, at least they didn't feel broken.

"We got hit badly and you hit the doorframe. You passed out for a few minutes."

"What's the situation?" TJ looked at her pad and with disappointment discovered that its screen was cracked beyond repair.

"Well, since the hit that knocked you out we're getting it badly, the shields won't hold long. At least that's what Brody says. One of the big cannons got smashed and one is failing as we speak, so unless Rush manages to connect to the gate in, like, ten minutes, we're seriously screwed. Oh, and the neural interface is going crazy."

"What do you mean it's going crazy?" Tamara asked forcefully and made her way to the console on unsteady legs.

"Exactly that. It wasn't meant to enable entering the ship's systems so basically it's working backwards. Rush ignored _all_ safety protocols, re-programmed a big part of the interface so it's freaking. I have _no_ idea what's gonna happen or when, and Rush isn't responding."

"Damn it!" TJ hissed. "This is very, very bad!"

Helplessness flooded her, she felt like she was drowning in it. The great plan she created was crumbling before she even had a chance to do anything! All the consults with field doctors, all the hours spent in various hospitals… All for nothing? The ship shook violently and she cursed again, hitting the console. As if offended, it beeped at her.

_[Rush]: I am beginning the dialing sequence. __It will get hectic in a while._

_As opposed to?_ She wondered.

"Geez, finally," said Eli, standing next to TJ. He was holding his kino console and he moved closer so she could see what was going on. The screen was showing the view from the Observation Deck; apparently Eli had kept the camera there when TJ left. There was a cracking sound coming from the small speaker, something had been damaged along the way. The image was also flickering from time to time.

From what they could see, Destiny was moving very slowly in the direction of the colony. They had already passed the first asteroid that was also firing at them with a small cannon, other ones seemed to be armed as well. As soon as they entered shooting range, every cluster began heavy fire. The tremors were getting stronger in a rapid succession.

_I guess that answers my question_

Suddenly, _Destiny_ made a sharp turn and a huge structure came into view.

"Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?" Eli asked, his expression one of shock. TJ stared as well. She didn't answer.

"Why are we heading towards a FREAKING DEATH STAR?" Eli shouted in this specific manner of a person who thinks the world suddenly turned against him. Tamara honestly couldn't blame him.

There was a noise just on the verge of hearing. A barely noticeable buzz that was followed by the unmistakable, although deeper sound of a chevron being engaged. In the same moment a big chunk of what Eli called _'the Death Star'_ separated form the main body of the structure, revealing a huge glowing element.

"Whoa!" Eli said, amazement written all over his face and Tamara couldn't agree more. "The aliens built their home around the Supergate? Do they have a death wish?"

"Maybe they didn't know?" TJ supplied but kept staring as another chevron disrupted the whole structure of the Kiekst'Raath's colony. Suddenly the screen went black but the image returned a second later; someone had crossed the field of vision of their camera.

"There are people on the Observation Deck. C'mon, let's go too," Eli said, already walking to the door.

"Eli, wait! What about Rush? Aren't you supposed to monitor everything here?"

"I've got the console with me, there's nothing much I can do anyway. Let's go!"

They ran. TJ was silently cursing her aching ribs the whole time but she had to admit that it was worth it. When they arrived at the Observation Deck, it was full of people. TJ spotted Everett and moved to his side in front of the glass wall just in time for him to catch her as the ship titled again. Sparks flew above their heads and an unpleasant sound of cracking metal erupted somewhere in the distant corridors. Steam was hissing in the corner of the room and for a second TJ wondered if Jake was ok.

"Here we go, all or nothing," Young said to her loudly to be heard over the sounds of Destiny apparently falling apart and people shouting and talking.

The view in front of them was one of panic and disarray. Small Kiekst'Raaths ships were flying around, trying to attack them or simply evacuating the main cluster that wasn't much of a cluster anymore, rather a huge concentration of metal and rock. As they made their way towards the Supergate that was steadily dialing, there was a swishing sound and one of the battle ships that were still attacking them passed Destiny from above and flew directly in front of it. Several of the civilians shrieked for they hadn't seen the ships before, and from that distance they sure looked impressive. Almost as big as destiny, it looked very threatening with its sleek lines and patches of black metal, not to mention the two impressive lasers aimed straight at them. Lasers that were now powering up to shoot them all to hell.

As panic unfolded around her, TJ watched mesmerized. She wasn't certain who else noticed but the Supergate was just dialing the last chevron.

The roar was deafening and many of them probably mistook it for the laser blasts. But as the huge guns were about to fire, a blinding blue vortex erupted behind the battle ship, swallowing it in one swift thrust. They have all seen the gate coming to life before but this, the enormous power soaring only a hundred meters before Destiny, was beyond imagination. As it retreated towards the Supergate, all around them seemed to still to a complete halt. There were no cannon shots, no tremors, no flashes of light. Complete silence swallowed them all, the ships, the Universe. They all stared at the sea of blue.

And then Destiny began moving, the whole world coming back to life again. They were flying at a steady but fast pace, directed precisely at the middle of the gate, like an arrow shot towards a target. Before they knew it, the ship was breaching the event horizon. Everything was vibrating as they shot through the tunnel with incredible speed, accelerating with every second. At some point they were all thrown from their feet as Destiny began rotating and shaking, its ancient body fighting against forces it was no longer able to fight. Metal was moaning around them and Tamara found herself screaming when a part of the ceiling caved in with mighty groan. A spatter of blood hit her face and she saw one of the crew members, a middle-aged woman previously working in the cleaning team being cut across the chest to a point where one shoulder along with her head were separated from the rest of the body. Tamara squeezed her eyes shut as tightly as possible, holding the rail for dear life.

Suddenly, it was over. They crossed the event horizon and blackness spotted by stars bloomed in front of them. As Tamara stood shakily, the blue light that was illuminating the ship from behind died away and only the starlight beyond allowed her to see the outlines of people moving in the room. They were shadowy figures, moaning and crying and for a moment Tamara feared that there will be too many injured for her to handle, too much to do. But as an emergency light flickered to life, she could see that, actually, not many of them seemed badly harmed. Both parts of the dead body had been thrown to the side of the room by a mighty lurch but aside from that, she could see no one that was unable to stand on their own. She breathed a sigh of relief.

"Is everyone okay?" Everett shouted, rounding the sharp metal that was sticking from the ceiling. It was a miracle that no one else had been pierced by it.

There were cuts and bruises, nearly everyone was in shock, and immediately TJ went into her medic mode, Park and Chloe at her side. In the confusion of the moment, where everyone around them was assessing their status and the situation in general, she didn't even have a moment to realize that they successfully crossed the Supergate.

"TJ?" It was Eli, pushing through the crowd in her direction.

"Wassup?" she said, not turning from the task at hand, inspecting an injured arm that was luckily not broken.

"Message," he said and presented her with his console. Distractedly, Tamara glanced at it and paused abruptly.

_[Rush]: I am now setting course for Earth. __All information shall be accessible through the control hub._

_[Rush]: Estimated time of travel: 198 h 36 min._

_[Rush]: Lieutenant Johansen, I will require your presence in the Neural Interface facility._

"Shit!" TJ cursed, snatching the console from Eli and missing the first key of the virtual keyboard.

_[Eli]: his is tj nick do not leave the system!_

There was a moment of pause before he answered.

_[Rush]: Why, Lieutenant Johansen?_

Now calmer, Tamara had the time to write a full response.

_[Eli]: I have a plan but for it to succeed you need to stay out of your body for a while longer._

_[Rush]: I am afraid that there might be a problem with that. The S'hottoss cube protocols are merging into some of the neural interface failsafe codes concerning the link. It is rapidly overheating and I am afraid that if we don't hurry, I will lose my chance of coming back._

_

* * *

A/N2: I just wanted you to know that all of the mistakes and misspellings in the text messages were completely intentional. Just so you don't have to waste your time on mentioning them ;) _

_And don't forget to tell me, if the action was ok, or if it was boring or marvelous or sucked big time. I crave for your opinion! Here, have a cookie in advance:_

_*gives cookie*_


	17. Not Quite Home Yet

A/N: I'm so, so, SO sorry for the delay! My exams are coming and my Internet dies on me and all the goddamn research for the chapter just got the better of me :( It was hell to write this one, I'm telling ya! You know, since I'm a fact-nazi, I needed to make sure that all the medical stuff there would be accurate and my medicine-student-friend refused to help. But gosh, I feel smart now :P

There might be _some_ bullshit there but if you happen to have any medical knowledge and notice it, just ignore it – just like the people that create all the medical tv shows.

Anyway, enjoy the chapter - a super long one, for all the waiting :)

* * *

_NOT QUITE HOME YET_

Tamara stared as the text was showing on the screen. How could this be going so wrong, so fast? Not even thinking what she was doing, she left the man with an injured arm there, almost running to the door.

"Lisa! Take care of people here! Chloe, you're with me! Oh," she paused for a brief second and turned to Eli, who was just picking up the console she left on the floor. "Eli, tell Rush to wait as long as possible. Chloe, c'mon, no time to waste!"

With that she was out the door, ignoring all the stares and questions, running down the corridor to the Chair Room. After a moment she heard two more pairs of footsteps behind her but had no time to wonder who was the other person trailing Chloe. As she ran into the neural interface room, she wasted no time on further pondering, every second was of essence – there would be no hurrying over what she was about to do.

Luckily, the case she strapped to the console was still there and she had no problem with extracting her equipment. She had made a trial yesterday, when everyone was asleep and so installation of the frame took her only a couple of minutes.

"Whoa, what's that?" she heard Chloe and spared a glance in her direction – a very winded Eli was catching his breath next to the girl, both of them looking at what she was putting together with disturbed expressions.

"It's a stabilizing frame," she answered distractedly, making sure that all the clamps were holding. The frame was built of thin but very inflexible rods, welded together to create a sort of cage with holsters on all eight sides. The cage was secured to the neural interface collar, surrounding Nicholas's head. Tamara cursed her haste as she realized that now she will have a serious problem with shaving the man's head but there was no time to uninstall it. Instead, she extracted the shaver she borrowed from Greer from its' case and began removing his hair with small, inexperienced moves. Maneuvering around the bolts and the frame was difficult and she became frustrated fast.

"Uh… Rush wants to know what you are doing," Eli murmured, watching her with a mix of horror and fascination.

"I'm shaving his head, obviously," TJ barked. She had no way of getting to some patches of his hair. Too bad, she'll have to manage.

"Yeah, but what for? I know his hairstyle was really bad but still…"

"I'm shaving his head to give myself easy access and to help minimize the risk of infection when I bore holes through his skull. On this ship? One of my biggest worries is that he'll die from infection." With that she put the shaver aside and hastily reached for a power drill she was keeping in the medical case.

"Oh my God, you're serious!" Chloe exclaimed, sharing a shocked look with Eli.

"I think I saw Mayers drill a hole in a metal pipe with this the other day," the young man murmured, warily watching TJ as she checked the drill and began fastening it to the frame. Only when she made sure it was completely secure, did she begin disinfecting the shaved areas on Nicholas' head.

"I don't have medical equipment with me, which means I have to make do with what I've got. And if I don't decrease the intracranial pressure, he will die as soon as another swelling occurs."

"I have no idea what that means," Eli said, making a dumb face.

"It means, that after every session in the chair his brain swells a bit. And because a grown man's skull is very inflexible, the brain tissue is being squeezed, thus sustaining damage. _Permanent_ damage, as brain tissue doesn't regenerate. But then there's this thing- the brain is surrounded by cerebrospinal fluid… a brain juice. So if I pump out some of this brain juice, this will relieve some of the pressure, and Nicholas might have a chance."

TJ was too busy with all the preparations to notice the horrified looks Eli and Chloe were giving her. Only when she was about to ask Chloe to come over, did she see their faces, but still paid little attention – the time was running short and the longer it was taking her, the more anxious and uncertain she felt.

"Chloe, when I ask for it, you'll hand me the scissors, one pair at a time, then those tubes that are in the case and a syringe later on. Can you do that for me?" She asked, handing the girl a pair of surgical gloves.

"Y-yeah… ok…" was the answer – an extremely nervous answer. _I don't blame her._

"All right, let's do this," TJ muttered and took hold of the power drill handle, checking to make sure the tool wasn't moving loosely on its rails. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment. This was it, the ultimate test of her medical abilities. This was the moment for which she had been studying day and night for the past several days, weeks even. She had heard of so many field medics who had performed surgeries in most unusual circumstances but she was fairly certain that none of them ever had to perform an extremely delicate head surgery with a power drill on an Ancient spaceship right after a Supergate jump across the Universe.

She busied herself with making necessary incisions, folding loosened skin aside and securing it with surgical scissors. After wiping away the thin film of blood present she could clearly see the white skull and had to suppress a small panic attack.

They all jumped when she pushed the drill button but Tamara kept moving the bit towards her friend's head at an infinitely slow pace. As it reached the bone she was ready to turn the drill off and bolt but next to her Chloe gasped loudly and, surprisingly, it calmed her, making Tamara feel just a tad stronger for doing this without crying or vomiting.

She knew what she was supposed to be expecting but still great relief flooded her as she felt the tiniest push against the momentum of the power drill as the bit bore through the skull. Mostly, she was afraid that she's going to miss it or go too far and damage Nicholas's brain even further. So as soon as she knew that the hole was made, she extracted the bit, at the same time asking for the tube. Chloe handed it to her and watched with a disgusted face as Tamara gently inserted the cannula. The syringe followed and, with more practiced moves, TJ attached it to the tube's end, ever so gently pulling at the piston. After what seemed like ages, a couple of clear droplets were sucked into the syringe and TJ couldn't stop a smile from stretching her lips.

"That's it? I thought there would be more," she heard Eli say and by the strangled quality to his voice she could deduce that he was fighting some serious nausea.

"Actually, it's a lot more than I expected," TJ answered, removing the tube and skillfully detaching the power drill from its holster. She then rounded the chair and continued, installing the drill on the other side of Rush's head. "Hydrocephalus was already setting in, he wouldn't stand a chance. Besides, there will be much more. I still have four more of these holes to make."

"Hydro-what, now?"

"Hydrocephalus," she muttered absently, shifting her position closer to the chair, concentrating on the situation before her. "An accumulation of serous fluid within the cranium, to be precise. Too much fluid indide the skull."

"Is there anything you need?" She heard from the door, and raised her head to see Young watching her grimly. She shook her head no and continued with what she was doing. She could hear Everett taking a few steps in their direction but stopping, probably knowing that he would be in the way if he came any closer. She could also hear whispers from where he was just a moment before and her attention wavered at the thought that Nicholas's colleagues were watching this. "On second thought, close the door," she said finally.

The second hole went much smoother and she was pleased that there was very little extra fluid – it meant that this side of his brain, the short term memory part, was probably less damaged. Maybe even, with time, the memory centre would be supported by the adjoining tissue and the losses would be minimal to none. _I can but hope_. Contrary to her shirt, which was already filthy and would be irreversibly damaged by the time she finished drilling the third entryway. She had to pause as she thought about all the blood splatters and the bone dust that were covering both the shirt and her face. _An excellent example for why doctors should wear scrubs_, she mused. _Maybe when I become a certified medical doctor, I'll earn one of my own…_

She was finishing the fourth borehole and re-installing the power drill to begin the last drilling session when she smelt the smoke. Sparing a moment to take a look around, she almost immediately noticed the source of it – the small S'hottoss cube, or rather its link with the console was melting on her eyes. The cables were now nothing more than wires glued together with molten rubber, sparks flying from them at random intervals. Almost at the same moment, there was a beep from where Eli was standing and he almost immediately went to stand by her side, showing her the hand-held. Avoiding touching it, she leaned down to read what was the message and her blood ran cold.

_[Rush]: Time's up. I'm beginning the transfer._

"NO!" Tamara cried, not thinking that he probably wasn't able to hear her. "Damn it! Uh…" she scrambled for a solution as her options were flashing through her mind. Not performing the last drilling was impossible – the final location was the one where she knew the biggest pool of cerebrospinal fluid was forming. Without draining it, her whole work would be in vain, so the only way was to continue on a conscious patient. Unless…

"Eli," she said, hastily reattaching the drill on the very top of the frame, "go get me some of that venom from the time-planet, it's in the med bay in a labeled container, Park will show you where. As fast as you can. Go! Go!" she rushed him as the Math Boy hesitated. As he ran out the door, she could see a couple of scientists stepping aside to let him through. Luckily, Young closed the door soon after so none of them had the chance to peek inside. TJ turned to Rush just in time to see the moment he tensed and his eyes opened wide, unseeing gaze directed straight at her.

She could clearly see that he was in shock. The pain was not yet registering but he already knew that it would hit in the next couple of seconds. Apparently, whilst he had been within Destiny's systems he'd blocked the neural collar as it was still holding his head in place, along with the frame. She silently thanked God for the man's foresight and wondered briefly if he had been watching the whole operation through some sort of monitoring system.

"Nicholas, please stay calm and try not to move," she said in a soothing voice. She wished she could take his hand but the surgical gloves prevented her from doing so.

"Nngh…" he uttered but TJ hushed him immediately.

"Don't try to speak, it could cause damage. Just… try to relax, okay?" _God, seriously? _

His face was a tragic picture of confusion, and she knew that he was having trouble thinking straight. The shock, caused by such vast invasion of the cranial cavity, combined with the inability to see what was going on, was probably wreaking havoc in the newly re-embodied mind. For a moment Tamara feared that he didn't understand or hear her as his muscles tensed but soon he took a shaky breath and squeezed his eyes shut.

By the time Eli stumbled into the room, Rush was already trembling and sweating with the effort of staying calm, fingers clenching and unclenching around the arm rests, face twisted in pain. All this time Tamara was muttering encouragements, keeping in mind the presence of Chloe and Young, the latter probably being the last person Nicholas would want to overhear something personal.

Eli handed her the jar of venom they had collected on the alternative timeline planet and a syringe, which she was grateful he brought. She had forgotten to mention it to the boy and was afraid that he might not think about it in the rush of the moment. The younger man wheezed a bit and moved away, casting a worried look at Rush's contorted face.

"Ok, Nick," TJ said as she was preparing the shot. "I need you to listen very carefully. I'll give you an anesthetic now but I need you to stay focused and let me know if anything wrong is going on. You might feel an odd sensation at the top of your head, vibration and maybe some pain but it's normal. Chloe? Here, grab his hand. Nick, if you feel something is wrong, squeeze Chloe's hand, ok?" She watched as the younger girl took a tentative hold of Rush's palm and he gave it a light squeeze to confirm. His eyes were now open, a drowsy expression on his face. To Tamara's surprise, he seemed to follow her movement with his gaze for a moment, before she disappeared from his line of sight. That was definitely something to ponder about later on.

As she pushed the drill's trigger, TJ felt sick with worry. What if the collar disengages before she's done? The damage would be deadly. What if the sedative didn't work properly and she was forced to inflict upon him the full magnitude of pain in order to finish? On the other hand, she felt grateful that he was conscious. She shouldn't have gone through with the procedure without him being lucid in the first place but taking the circumstances into account, this was the only way to help him. The venom had very little painkilling properties and a bigger dose would sedate him completely.

She almost stopped the moment the drill touched the top of his head where the vertex was and Nicholas made a strangled sound. In order to continue she had to tell herself that it was only a sound of surprise, that Chloe wasn't warning her… _Everything's all right, Tam, just chill out. You're doing great. Just a few more minutes. _

She kept repeating this mantra until the tip of the bit pushed through the bone. Feeling overwhelming, knee-buckling relief when she was done, she quickly inserted the last tube. It was longer then the previous ones, a bit thinner in diameter and had a sort of padded ending. TJ applied it with special care.

"What's taking so long?" she heard Chloe whisper but kept her focus.

"I can't go any faster," she muttered. "This is a very sensitive area and I need to go a bit deeper. Don't want to damage this brilliant brain of his."

Suddenly, there was resistance as she pushed and she frowned. She should still have a good half an inch to go. This was a bad sign, it might mean a large swelling or a clot or any number of things she wasn't prepared for. She stopped and leaned to look at Rush's face. Surprisingly, he was still conscious, a pained frown turning his lips downwards. Still, he seemed as fine as he should be under the circumstances. Shrugging at Chloe's questioning gaze, she went back to her work, attaching the syringe to the end of the tube. In the process she glanced at her watch. This was definitely taking too long. The last time he had finished using the chair, Nicholas was already well into another convulsive fit. It was probably good that nothing serious was going on yet but Tamara decided that she definitely preferred to be done and ready when anything happened.

"Aaand we're done," she said with a smile, as she gently pulled the tube out. "Chloe, there's a collar in the case, could you pull it out?"

"Yeah," TJ could have sworn that there was relief in both the tone and the springy move the girl made to get to the case. A makeshift medical collar was pulled out as TJ hastily removed the whole frame from around Rush's head and after disposing of her gloves she strapped it around his neck, making sure it was supporting his spine properly. She then took out her radio and spoke to it:

"Lisa, this is TJ, do you read?"

"_I'm here_"

"I need you to send me the stretcher along with four men."

"_I'm on it._"

TJ sighed. The bruises she had received during the jump were starting to ache and she felt suddenly drained, the strain of the last hour falling heavily upon her. With surprise she noticed that Everett was not there and wondered how it was that she missed his departure. Still, Eli hovered near the console, not sure what to do with himself. He seemed to want to leave and yet stay and see what happens at the same time. Chloe joined him and they stood together, watching Rush carefully as TJ removed all the scissors that were holding the skin. It was a job of moments to pad over the mess she had made, sealing them from the air and hopefully eliminate the chance of infection.

She leaned down to be eye-level with Nicholas and again was surprised when he shifted a bleary gaze towards her face. She smiled encouragingly.

"I'll patch you up properly when we get to the med bay," she said in a kind voice. "I want you laying down and resting. Just in case."

He closed his eyes for a long moment and re-opened them, sighing tiredly. There was sweat on his forehead and dried tear streaks on his cheeks. TJ wondered what kind of pain she had put him through but, for now, banished the thought. A bit of pain in exchange for his life was a good deal in her opinion.

Four men came into the room, laid the stretch in front of the chair and TJ thanked them, instructing them to wait.

"Ok, Eli, you can remove the neural transmitter now," she said and took hold of Rush's arms to steady him when the collar moved away. He sagged a bit when it did and Tamara could clearly see the moment when lack of cerebrospinal fluid caught up with his neural system, his eyes glazing and muscles relaxing instantly. She carefully moved him to the carrier, accepting eager help from one of the men, Alan, and they wasted no time in moving him to the infirmary, where a cot had already been prepared. Lisa Park approached her as soon as they walked in. As TJ began carefully removing the temporary padding, she looked at Rush's pained face, the collar and the shaved, bloodied head and then, worriedly at TJ.

"Is he going to be ok?" she asked, wrinkling her nose at the sight of the holes.

"We'll see, so far, so good," Tamara answered. "How are the others?"

"That's why I came. Most of them are ok, some bruises, a few stitches. But O'Hara hit got hit in the chin by her own gun… don't even ask how she managed that, and I think her jaw might be broken. I'm fine with the stitches and all but that's beyond my abilities. She's in the med bay."

"Damn," TJ muttered. She didn't want to leave Nicholas but this definitely had to be taken care of. He seemed fine for the moment; maybe if O'Hara came here, to the infirmary, she could set the bone and keep an eye on him at the same time?

"All right, if you could bring her here and prepare her for me, that would be great. Is there anything else that needs to be taken care of?"

"Nothing much, I'm handling things and some of the others are helping me. We're good," With that Lisa gave her a reassuring smile and went for the door, leaving TJ alone with Rush. Now, positioned horizontally, he seemed much more aware of his surroundings, moving his eyes in the directions from where noises were coming, and all she had to do was tell him to lay still until she came back and installed an IV drip with propanolol hydrochloride to ease whatever pressure would be building.

O'Hara looked terrible with a huge bruise and swollen face, jaw twisted in an attempt to relief pressure on the joint. Park, accompanied by James, eased her onto one of the cots and left, saying that there were some others she needed to check up on. Tamara smiled reassuringly at the injured woman in front of her and informed her of what was wrong and what she intended to do. James stayed by their side, holding O'Hara's hand tightly for moral support and TJ looked at her gratefully – they both had gone through field operations that sometimes ended badly and by now James knew what the best way of helping was, even though she had only the most basic medical training that all military personnel received.

Calmness washed over her. Not only her best female friend was here, TJ could finally focus her mind on something she knew well, something that she felt qualified to do and knew exactly how to proceed. She welcomed the opportunity to sort through her feelings as she manipulated O'Hara's jaw in one swift movement. The woman moaned loudly and Tamara offered her some of their stronger painkillers.

Before Tamara knew it, Lisa was coming in with another patient, one of the civilians who were on maintenance duty; his thigh had been pierced badly by a metal rod and they didn't know how to proceed. Steadily, confidently, she went to work on him, and by the time she was finished there were already two more waiting. Apparently there was far greater damage to the machinery than anyone had expected, and TJ wondered briefly if Jake was ok. Since Park hadn't brought him to her yet, she considered it to be double luck. For one, it meant that he wasn't injured badly enough to become a problem to the other woman. And, she had to admit guiltily, Tamara preferred to avoid him right then. After the love-admitting fiasco she felt wary of the moment they would see each other again. He'd probably ask how she felt about him or, worse, would be distanced and cold and very un-Jake-like. And she definitely didn't want things to end like that. She really did like him so maybe they could work things out? Date a bit more, nothing serious…

"TJ," a male voice interrupted her musings and she raised her distracted gaze from the wound that she was stitching to Colonel Young, who was in turn looking at something behind her with a peculiar expression. "Is he supposed to be doing that?" he continued, and Tamara turned to see Rush trying to leave his cot. He was shuffling his legs with tiny steps, swaying from side to side, the drip stand leaning dangerously on the bed as he was pulling the tube. She stared at him a moment, incredulous, before quickly turning back to her current patient.

"Fuck," she swore and sped up what she was doing – it was the last stitch and she didn't want to keep the man waiting for her to come back. In mere seconds she was done and rushing towards Nicholas, who was moving unsteadily towards the door. She grabbed his forearm with one hand and circled his arms with another, turning him back to where he was supposed to be lying still.

"I told you not to move!" she exclaimed, agitated. "You could've hurt yourself!" Perfect, now she was treating him like a petulant child in front of at least four people! Tamara hoped that he wouldn't remember that later on.

"The… c-course…" he slurred, his 'r' heavily accented, "I haf'ta…"

"No, what you have to do is lie down, this is dangerous for you!" she deposited him back onto the cot and gently forced him to lay down, hoping that the change in position wouldn't elevate his blood pressure too much. Her hopes were short lived, as a tremor went trough his body and his eyes rolled inside his head. A small trickle of blood made its way from his nostril and TJ swore again. At this point, all she could do was to watch him slump and stop his trembling hands from reaching his head.

Tamara was sitting on her bed, shaking. She was exhausted, both physically and mentally, and the brave face she was putting on for the sake of everyone else was slowly crumbling and she'd decided that she desperately needed to collect herself. After tending to all the 'serious' patients (whilst simultaneously keeping an eye on Rush, who fortunately remained on his designated cot, quietly moaning from time to time), she reluctantly left the infirmary in capable hands of Lisa Park and Chloe Armstrong. When she was leaving Young was already gone – probably checking on something else – and TJ made a mental note to fill him in on everything that was happening on later.

There was a metallic knock on her door and a moment later it swished open, revealing the one person she desperately didn't want to see at the moment. Jake tried to smile shyly but his face dropped as soon as he saw her.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, entering and pushing the door button behind him.

Before Tamara knew what was happening, tears were making their way down her face and a heart-wrenching sob escaped her lips. She tried to wipe off the wetness, failing miserably, which for some unexplainable reason made her cry even more.

"I-I can't do this anymore!" she sobbed as Jake sat beside her and circled her with his arms, hugging gently. "I try and try b-but it's too much! I'm not qualified enough for this!"

Jake kissed the top of her head, just letting her vent and Tamara felt incredibly grateful for this silent reassurance – he was there, he would be strong and steady and calm so she could have her moment of weakness. He would be there for her, protecting her, for as long as she needed him to. And she really did need him at the moment, she realized.

"They all said 'no'! I a-asked the best field doctors, dozens of surgeons and they all said they wouldn't do it! Why the hell not? Didn't they want to help?" There was anger rising in her throat with a fresh wave of sobs and she had to stop talking for a moment. She buried her face in Jake's sweat-soaked t-shirt and breathed in his – a tad overwhelming – scent.

"He's my friend, you know?" she asked finally in a hoarse whisper. "I almost couldn't do it, finish the last burr hole. I knew it was necessary but he was in pain and frightened… and then, in the infirmary… He's already having prolonged pressure symptoms. He's going to die anyway. All this for nothing…"

The last part was whispered so quietly, she felt Jake shift to hear her better. At this point she felt spent, no more tears were coming, numbness taking their place. She felt like sleeping for a week.

"Not for nothing," Jake said gently, his voice vibrating in his chest. "You tried, you did all you could to save him. I'm sure he's grateful, that there was someone who wanted to pay him back for bringing us all home. That he wasn't left alone, to die or whatever else. That he had a friend fighting for him."

At this Tamara sighed heavily but with gratitude. She could hear the awkwardness in his voice and knew that he was trying very hard to show her support. Maybe he was right. Maybe she should now focus on being with Nicholas, making his last days bearable. Realizing that, she felt new, refreshed, although a grim sense of purpose filled her heart. She turned her face into his chest; it was all thanks to the sweet man hugging her gently. She did the best job she could of wiping her face with her hands and turned to the man who had helped her come back to the game.

"Listen," she said abruptly, making up her mind. "I can't say 'I love you'. But I want to be able to. Because I think you're a very lovable guy."

Jake smiled at her with a mixture of sadness and hope in his eyes and nodded his head. He then kissed the tip of her nose and straightened.

"Go cool off and take care of him. I hope you'll make an appearance at the party in the Gate Room, just for a moment."

"I'll try. Thanks, Jake," she answered with a half smile and left the room, slowly making her way back to the infirmary.

* * *

A/N2: Hey, you guys liked the cookies! So, how about that: you give me a healthy dose of feedback (was the chapter boring with all the facts or exciting with all the drama?) and I, in turn, give you either a cookie, or a chocolate bar. Sound fair? Here, have a treat:

*holds out a cookie and a chocolate bar*


	18. Salvation

A/N: OK guys, I'm SO SORRY for taking so long with an update… See, I've got my exams now and we're doing extra hours at work because my boss is a tyrant and I have a crappy situation at home and there are million other excuses, honestly. But I did my best with the minimum of free time I had to present you with this chapter. Hope you'll like it ;)

SALVATION

TJ walked down the corridor, listening to the sounds of the ship. Ever since Nicholas first started the repair program, cracking, clanging and scratching sounds were carried through the walls from the far parts of Destiny. Apparently, once finished with the sub-space drive, the protocol moved on to another malfunctioning device, until all listed anomalies were dealt with. For all they knew, this could take forever.

She wasn't sure when the sounds had become soothing rather than scary and annoying. Tamara could remember the sleepless nights when the constant, almost imperceptible hum of the FTL speed had been driving her insane and every other noise had had her on edge. So much had been going on then, the struggle for air, food, everything that most people on Earth had easy access to, or at least any access to at all. On a metal ship these chances were limited, at best. Now they had basically everything they needed, except for meat – they had water, vegetables, spices, fresh air, defenses against attackers… Hell, they even had karaoke.

And soon they would be back home, able to get anything else they wanted. TJ was pretty sure that every crew member would have a burger even before they'd be allowed to leave the SG base. Hell, she herself would kill for a steak. And a real shower. And alcohol that wasn't able to corrode metal.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by quiet voices from down the corridor and as she approached, she could see Scott making a hasty salute and walking off from a smirking Young.

"Hey," she said as she approached him.

"Hi," he answered, turning to her. "Kids these days… The boys want to celebrate tonight. I guess any extensive damage assessing will have to wait."

"Can't blame them. Going home is a pretty darn good reason." They both smiled and started walking.

"How are things in the infirmary?" Young asked and Tamara remembered that she wanted to report to him anyway.

"All looks good. Much less injuries than I suspected. Some broken bones, a lot of flesh wounds and nasty bruises but nothing life threatening. Except for Rush, of course," she finished with a frown.

"How is he?" The question sounded almost casual and if it was anyone else, they would take it as a polite inquiry. But Tamara knew him much better than that. This was the voice he used to mask tension, combined with the slightest downcast of the corner of his mouth.

"To be honest, I have no idea. But if we don't hurry, he might not make it." She watched Everett while saying that and there, she could perfectly see the gleam is his eyes at her last words. Anger rose in her quickly but she suppressed it as best as she could. Of course, she knew that Young and Nicholas weren't the best of friends but she was fairly certain that they had put any animosities behind in order to cooperate for the greater good of getting home. Apparently there was still something hanging between the two, Everett was clearly pleased with the information, even though he tried to hide it.

Tamara had always had a soft spot for the Colonel, even after their breakup. When Nicholas had been missing, she had hoped with all her heart that it was an accident, that there really was a rockslide, that Everett did all he could to help him. And it was easy to keep the hope up with the way the two men acted in front of the crew, calm and civil, the whole shebang. But since they had all come to know that using the chair would eventually kill Nicholas, TJ had this uneasy feeling about Everett being… well, a lying bastard.

Ok, maybe it was a bit too dramatic to call him that. But today, while sitting next to Nicholas, Tamara's thoughts were wandering, in all the bad directions. And amongst the musings about the wounded, Nicholas, Jake, her parents and sister, there was also a traitorous one about why, in the name of God, hadn't Everett done anything useful around the infirmary today. He had been _right there_. But instead of stopping Rush, he had just pointed out his behavior and took off. Come to think of it, he hadn't done anything useful in the Chair Room either.

It was a startling realization that Colonel Young probably still wanted Rush gone, even if he wasn't doing anything to cause that openly.

Tamara looked at him sadly from the corner of her eye as they parted to go down different corridors, each going their own separate way.

_Two days later_

Seriously, this was giving a whole new meaning to procrastination. She was in the infirmary for more than half an hour now and was quickly running out of excuses that would stop her from going to see Nicholas. She could only tend to each of her other patients for so long.

The last time she saw him, he had another mild attack, which was surprising considering that at this point he should either die or fall into a coma, without any real chance of recovery. Instead, he seemed suspended on the border, as if his body was struggling to live and recover. As if he was keeping it from declining with pure willpower – a bizarre option, considering that during the last 48 hours there wasn't one moment when he was even remotely lucid or concentrated.

This is it, Tamara thought. He had become what she knew he would if he lived – a vegetable, an idiot with no intelligence to speak of. The two-days mark had passed and it was the time for her to keep her promise, because even if it pained her, she knew that he would never forgive her, if she didn't keep it. She wouldn't forgive herself. She didn't want him to return to Earth and be seen by his friends and colleagues without the only thing she knew he really valued in himself – his genius mind. It would kill the memory of the great scientist he had been.

And that is why she decided to use the remaining propanolol hydrochloride to stop his heart completely.

Making sure that no one had seen her, she took the drip out of the case and made her way to the secluded area of the infirmary, where Rush was being kept from view of other patients. She secured the curtain behind herself and turned to him, only to see his hunched form sitting on the side of the bed.

She sighed. Ever since the first time he unconsciously tried to leave, they kept finding him sitting or standing next to the cot, his unseeing eyes staring into space. He had never shown any reaction to anything they said or did, allowing either the medic or Park to ease him back into a laying position, feed him, wash him, clean his wounds and attend to whatever else was required. His oblivious indifference was breaking her heart and after a while Lisa offered to take care of him, allowing TJ some time to cope with the situation. And during this time Tamara had made the decision to kill him.

"Trying to run for it again, Nick?" she muttered, standing by his side and laying a gentle hand on his arm to make him lay down.

She had to stop herself from jumping back as he pierced her with an intense gaze.

"Not really," he answered hoarsely and TJ couldn't stop a hitch from escaping her throat.

"Dear Lord!" she exclaimed. "Nicholas, do you know where you are?"

"T-the i-infirmary," his voice was faltering and his brows were drawn together but, miraculously, he seemed completely coherent. TJ also noticed that even the blindness he was sporting before was gone. She raised three fingers and asked him for the number – even though he seemed to have trouble speaking, he didn't hesitate to give her the right answer. Something incredible swelled in her chest and tears streaked down her face as Tamara impulsively wrapped her arms around his lithe form. After a moment he hugged her back with shaking hands.

"This is incredible," Tamara kept muttering, after all that she'd learned about pressure conditions, she was fairly certain that this was impossible, that a miracle occurred. "How long have you been conscious? It can't have been long. Lisa was here like, an hour ago… Nicholas?"

He didn't answer and as soon as she moved away to look at him, his hands fell limply onto his lap. The eyes that were looking at her intently just a minute ago, were now vacant and glazed over, staring at the blanket he was covered with. At this sight TJ felt as if all air was pressed out of her lungs by an invisible weight upon her chest. So this was only a spark of the Nicholas they knew, a left-over of his personality…

Nevertheless, it was still there. And thus, Tamara found herself unable to hook up the drip that lay, forgotten, tangled in the legs of the cot. Not when _he _was still there, even as a faint ghost.

"TJ, is something wrong? It's like you're not here. C'mon, the party is raging ten feet from you and you're just sitting there…"

"It's fine, Jake. Really."

"Uh-huh," he muttered, unconvinced, and sat besides her. They were having another party, this time to celebrate the exact time that it will take them to get in range of the farthest Stargate the SGC had listed. In four days they will be able to reach home, the ship had the route programmed already. But instead of having a good time, like yesterday, Tamara seemed to be sulking in the corner, her gaze thoughtful and subdued. Frankly, Jake was worried.

Yeah, he knew that she was pretty out of it for the past two days, since the rush of them crossing the Supergate shifted into anticipation. And he knew the reason, too. Jake had a serious problem with understanding why someone as gorgeous as her would befriend the snarky Doctor, but the fact was that they _did_ seem to be pretty good friends and as far as Jake knew, TJ wasn't giving the man long.

"So, what's up?" he asked patiently, leaning forward to be able to see her face. She sighed heavily and spared him a glance, before looking at the laughing people in front of her.

"Rush spoke today," she said and shifted uneasily.

"But… I thought it should be a good thing," Jake said, confused. She sighed again and turned to look at him.

"It would be, for someone who's not supposed to be dying of intracranial pressure. And it was only a moment, a spark of consciousness. I don't know what to make of it. I'm confused," the last part was muttered as she dropped her eyes to the small pattern she was tracing in the spilled water on the tabletop. He didn't know how to answer but after a moment TJ continued:

"This whole thing is just too weird. He should be dead by now. Not trying to walk out of the infirmary or have consciousness flashes. I tried talking to some doctors but they all said that maybe I was mistaken, that maybe I misjudged his symptoms… How can you misjudge sudden blindness combined with splitting headaches after what he's been doing? Seriously, a bunch of jerks."

Jake smile– she was definitely worrying too much and in the most adorable way. He circled her arms with one of his own and said, gently:

"TJ, honey, this is Rush you're talking about. You really thought that he would do what was expected of him? For all I know, he could get better just to annoy Colonel Young," he expected at least a smirk at the remark but instead, her expression grew even more clouded, so he tried to save the situation. "Hey, I think that whatever is going on, you should be happy that he's getting better. You can work this out when we get back home."

TJ was about to nod her head but her radio cracked and Lisa Park's startled voice said:

"TJ, I need you in the infirmary!"

"On my way," she was running before she finished the sentence, leaving Jake to stare after her.

She could hear the shouts in the corridor so it was no surprise for her to run into a middle of a fight. There were soldiers in the room, TJ could spot Scott and James from where she was standing – they were holding a struggling Rush. He was seething, doing all he could in his weakened state to get out of their grip. She glanced at whom he was trying to assault and, not surprisingly, she found Colonel Young standing next to a cot, on which an injured airman was lying. As soon as TJ walked in, Lisa approached her and said, hastily:

"Colonel and the others were visiting Simmons, when I went to change Rush's drip. When I moved the curtain, he was standing next to the cot and as soon as he saw Young, he started screaming bloody murder and yelling at Young. I didn't know what to give him so I called you."

TJ nodded and swiftly made her way to the Doctor, grabbing a small bottle and a syringe on the way. His attacks were getting weaker and a small dribble of blood was coming from his nose, smearing around his mouth. He was pale, swaying on his feet to the point, where Scott and James were more of a support than restrain. As Tamara approached him, he moved his dazed gaze to her face and something resembling despair showed in his eyes.

"Tamara," he said pleadingly, "He came to kill me. You must stop him!"

"Nicholas, calm down. No one's going to kill you," she said calmly and, deciding that the sedative wouldn't be necessary, sent Matt and Vanessa away. From the corner of her eye she could see them moving next to Young, who, to her annoyance, seemed unfazed about what was going on.

"HE WILL!" Rush faltered for a moment, taking a deep breath to steady his voice and continued in a loud whisper. "He didn't succeed once and now I'm an easy target. T-this time," TJ could see that he was already loosing consciousness, light leaving his eyes, as his speech changed into slurred muttering. "This time t-there would be… no… rockslide. O-only a shot i-in the head… Not…"

Whatever else he wanted to say, died on his lips, as his eyelids dropped a fraction and his gaze became one of a catatonic. TJ sat him on the cot and turned around. Most of her few heavily injured patients were now awake, watching Young in anticipation of his reaction. Colonel's face was unreadable but TJ could see his hands clenching and unclenching and a dangerous gleam of anger in his eyes.

"I think you should all leave," Tamara said coldly and Scott and James complied hastily. Everett lingered, watching her but TJ ignored him, turning to gather Rush's covers from the floor.

She missed the moment, when Rush's gaze came back into focus and he regarded Young with a calculated, cold glare, before the Colonel stormed out of the infirmary.

A/N2: yeah, I know – cut back on the ANs a bit. I just wanted to be fair and let you know that the next update won't be sooner than the end of next week. But hey, it'll probably be the last chapter! I'll try to make it sure-long and entertaining. For now, I'll just demean myself a bit more by asking you for some lengthy reviews, possibly with a big amount of praise – or any kind of feedback, I'm not very demanding ;)


	19. Bonds

BONDS

TJ was standing in the middle of what used to be her infirmary, looking at the boxes stacked neatly against the wall near the entrance. It took her much too long to sort through everything, separating Earth medications from what she had gathered in her time spent on Destiny. There was much more of the latter – most of what had been salvaged from the Icarus Base had been used during the first three months of their journey , leaving mostly useless junk and some overly used band aids. After their first encounter with the alien virus Tamara had decided to experiment with herbs and natural resources, judgement mostly made based on intuition and on the overall look of what she was using – there was a fair chance that if something looked familiar, it might have the expected qualities. Mostly, this approach had worked for her, although there were two or three instances in which she had to reverse the rather unpleasant outcome of her ministrations.

Now everything she had gathered will be taken back to Earth, where it will be properly examined and perhaps used further.

Maybe they'll even allow her to be on the research team.

TJ getting more and more interested with this field of medicine and she was seriously considering pursuing this direction in her education. Everyone she's been talking to was giving her big 'thumbs up' and she felt quite optimistic. Still, it didn't stop her from feeling a tad nostalgic when thinking about leaving _Destiny_ behind.

So much had happened here that Tamara knew that it changed her forever. It changed all of them. In some strange way, they all considered themselves one big family now, with its problems and fights and whatnots but always around, always there – even if unwanted. What they all had shared on Destiny created a strange, irksome but strong bond that only victims of the same disaster share. When they get back to Earth, they will split, all going their separate ways, coping with everything that had happened in their own ways. And one day, a random two of them will meet somewhere in the street, amongst a crowd of unsuspecting passer-bys and they will remember. Probably passing each other without a word, only with a knowing glance that will hold the weight of the Universe they travelled through. How many of them will have to face their demons like that, TJ wouldn't know, But she wished with all her heart that it would be as few of them as possible. The pain that had grown between them was too great to re-live in the eyes of others.

She, as the medic, had been hearing a lot of tales during her service. All of her patients had plans, wanted to do things. But in truth, there were very little specifics in what her patients were telling her. Most of them were probably scared to find out that they would feel more lost at home than they did billions of light years away from anything familiar.

Tamara knew that Vanessa was thinking of leaving the Air Force and chasing her dreams – only she couldn't name even one to chase after anymore. Scott wanted to get to know his son a little but didn't want to settle – he and Chloe wanted to start a new life – what it would be, none of them could say. Eli wanted to study but had no idea what. Greer was thinking of going on more missions but couldn't name one place he would feel needed in. Young wanted to try winning his wife back but didn't know how and had no other plans aside from that. Tamara herself wanted to finish medicine but kept wondering where and when.

Only Rush seemed to know exactly what he would do. Ironically, the only person that had a purpose in life, still, was staying on Destiny.

He didn't say much about that, too. He mentioned a contract but didn't go into details. He probably wouldn't have said anything if it wasn't for the fact that he hadn't been in the best frame of mind back when she asked him about his plans. He was better now, only talked less. To her, he seemed depressed. Probably for different reasons than the ones that were making her put off his daily check-up.

The fact was, that he didn't need a check-up. But it went against everything that Tamara knew about medicine for him to be this fine. He should be bedridden, perhaps – if luck was on their side – making baby-steps towards partial recovery. Instead, he was calmly sitting on his cot, writing something in his notebook with a steady hand and absent-mindedly trying to scratch between the thick dressing on his now almost bald head, where the holes in his skull were slowly healing over.

"Stop scratching, you big baby," she scolded gently, making one of her other patients chuckle lightly – something that wouldn't have ever happened in the first months of their voyage. Now it only made Rush throw a sideways glance at the other man, who ignored it completely.

"Can't help myself. It's _itching_," Nicholas muttered but stopped scratching. TJ, taking a silent breath, came to his side.

"That's good, means it's healing. Let me see," and with that, she proceeded to remove the bandages.

As she checked his wounds, TJ had to think about how changed he looked. Without the hair, with all the weight he had lost, Nicholas seemed so much smaller, almost fragile. The deep shadows under his eyes and pronounced cheekbones made him appear older and so, _so_ tired… Only the determined light in his eyes contradicted all that but it was more than enough.

He waited patiently for her to clean and dress his scalp and didn't object to the standard tests she performed daily, just to make sure it wasn't temporary, that he was indeed as well as he seemed. An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of her stomach when she noticed that he wasn't using his glasses while she was checking his sight – and the marks were incredibly good. Nicholas was seemingly ignoring the fact that his eyes were working better now than they had for the last twenty years. And this was not the only bizarre thing.

When she finished with Rush, Tamara moved to her only other patient and, after a quick examination, she smiled brightly.

"I guess there is no point in keeping you here any longer," she said, patting the man on the shoulder. "The ribs are healing nicely and since you don't have breathing problems anymore, you might as well go and pack your things. We'll be reaching the meeting point in less than an hour. You might want to get ready."

The man nodded and slowly made his way out the door, leaving TJ and Rush alone. She turned to Nicholas and stared, as he, too, began to rise to his feet a bit shakily.

"Nick…" she said and he looked at her. Seeing the troubled expression on her face, he sighed and sat back down with obvious relief. He patted the cot invitingly and she took a seat besides him. Silence swelled between them and finally, he decided to voice her thoughts for her.

"I shouldn't be like this and you don't know what's going on."

She could only swallow and nod her head, watching a nervous tick pulling at the corner of his mouth.

"But you _do_ know," she finally whispered, almost too quietly to be heard.

"Yes."

"Will… will you tell me?"

"…Yes."

The uneasy feeling in her stomach changed into a knot as she watched him fidget a little – he rarely did any unnecessary moves and it was unsettling.

"When… when the S'hottoss found me," he began slowly, his voice calculating and reserved. "They couldn't communicate with me. They were hurting me and didn't even know why. When they figured out that my brain was too weak to take the pressure of a telepathic link, I was almost dying. To save me from what they have brought upon me, they… did something."

He stopped there for a moment, clearly replaying the difficult moments in his memory. Tamara didn't push him, she waited patiently for Nicholas to continue. When he did, his words made her jaw drop a fraction.

"They planted a transmitter inside my brain."

Tamara stared and he returned the gaze with one of his own.

"Oh my God, you're serious!" she exclaimed finally as he smirked humourlessly.

"Yes."

"Jesus, stop saying 'yes' all the time! Like, you have an alien device _in your brain_?" she exclaimed, her eyes big.

"Yeah, I know – sounds like a bad sci-fi movie Eli might mention during a conversation. But that's the best way to describe it. As far as I know I'm stuck with it, permanently."

"Ok. So you have a piece of alien tech in your head. It helped with the telepathy thing. I get it. What I _don't_ get, is what does it have to do with your miraculous recovery?"

"In the simplest words, it's fixing my brain," he deadpanned and she stared. "It's sending impulses that activate a new function - brain cell repair. It was necessary to keep me alive back then and the S'hottoss knew what effects the cube will cause in my _weak_ brain. If it wasn't for the transmitter, I would already be dead. It's also stimulating some other minor processes but nothing major."

A heavy silence fell upon them. There was so much unspoken depth in what he said, it made Tamara feel overwhelmed all of a sudden. A realization hit her and she felt tears filling her eyes.

"Without… If it weren't for the transmitter, my operation would have zero chance of success, wouldn't it?"

"Perhaps. But if there was no transmitter, I wouldn't have risked my life as I did. And if you didn't take a shot with what you did, I would most probably have died anyway. The transmitter was programmed to ease the effects of two, maybe three short sessions with the neural interface at most. Let's just say I ignored some of the advice the aliens had given me." With that he smirked again, more flippantly this time and a pang of anger went through TJ's heart. If he listened to the S'hottoss, he would save all of them a lot trouble. He wouldn't suffer, she wouldn't worry so much, they would probably never get back home…

Egoistic, heroic bastard.

"Tamara… Please don't make it a much bigger deal than it really is. All went well. I'm alive. We're going home. Just… enjoy the victory." With that he covered her limp hand with his own, warm and worn, squeezing lightly. And as his calm, logic reassurance washed over her, she almost felt at ease.

Almost.

"Oh God!" she exclaimed, her eyes going wide as Nicholas looked at her with worried interest.

"When I was burring at the top of your head I inserted the tube and poked something that shouldn't be there… It must've been the transmitter!"

"That is a possibility, yes," he answered thoughtfully, a tiny spark of amusement at her fright showing in his eyes.

"I might've damage it! What if I poked too hard and it'd been broken? It could've stop working! I might've killed you!"

A quiet, throaty chuckle reached her ears and she looked at him as if he sprouted a random limb. He was laughing at her!

"I'm used to hearing stupid things but never from you, lass," he uttered, genuinely amused. TJ just kept staring for a moment as the whole situation grew more and more ridiculous with each second.

"Asshole," she muttered finally but smiled.

And that was that.

When they jumped out of FTL everything went very still for a brief moment. Nicholas, sitting on the bed in his quarters, inhaled the stale air they had all learnt to enjoy simply because it was there and glanced at the room. Some gutted electronics still hung from the wall, he never got to fix it – perhaps in the so unclear future he will have a look at it. He will have a look at everything.

Rush already knew that he wants to get to know every corner of Destiny, memorize every circuit, restore the ship to it's full glory – make its splendour and might his greatest accomplishment. Much work was to be done but his mind was already analyzing, calculating, planning for that. Destiny was an enormous structure, damaged with age and hardship but Nicholas knew that with the intimate knowledge he had gained of her, he will be able to manage the restoration.

Once again he congratulated himself the foresight of signing the contract with General O'Neil. If it wasn't for that, he was certain they would remove him from the Lead Scientist position as soon as they got all the information he could provide – he was well aware that to most of them his past actions seemed wrong, his judgment flawed. Even though he _knew_ he was working for the greater good and had no regrets, the morons surrounding him had their minds clouded with moral rules and ethics that they foolishly abided by, no matter the consequences – conscience played much too great part in human lives.

He wondered briefly what will happen to all the others, the people he lived with for almost two years now (how fast the time passes when one's having fun) but soon decided that he didn't give a damn as long as Young stayed away and Eli decided to work with him – he had already made sure the boy was willing to spend at least some of his time working on project 'Destiny' and the Colonel… The Colonel was no longer being an issue. With his little act in the infirmary Nicholas had planted the seed of resent in Young's most trusted men; he was also certain the other patient in the infirmary would spread the word of the murder attempt amongst the crew. That, combined with the other man's own inability to command and unwillingness to stay onboard the Destiny would ensure them never having to work together again.

The only person he kept wondering about was TJ. Tamara. _How strange_, he mused. Under normal circumstances she would be the last person he would befriend and yet here they both found solace in each other's company. Such a young, innocent girl, mature and yet still not tainted by the cynicism that comes with experience – Nicholas wondered how she had managed to stay that way, especially given the rough happenings in her life. And how did she protect herself from Everett Young, the man who broke her heart in the cruellest way? He decided that it had to take tremendous willpower to remain this way, something he could appreciate and admire. He could remember himself when he was her age, his first doctorate, his love for Gloria… Yet, he had been bitter even back then.

He hoped that wherever Tamara Johansen went from here, she would never lose herself like he did.

Down the corridor, people were shouting happily – Earth was perfectly visible from the Observation Deck.

Eli shivered – air conditioning in the plane was much too strong for his taste.

They were all being transported from a secluded base somewhere in Canada, where they had been examined and decontaminated for the past three days. At this point everyone felt anxious to go home, meet with their families, and return to their lives… These three days in the base felt like imprisonment.

And now they were flying to Washington, the plane being a part of the cover that had been created for the sake of all those involved who didn't know their exact situation, like his mother. Apparently, someone had spilled the beans that there was a secret military operation going on somewhere and seventy people had gone missing to the press, which, surprisingly, took interest and started snooping. One of the family members had broken the confidentiality clause and names Icarus and Destiny had been mentioned, someone in the Air Force made an unnecessary statement and it all had gone crazy… Eli had always thought that the military would be much more skilled in covering their super-duper secret projects.

The cover-up was simple – they had been testing new technologies in a new military base and it required absolute isolation from the outside world. Some of the experiments were extremely dangerous, a couple of people had died and after the necessary testing period the project had to be shut down, the technology deemed too unpredictable to pursue.

People were quiet. There wasn't much they could say to each other so they were focusing their attention on the fact that in a few minutes they would land and be able to see and touch their loved ones. The first plane had already landed and Eli felt a pang of envy – he was growing impatient. The plane was a military one, highly uncomfortable and much too noisy – he figured they would all have to get used to sounds of the world again; noise was almost nonexistent on Destiny. For now, it annoyed the crap out of him and seemingly everyone else. The only person that didn't seem to mind was Rush who was dozing off in the wheelchair, strapped to the wall nearby. He seemed tired and worn, the past few days hard on his recovering body.

As soon as they had come to the base, the military swooped Rush, Wray and Young away, wanting to gain information regardless of their physical condition or weariness. Even though they all acted fine, Eli could see how worn they were becoming They had quickly returned to the 24 h work mode, with the exception of Camille, who refused to be held up too long during one day. But they all knew both Rush and Young would work non-stop if TJ didn't force them to take breaks. The blonde was collaborating with the base medic on getting everyone into shape and the older man agreed with her fully when she suggested a less strict schedule.

Eli and the rest of the crew, on the other hand, had it easy these past few days. They were only asked a handful of questions (with a promise of more thorough talk some time next week at SGC), fed, dressed and ordered a solid eight hour sleep daily – in extremely soft beds. Still, the young man could bet that he will sleep for a week straight as soon as he hits his own pillow.

The plane shifted and they all tensed. They were landing.

Tamara was nervous. She hadn't contacted her family in over three months and now she would be able to see them in person, to hug them and listen to her sister's cries. She simply couldn't wait to be let out of the airplane. This would be the happiest day of her life.

She glanced down at the man whose wheelchair she was manoeuvring and felt sorry for him. As far as she knew, he had no one to greet him following their two-year exile. Not once had he made a personal visit on Earth via the stones. As far as she knew, his whole family was dead and he never spoke of any friends… He would be escorted to his home alone, by an air force stranger and left with no one to take care of him until he recovered fully. TJ was seriously considering hanging around for a while, just to be certain he was fine… With a smirk she realized that her family wouldn't ever let her do that.

The hatch opened slowly and after a moment they were all making their way down the ramp. About fifty yards she could see a big group of family members, most of them approaching as fast as possible. Other crewmembers were already running towards them, too.

"I can handle myself, you should go find your family," TJ heard a gentle voice and as she glanced at Nicholas, she knew he could see the anticipation written all over her face.

"Stop being so friendly, people are watching," she muttered sarcastically and he smirked. And a moment later Tamara found herself enveloped in a tight hug of her father's skinny arms, soon followed by her mother and sister's. Cries of happiness were filling her ears and she lost herself in the familiar warmth of her family's love.

"Tammy, oh God, you're finally back! We were worried sick!" her mother was crying, nearing hysterics and her father had to calm the woman down. In the meantime TJ had the chance to hug her sister properly. Her face was splitting with an enormous smile of joy.

"Gee, you're even thinner now, mom will feed you senseless," Megan said and they both laughed. TJ couldn't wait to eat some of her mother's roast beef.

"Eli, my baby!" they heard from the side and TJ turned to see the Math Boy being hugged to death by a petite woman. Off to the side, Brody was snickering next to his wife, with Eli throwing him a dirty look from over his mom's shoulder.

TJ was about to propose to her family to start moving in the direction of the airport building, when she heard a new set of shouts.

"BOBBY!"

She looked around, as she couldn't match the name to any member of the crew she could see nearby. The woman who was shouting, a chubby blonde with insanely long braid was making her way through the crowd, followed by a tall man and two small kids.

All crewmembers stared in silent amazement as the lady stopped abruptly in front of Rush, one hand covering her mouth.

"Oh God, Bobby, what _happened_ to ye?" she exclaimed in a mild Scottish accent, tears making their way down her cheeks. As if sharing one brain, they all turned to look at the scientist simultaneously, only to see him scowling.

"Oi told ye not ta call me tha'," Nicholas grumbled but TJ could see a spark in his eyes she had learned to interpret as something similar to a smile. His accent was now very strong, as if a completely different person was speaking and she wondered if it was difficult to control it when talking to others. She could clearly see these two knew each other from way back and relief washed over her.

"I-is it ok ta hug ye?" the woman asked and a tick passed through Rush's face.

"Dun' wanna be hugged, ye old hag," he answered and was enveloped in a tight embrace the same instant.

"God, Bobby, you're skin and bones! Where were ye, why didn't you call? We talked to the people at the University but they wouldn't know where ye were… We were losing hope when the Air Force called us! They…"

"Maggie, ye'r rambling. We'll talk later," Rush answered as he gently removed her arms from around his frame. "Let me say hi to the kids, aye?"

He turned carefully to the two children: a small, maybe six-years-old boy and a girl that was a spitting image of her mother with her blonde hair and merry eyes – she couldn't have been older than ten. Rush opened his arms and she fell happily into his loose, shaky hug.

"Tina, ye're so big!" Nicholas said, looking her up and down with such affection TJ couldn't believe this was the man she knew. The girl beamed at him and opened her mouth widely for him to inspect.

"Look unca', the teeth grew back! Just like you said!" she said a bit faintly, as she was trying to keep her mouth open at the same time. Rush smirked and nodded, then looked at the younger child.

"C'mon, Chris, give yer uncle a hug. Or did ye forget me already?"

The boy shook his head a bit shyly and made his way to Rush, only to stare at him from a few paces distance.

"Wha' happened to your head, unca' Bobby?" He squealed, obviously affected by how ill Rush looked. The man stretched out his hand and pulled the child closer to him, only to have him stare at the bandages.

"Oi had an operation so Oi could be healthy. And now it's all good. See?" with that he tapped his head with one finger (where he knew it wouldn't hurt too much). That seemed to do the trick; Chris smiled and allowed himself to be hugged.

From the corner of her eye TJ could see that Maggie was watching him carefully, concern written al over her face. The man that had come with her (who hadn't even said one word to Rush) was standing behind her, rubbing her arm gently. Seeing the same worry in the woman's face that she had feeling too many times to count over the last few months, Tamara impulsively wanted to walk up to her and reassure her that he was going to be fine, that it's all good but in the same moment her sister came up behind her and whispered into her ear:

"Why is everyone staring at the guy? C'mon, mom and dad want to go."

Absent-mindedly, TJ nodded and told her to wait just one more minute. With that she slowly made her way towards Rush, who was now listening distractedly to the kids' happy banter. She could see that he was already developing a headache but didn't seem to mind. When he noticed her approach, he told the children to go to their momma and started clumsily getting up from the wheelchair. When he wobbled a little, TJ steadied him with one hand, not even sparing the movement one thought.

This was it. As they stood there, awkwardly silent, they both knew that this would be the last time they were going to see each other on these terms of friendship and openness. If they ever meet again, they would probably act as ex-colleagues, nothing more. So when Tamara, unable to find the right words, simply stepped into his arms, he returned the hug with all that he had, showing her all his trust, affection and giving as much reassurance as possible.

"Please take care of yourself," Tamara whispered directly into his ear and could feel him smirking slightly.

"You think she would allow me not to?" he answered and made a move with his head towards the Maggie person, who was standing to his right with her family. "You take care of yourself, too. Don't give the world too much of yourself, leave something for you."

"I will. Please remember me, Nick," TJ said, burying her head in his shoulder for a brief moment, feeling a tear escaping her lashes. He only nodded, patted her back lightly and moved away, something sad shining in his dark eyes. TJ nodded once again and allowed her family to sweep her off in the direction of the airport building, where almost everyone was already heading, intent on going home with their friends and families. She didn't look back to see Nicholas shake Eli's hand with a brief 'We'll stay in touch'. Tamara allowed herself to be swallowed by the happiness of her family reunion instead of the grief of loosing friends. There would be time for that later, when she was alone in her quarters… No, in her room. Room with walls of stone and wood, with a window showing the lawn and a merry little street. A room with quiet, wooden doors which she can open manually and walk out almost straight into a bathroom with a real bathtub and shower, with real water. And she won't have to walk ten minutes to the kitchen. She will be able to have a huge sandwich in the middle of the night or a festive dinner with everyone she loves. And if she felt like it, she could go back to her room and cry all she wanted – maybe her mom will come and stroke her hair and take away all the pain…

She didn't look back to see similar thoughts reflecting in Nicholas's eyes.

They went their separate ways.

**FIN**

**A/N:** Ok, guys, I'm done :) After all this time, "Redemption" is officially complete. Thank you all for the outstanding support, for all the wonderful reviews that kept me going, for the +faves and +watches… It's been a blast to write for such a great audience. If I could only ask you for this one last favour… Please, let me know what you think of the story as a whole – what was good, what could be more elaborated on, which parts were your favourites… There were average of about 180 people reading every chapter so I know you're there – it won't hurt you to write a short feedback message and it will help me very much… with the sequel ;)

Yup, I'm planning a sequel. Any suggestions, guys? It won't be out for a while and I will keep it in my own AU. So if you especially want something to happen there, I'm open for suggestions. I only have a rough plan for it at this point so many paths are open :)

There is one thing I want to say about the chapter. Lilandriel, after proof-reading the chapter, asked me about the Bobby nickname. A simple answer – this is my show of respect to mister Carlyle, to many known as Bobby. He is an outstanding actor and the character of Nicholas Rush would really suck if it wasn't for him – the producers knew that from the beginning and I appreciate their effort to get him to play Rush.

So, thank you all once again, love ya :)


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